To cut out sister-in-law?

[Ruweee]

I have a SIL who is an “expert” in everything. Nobody can do things like her or is better than her - or so she likes to tell us all. She’s pretentious, bangs on about her “expensive taste”, “excellent parenting” and how nobody is winning at life like her. It sounds like a bitchy post, which is honestly not in my nature but I’m sick of the she talks down to everyone and assumes she’s better. Now, she’s jumped on the “organic” and “sustainable” narrative. She also dresses in high end designer clothes and completely sees everyone as paupers! I kid you not, she earns less than average wage and I am all for treating yourself, as I do too but being humble is key and people don’t need to wear designer to look good.

The truth is, I see a damaged woman (she has a complicated past) and I know she masks her insecurities, but saying all this, I don’t know how else to feel at peace and stop pretending I’m interested in what she has to say. I’m awful for posting this but I couldn’t keep it in and deeply reflected on whether I was projecting my issues, although personally, I feel accomplished and have never feel the need to explain myself to her and there are other SIL who are more accomplished than her. I’ve been patient for 4 years and her pretentious act, is just too much for me now. I appreciate kind people with depth and cannot stand shallowness, even if she is family. Am I being unfair here?

He sounds like he probably knows what she's like but doesn't want to rock the boat. Equally you want to get on with the family but she's very very hard work.
Cutting her off will probably be very difficult but I think stepping back from seeing g her too often is fair enough. It's easier to tolerate difficult people in smaller doses.
You say you feel guilt as she doesn't know you are fed up with her. Does that mean she maybe likes you more that you like her and that's causing guilt?

I really like this idea! Thank you :)

You’ve hit the nail on the head here. That’s exactly it! He knows what his sister is like and he very rarely has to put up with her because he works away. The guilt definitely stems from the fact that she does like me and says I’m kind, although equally manages to dig at me. I don’t respond to her digs or undermine the absurd things she says. But I think mentally now, my tolerance just isn’t there. I agree with you, small doses is better.

I do share that understanding with you and it sounds like we are in a similar position. Sometimes people say you are kind when they nlyice you are empathetic and can potentially gain something from you- even just you being there to listen to them moan whilst they emotionally drain you! Sounds cynical but if you are like me (open, honest) these people spot you a mile off and will likely take from you.
She could also genuinely like you to some degree and also still be extremely difficult.
Your guilt is something I understand. Don't judge yourself for it. It sounds like you probably have tried so much to compensate for the guilt you feel but you end up feeling drained and resentful of her. It's a visciois circle.
Pull Back a bit physically and emotionally and try to observe what's going on with her rather than let her suck you in too far.
You deserve to put yourself first and find boundaries, whilst still maintaining respect for her and getting on with the family.
You will find your way. But my overall advice is don't beat yourself up. You feel guilty because you have a conscious and you are a good person. You can't help it if you get a funny vibe off her. X

Hi OP

Yet again - if she has the brass neck to persistently ask to meet, you need to develop your brass neck to persistently fob her off. It'll get easier the more you do it, and then you've created the "new normal" (sorry!).

I’ve met people like this before, who slag others off for things that could so easily be said about them. They just have so little self awareness. You can’t make them better people so just have to spend as little time as possible with them.

So her life is quite shit, her achievements are lowly. The inference I’m getting is that she has less and has achieved less than you, OP, so her smug attitude annoys you as you don’t feel she deserves it?

In that case, pity her and reduce your contact.