To think an adult and their parents don't have to spend the child's birthday together every year?

[LastNCof2022]

My OH's parents live in Cornwall and as they will be away for a couple of weeks, they have kindly offered us their beautiful house if my OH and I fancy going, with or without another couple. We have invited my aunt and uncle who we have a nice relationship with and whose company we enjoy. My aunt however won't come because it's my cousin's birthday (she will turn 54 - she has a husband and one kid still at home) and my aunt wants to see her on that day (which would be right in the middle of our break so not possible for her and my uncle to join us the following day as it'd make not sense to travel that far for 48 hours). No formal celebrations - she just feels that she can't be away on her daughter's birthday. They live fairly close to each other and see each other at least a couple of times a week.

Is it odd that my auntie thinks that the idea of her not seeing her daughter on her birthday is mad? Do you see your parents on your birthday each year? Or your adult children even if nothing's being 'organised' to mark the day? AIBU to think it's very strange behaviour on my aunt's part?

I once read an article about how your birthday isn’t just your day to celebrate, it’s the day your parents welcomed you into the world and is a special day for them, maybe that’s how your aunt feels?
This isn’t the actual article I read but it’s the same sort of thing.

It’s not just your birthday. Think about this for a moment. The day you were born was a big day, but it’s not just about you. Perhaps you think it is because your parents told you this was your magical day, but there are others that feel your day is their day, too. This idea may not have occurred to you, and that’s perfectly all right, but can you guess who might be thinking that this day belongs to them, as well? How about the person who gave birth to you. This is a day she thinks about all the time. And not just on your birthday but at other times when something will remind her of all the emotions — excitement, joy, worry, pain, concern— she felt on this day.
danna310.medium.com/your-birthday-or-is-it-6dc14b6f07fa

It's not usual but there's no harm to it.

I am the opposite of enmeshed in family.. that said even if they have no plans to spend the day together, to take the option off the table for a ‘once/removed’ (in comparison) relative by active choice, would surely cause hurt and potential resentment between your aunt and cousin? A bit like muddying the actual hierarchy of familial bonds.
I’ve read similar scenarios on here where full siblings are concerned and jealousy issues have been caused. Maybe this is why. Action by your aunt to ensure that no slight can be imagined ?

I’d find that very odd, but not everyone is the same. Saying that, even my very enmeshed extended family wouldn’t worry about spending birthdays together and they see each other daily.

My parents are going away while it's my birthday this year, even worse, they're taking my children with them 😱😜

We’re all different. Some people find things important that other people wouldn’t. Seeing a parent/child on their birthday may not be important to you, but it’s clearly important to them. You don’t want to be the reason that this year is the only year they don’t see their child on their birthday. Just ask someone else.

I do understand your point however, as it’s not important to me with my own parents. I expect I’ll think differently when my little girl is grown up!

I'm quite surprised that 1/4 of voters think YABU.

I think that is really bizarre.
I mean, even as children it seems strange to me, but when the birthday girl is in her 50s and this is preventing her parents having a lovely break away, it really is very odd.

That is coming from someone who loves birthdays. But who is perfectly able to go for a birthday meal (or however you want to get together) on a convenient day near to anyone's birthday.

I think it's an excuse

I never see my mum on her birthday as it’s early December and doesn’t fall in a half term. Maybe in a few years when youngest left school I’ll take a weekend trip but certainly not essential. My mum doesn’t see me on mine now as it’s end of December and I tend to go home after Christmas before new year

I think to make plans is fine , to decline a holiday Is odd but some people are .
I wonder if her daughter had a chance to go away on her birthday without her parents she would .

Well yes but people are all different I guess

I find that weird. We have had issues in the past as DHs family HAVE to see him/our DC/me! On the acutely birthday rather than a day close by and it drove me mad. MIL drove 40 mins to see me after work on my birthday- I just wanted to to out for dinner with friends! I did tell her 3 or 4 times she did not need to come. Things have calmed down recently- a spate of mid week birthdays when we are all busy so I had to put my foot down and make weekend plans to celebrate. My parents on the other hand always call/text and would send a card and gift but wouldn’t be bothered about seeing me on the exact day and I feel the same for my wider family. Only my small DC and DH would I prioritise being physically there for!

*actual not acutely

In our household we don’t do Valentine’s Day or anniversaries but birthdays (even for adults) are a big deal. Cake in the morning, presents. DH and I will cook for each other’s birthdays and then go out for a drink when the kids are in bed. Maybe go see a movie. It’s how we do things and obviously the kid’s birthdays are a big deal too. Each family has its own tradition. My in laws make a huge fuss of DH and me on our birthdays (my MIL cooks some of my favourite Indian food) and my parents call and send presents too (they live several continents away). The one year my dad was with me for my birthday was a special highlight. We also make a big deal of MIL and FIL’s birthdays. They may not have many left. And one year I flew for 36 hours to surprise my mother on hers. I guess each family feels differently about birthdays but I quite like our traditions.

I don't get why you need people to think it's odd, she has her reasons and doesn't need to explain them to anyone

I find it odder you need to think it's odd, we don't all act the same

I’m not sure, it’s never happened before.

I suppose some people just do birthdays different from others. It’s always just been my mum and I growing up and so birthdays have always been a huge thing in our house. My mum makes a huge effort for my husband and our children on our birthdays, she always sees our children on their actual birthday too. It’s just how she does things.

I don’t see anything wrong, or odd or bizarre.

Well, personally I can't bear to be reminded of my birthday (the best sort of birthday for me for me is one whose existence I am able to forget until some time after it is over) and my parents and other family respected this; so no, obviously I never spent every adult birthday with my parents. But if someone wants to, it's up to them, and doesn't really harm anyone!

My mum purposefully doesn't book holidays etc that fall over my birthday and birthday weekend (I think more of a fomo thing as we usually do so thing quite nice 🤣)
My friend's parents have been away for her birthday for the last 5 years or so (bar lockdown in 2021) on various trips and my friend always feels quite upset about it even though she's a fully grown adult with a husband who lives nowhere near her parents!

I think wanting to go on holiday with your uncle and aunt is a great deal more odd (unless they are similar ages to you and more like cousins).

Yes, we are fairly close in age and have a shared hobby and similar interests. They are very smart and fun people to be around!

:-)

Different strokes for different folks. Wouldn't be a big meal for me but I live in a different country to my parents anyway so rarely see them for birthdays or Christmas.

SIL sounds more like your Aunt though; she insists on a family meal out for her kids' birthdays, even though they're mid/late teens now and not especially bothered about having a meal with the family for their birthday. It's important to her though, so we all do it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not something I did with my parents but our adult kids like to see us if they can. Each to their own.
can she join you afterwards?