Finding adult sites

[animallove]

Myself and my children ( 2 teens) moved in with my partner around 4 months ago.
We get on great, he's kind , considerate, caring, hard working all that you could ask for. Our future and what we talk about doing is something I'm really looking forwards too.
My problem is I've seen porn sites on his phone.
Before I moved in I saw once when we were googling something on his laptop
"Adultworks" in the search bar. I was curious so googled the site myself and was quite shocked at what it was. I saw a documentary all about it after and it was again shocking.
I tried not to think about it but saw it again when we were on his laptop. I asked him what it was ( already knowing myself) and plucked up the courage to ask why he looks at things on there. He just said he looks now and again ( so admitted it) and didn't see it being a problem, he knows friends that look and have done for years. I got quite upset at the thought of him watching " live" things and said they might aswell be in his front room..but he didn't agree and said don't be silly.
I get that men ( and some women ) like to watch porn but for me it's the " live " that I don't understand/ get upset about.
Our sex life could be better , we are very affectionate etc but we are not intimate very often ( although I would like to be, it's him that says it doesn't happen " like it used to when he was younger "...hes late 40's)
Anyway l told him what I thought about it etc and he said he probably wouldn't look when I moved in.
We are very happy etc, things are going great in every way apart from this still being on my mind, wondering if he does still look.
He thought I had gone for shower the other day ( which I was about to) but came downstairs for something and saw him on his phone looking at something. He quickly came off. I know I shouldn't but I was curious ( and probably a bit paranoid) but when he had left his phone and went for a shower himself I looked on his history and saw he had been looking. There were lists of " adultworks " ..."buy credits " etc. I then saw "private pictures "...thats what credits can buy among other things. I am absolutely gutted ! I know 100% he isn't meeting people.
I haven't questioned him about it because its wrong of me to look at his phone. I have seen another app ( porn) on his phone when he's been flicking through and confronted him about that. He's admitted looking at porn whilst I've been living here when I've asked but said he hasn't been on that site. Clearly he has because I've looked so he's lying!
I'm so paranoid and getting worked up about it I'm finding myself checking up on his phone now and again...normal porn I get men look at but its the live and private pics ( when he doesn't ask me to send any or ever has ) that bothers me ( obviously he doesn't know I know which site he looks at)
I asked if he pays for anything and he was shocked I'd asked and said no and said its wrong.
I've chatted to my friend about it who is very honest with me and says how nice he is, how our life together is, he's doesn't go out much with friends , with me alot and he probably just likes to look now and again. I've brought it on myself and winding myself up about it. If I didn't look on his phone I wouldn't have known. Everything else is perfect with us and our future, I just can't help looking and seeing when he's been on.

I dont know what to do. I'm not leaving him so will just have to deal with it.

Ah, you shouldn't have moved in with him. Grim indeed.

I'm not leaving him so will just have to deal with it.

Well there's your answer. You knew he buys women before you uprooted your children and have chosen to ignore it.

I wouldn't be overly upset about the porn - plenty of men and women use it and I don't class it as cheating.

However two things here are ringing big alarm bells - you've spoken to him about it and explained you don't like it yet he's still doing it. And not even discreetly. A clear indication that he doesn't give a shit about your feelings. Secondly that you don't have a regular sex life but he can find the energy to look at this. Has he become desensitised to actual sex because he's too consumed with watching this? If so then your sex life is doomed.

If you've no intention of leaving I'm not really sure what your question is though...

It's not really your business though is it. What he does with his 'personal time' is up to him. As long as its not illegal.

Why would you not leave this disgusting man? Epically shit parenting on your part to stay in a marriage like that and teach your teenage children that it's fine for men to buy women.

You swung from seeing something you didn't like, trying not to think about it and moving your teenagers in with this man, to now being paranoid and obsessed with checking his phone.

You don't need to be paranoid. You know what he's doing. What are you looking for? What do you think you'll find and what difference will it make if you're not going to leave him?

I'd suggest that the fact your unable to talk to him like an adult about this doesn't bode massively well for the perfect future you're determined to achieve with him.

He is ignoring the fact you questioned him and he claimed he would stop viewing these sites, and evidently he has not, meanwhile he has no privacy because you are checking his devices without his knowledge or consent.

Does that sound like a healthy relationship from any perspective?

You've only been living with him for four months. So much easier to listen to your gut and move out now than accept this and get increasingly unhappy. Sunk costs wise, this is the point you'll look back at and wish you'd done something about it.

I'd be moving out again, porn use is vile - most of the women have been trafficked. But I wouldn't have inflicted a porn using new partner and enforced move on my teenagers so it wouldn't be an issue.

I have recently found the same website on my dh's phone. I know he looks at porn, but this has me worried now, as I thought it may have randomly popped up whilst searching other porn he likes.
I know he's not paying for anything as he doesn't use our personal bank account, only business & his accountant is hot on anything that doesn't look business oriented. I don't like the idea of him watching live videos though! What's it about? Do the men tell the woman to do stuff?

There are lots of perspectives on porn, it really doesn’t matter what other men like or if some women use it or feel fine with it, what matters is how you and your partner feel about it.

Ultimately you don’t agree on it and aren’t compatible on this issue.

If you aren’t prepared to leave then what can be said?

1. ask him to stop using it altogether

2. tell him again that you find certain aspects of the stuff he watches really triggering, it makes you feel shit, you don’t want to be with someone who uses those sites and you ask him to limit his use to “standard / typical?” sites?

3. you leave him to it and have to learn to deal with it even though you really don’t like it.

I'm not married to him , as I said above my partner!
What makes you think I would ever tell the children what I've seen?

Actively making the decision to move your teenagers in with a porn hound wasn’t the smartest. I do hope your teenagers aren’t girls, I mean it’s grim if they’re boys too but moving teenage girls in with this man - hmm.

As you’ve decided to stay, I’m not sure what you’re asking here. My advice would be to stop checking his phone as you don’t intend to actually do anything about it.

Ultimately, you can't police a partners behaviour and if their values and choices don't align with yours to the point you're raking through their phone and computer for evidence, feeling paranoid and shocked, then you've got a fundamental mismatch going on.

No amount of snooping or worrying, control via ultimatums, or giving him a list of porn you find acceptable that he can knock one off to is going to help at the end of the day.

I came across it on a documentary once before I saw it on his laptop ( not by snooping as he was sat next to me but came up in search bar on laptop ). As someone said some of the girls are trafficked but when I've looked on it there are alot of older women on there too so I'm guessing they aren't. Anyone can join I think to post content and it's an escort service too ( which I know he doesn't do 100%) I'm not sure if the men tell the women to do stuff.

Like I mentioned when I questioned him about it he said he looks randomly now and again not very often so he isn't hiding the fact he looks. Doesn't watch the lives but there are free videos like alot of sites are. I made him show me what he looks at. Which he did. I said my bit at the time about the live parts.
So yes I was aware that he watched porn when I moved in like people have said.
I supposed I just believed when he said he wouldn't need to look at that particular site when I moved in.
I know all he is doing is looking at pics ( as I could see in the history on phone, which I know I shouldn't have looked I know ) and the free videos and not often.

Hes a good man with everything we do together from house work , cooking, planning for future with regards to doing the house make over etc. We laugh at the same things, tastes are the same etc He looks a lots of different things on his phone for ideas or interests , alot to do with how we want the house etc and I have no issue what so ever with my children around him , they get on great. My parents, friends/family etc have met him and approve. As I have met his.
I didn't want him to meet the kids until I was sure ...he didn't either until he was sure about us which I thought was respectful. They met over 18 months ago and I've had no issues. He's helped them lots with different things and they like him and get in well.

What it boils down to is the fact he watches porn now and again which alot of men do. As stated it can be live if paid for on Adultworks but he's not paid for that. I could see it was just private pics.

I suppose yes I'm answering my own question by saying I don't want to leave him etc .....I just wanted to see people's opinions and if anyone has had similar experiences and what they did/thought.

bin him. he can't be bothered to be intimate with you (and being in your 40s is no excuse), but has the desire to look at other women? NOPE.

I’ve been with a lovely man for nearly 6 years, he’s 15 years older than me. We got engaged last year and his grown up children 35 & 40 (who live with him) have never mentioned it to me. My partner stays with me at my house every night. I don’t really go into his house although I am at his property looking after livestock every day. I just feel unwelcome if the children are there and my partner is ‘different’ towards me in their company like he’s embarrassed.
Now my partner has set a date for the wedding this Summer. Children still haven’t said anything to me and he says they didn’t say much to him when he broke the news. The eldest told him a few days later that if it’s really what he wants they’ve got his back.

AIBU to feel weird about the situation?

FjordFancier

You need to start your own thread.

Why on Earth did you move in with someone, with your children, who gets his kicks from porn, which you're clearly not happy with?

Bloody hell.

I don’t know how I managed to post in here. I’m really sorry everyone! Especially to the OP, I do apologise. I can’t see how to delete my comment..

OP - Adultworks is an online cam site which is opened automatically by other porn sites. It will open a second tab in the background with an adultworks page open, and you absolutely don’t need to go to it yourself. It will also save in your search history. Your partner has probably gone to a different porn site, which has opened this one in the background. They do it to try and encourage people to spend money, rather than just use the free site. You’re safe to believe him that he didn’t open this paid site himself, if that’s what he says.

I can’t help with the rest, but wanted you to know he is likely telling the truth on that front!

I got quite upset at the thought of him watching " live" things and said they might aswell be in his front room..but he didn't agree and said don't be silly.
He doesn't get to tell you your perfectly viable reaction is silly.
What else does he get dismissive about? You having needs & opinions?

Anyway l told him what I thought about it etc and he said he probably wouldn't look when I moved in.
So you were a little naive, but he misled you.

Our sex life could be better , we are very affectionate etc but we are not intimate very often ( although I would like to be, it's him that says it doesn't happen " like it used to when he was younger "...hes late 40's)
He's porn sick.
He can't get turned on by a real live woman, because he;s addicted to the easy fantasy & lack of engagement.
What does he mean "doesn't happen"? Does he mean if he doesn't get an erection, you can't have sex? Sex isn't all about penetration. Why can't you please each other in other ways?

I'm so paranoid
No you're not. You're responding to facts, not conjecture or invention.

I've chatted to my friend about it who is very honest with me and says how nice he is, how our life together is, he's doesn't go out much with friends , with me alot and he probably just likes to look now and again. I've brought it on myself and winding myself up about it. If I didn't look on his phone I wouldn't have known.
Your friend is a porn-apologist who doesn't seem to care that you've been lied to, that your partner reckons it's ok to pay women for sex, or that he seems to prefer paying sex workers to having fun with you.

Everything else is perfect with us and our future, I just can't help looking and seeing when he's been on.
Apart from being lied to, not being made love to, & knowing he's spaffing off to other women?

I dont know what to do. I'm not leaving him so will just have to deal with it.
That's tremendously sad.
Why would you settle for a liar who pays women to perform sex acts for him?
While leaving you sexually unsatisfied?
You'd rather spend your time constantly wondering about his phone, & itching to check it, but dreading what you will see?

What makes you think they won't catch an inadvertent glimpse of the site, just like you did the first time? Your partner doesn't sound exactly careful & discreet.

As someone said some of the girls are trafficked but when I've looked on it there are alot of older women on there too so I'm guessing they aren't.

Trafficking isn't age-dependent FFS.

Why are you convinced he hasn't met anyone on there. Hundreds of thousands of men are using it for that exact reason. It would not be hard for him to use a sex worker while 'at work' or 'popping in on family' or 'mates drinks'. It only takes an hour. Or half an hour. Don't be so sure. You'd be non the wiser.

I'd guess he uses credits to see the private gallery of the women he is scoping out to book a half hour session with.