To cut out sister-in-law?

[Ruweee]

I have a SIL who is an “expert” in everything. Nobody can do things like her or is better than her - or so she likes to tell us all. She’s pretentious, bangs on about her “expensive taste”, “excellent parenting” and how nobody is winning at life like her. It sounds like a bitchy post, which is honestly not in my nature but I’m sick of the she talks down to everyone and assumes she’s better. Now, she’s jumped on the “organic” and “sustainable” narrative. She also dresses in high end designer clothes and completely sees everyone as paupers! I kid you not, she earns less than average wage and I am all for treating yourself, as I do too but being humble is key and people don’t need to wear designer to look good.

The truth is, I see a damaged woman (she has a complicated past) and I know she masks her insecurities, but saying all this, I don’t know how else to feel at peace and stop pretending I’m interested in what she has to say. I’m awful for posting this but I couldn’t keep it in and deeply reflected on whether I was projecting my issues, although personally, I feel accomplished and have never feel the need to explain myself to her and there are other SIL who are more accomplished than her. I’ve been patient for 4 years and her pretentious act, is just too much for me now. I appreciate kind people with depth and cannot stand shallowness, even if she is family. Am I being unfair here?

I agree that it sounds like she has deep rooted issues.

However, I wouldn't give her headspace. Spend as little time as possible with her and respond "hmm" (or similar) to her stream of comments (whilst thinking about something else or discreetly wearing air pods).

It depends. She sounds a bit like my SIL but I put up with her occasionally just for sake of family and appearances.
This may have more to do with you accepting she is who she is, unpleasant as may be and learning to not take what she says inwardly. It says more about who she is and is not a direct reflection of you.
If she wasn't your SIL, I would say absolutely find other friends but would this not be difficult to cut her off and involve some sort of rift within the family?

I try nodding and agreeing but it has started to grate on me. I am more tolerant than other family members who also dislike the way she talks.

Equally, it sounds a lot like you look down at her which could also be argued to be pretentious.

I’ve never met anyone in my life like her. I’m often seen as the patient one and she is most likely to dig at me and confide/ trust in me but I can’t hack it anymore. My son is close with her two children and she’s pushy when it comes to them getting together so I find myself in her company and having to endure her on a one-to-one basis. I do feel bad for speaking like this but if she was a nicer person, I think I would be able to just let her remarks brush passed me. It’s the “causing a rift” part why I have gritted my teeth and got together, although most times I try hard to dodge these interactions.

Get her on SM. She'll make a fortune

The term "damaged woman" makes me wince.

YANBU but just... Stop listening. Literally just turn away from her when she starts, "hmm" if you have to. Is she married to your sibling or sibling of your DP? You can opt not to spend much time with her, I presume no one is forcing you to be around her and you're not living with her.

Sounds like a narcissist to me. Often they have fairly major issues which results in a weird blend of self loathing and belittling others.

Having had former in laws who were like this, I can only say to keep your distance because these kinds of chaotic people tend to damage everyone around them and are only happy when others are unhappy. Eventually things will go tits up and she'll do everything she can to drag you and the family down with her. This pattern will probably repeat itself every few years.

IMO you sound incredibly jealous of her and bothered by what she's doing when it's none of your business but you just choose to insert yourself into it. Might not be what you wanted to hear, but that's how it comes across to me.

I honestly don’t look down on anyone - why would I? What I meant to express is, why someone who has achieved little point out peoples lack of achievement. I’d get it (not agree with it) if she was a high achiever and couldn’t help but look down on those who weren’t on her level. It’s not pretentious for me to point that out.

See her as little as possible, and if you have to spend time with her, beforehand tell yourself Julie is going to do a Julie, then when she starts just notice it and think to yourself, aha, there she goes, nod and smile. Don't expect anything different, she's not you, you're not her, and that's ok.

Sure, I get that completely. There is pressure there from her and you can definitely see her a lot less, for sure. Can I ask - is this your OH sister or your siblings OH?

I have purposely not revealed detail about myself or situation, so that I’m not identifiable. My issues isn’t regarding what she is doing. She has consistently in the four years I’ve known her, seen everyone beneath her. I think I’ve just gotten to the point that I’m done with the negativity, the digs, the horrible remarks about people who shop in certain places or have certain jobs. I can’t tolerate not being respectful and the pretentiousness. She has nothing I don’t have. That’s not the point.

She is my other half’s sister.

OP

Don't go completely no contact, just very very low contact.
Don't give in to her practically bullying you to meet up, just develop a brass neck yourself in pushing back and saying no to it: no that doesn't work for us; sorry so busy I'll get back to you (and don't). Don't answer her texts or calls - if she ever mentions it when in company be all tinkly laugh and oh so so sorry etc

This is really insightful because at some point I felt awful about letting her get to me. She’s constantly bad mouthing others and I’ve been sucked into drama just because I’ve been around her. Although I have been a lot more distant this past year.

You’re so right and what gets to me the most is the children wanting to spend time together because they are close :( although we have managed to have the kids together without having to spend time together as adults. All I can say, is she hasn’t liked that and persistently ask to meet.

You say your children are close, but you've only known her 4 years. That doesn't quite add up?

Lol. There's shades of irony in this OP.

I honestly don’t look down on anyone [...] why someone who has achieved little point out peoples lack of achievement.

Just for clarity: what's the measure of achievements referred to here and who gets to adjudicate over what is and isn't an achievement.

Ok thats the same SIL I'm talking about for me too- OH sister. Good thing is he doesn't get on with her and tolerates her less easily than me so I don't have to see her much and its on our terms.
Is OH supportive of how you feel and does he share your views on this?

As the DC get older it will be easier to arrange "drop the DC off for a play date, I have so much to do it will help keep mine occupied" and so on.

It does, I have an 8 year old son from a previous relationship and she has a 7 year old and 9 year old son.

He doesn’t like trouble and wants me to get one with all his family, which I do. The guilt is that she doesn’t realise I’m fed up of her :/

Tell her you've made a new year resolution, not to listen to negative things about people - and set up a 'boast box' in your home - that anytime someone brags or boasts in your home they have to put £1 in the box for charity.

outside your home you can just walk away.

You make a fair point here but that’s because it’s hard for me to explain the exact context of all of our conversations. For example, she works as a support worker and will mock other family members for doing a certain job (which is in fact more qualified and can’t name fear of revealing my identity). It’s like me picking at someone living in a certain situation and I’m in the same boat.