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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you blend families at Xmas?

34 replies

ShannonDocherty · 02/01/2023 19:55

With our baby’s first Christmas now over we’re already thinking about what we want to do at Xmas going forward.

Before having a baby we alternated seeing one set of parents on Xmas day and one on Boxing Day, swapping back and forth. Sometimes I cooked sometimes our parents cooked.

This Christmas Day, as we have a 3MO we went to my parents for lunch and stopped into DH’s parents for a couple of hours in the morning.

However, going forward we have decided we will stay at home on Christmas and host grandparents at our house instead.

However, I can’t decide whether we should continue to alternate them or just extend the invite to both sides going forward.

My parents only have DD nearby and have never been able to spend Xmas day with any of their GC until now. However PIL have several GC nearby so often see more than one set on Xmas day.

Therefore alternating it doesn’t seem that fair to my parents as it means that they will only be able to see any GC every other year, while PIL will always see some of theirs whatever we do.

However I don’t like the idea of hosting both sets of parents as I feel I’ll be stuck in the kitchen cooking for them all on Christmas Day, missing out on DD while the GPs compete with each other to be with her. Also they aren’t friends with each other - they don’t dislike each other but don’t really have anything in common so it would be quite awkward for them.

Really don’t know what to do for the best as keen to start a new way of doing things. Be great to know other people blend families and if so, does it work?

OP posts:
Ginandtoner · 02/01/2023 19:58

invite one set for lunch and one for the evening or something similar to that if you don’t want to mix

Ginandtoner · 02/01/2023 19:59

We invite both and sometimes both come, sometimes just one and we do things on other days so Christmas Day isn’t the main event for us all anyway

GuinnessLover · 02/01/2023 19:59

Or just don't have any of them for Christmas day and have a Christmas meal with either set in the run up to Christmas? Not sure if this is an option for you.

Leeds2 · 02/01/2023 20:06

I would invite both sets at the same time, whilst making it clear that they are under no obligation to accept. Maybe their grandchild will be the thing that brings the grandparents together.

WeAreAllLionesses · 02/01/2023 20:09

How does your DH feel? I get you think your PILs will see other GC but they might want to see him and your child too.

watcherintherye · 02/01/2023 20:10

Bite the bullet and invite them all! As a pp has said, they might not both accept, and if they do it might be the opportunity they need to forge a relationship with each other by bonding over your dd. If they never meet, they won’t ever get to know each other better. They’re all adults. We all have to deal with slightly awkward situations sometimes, and more often than not, it’s never as bad as you anticipate.

CorvusPurpureus · 02/01/2023 20:10

Your dd will be 15mo or so next year, right? & you think your dps & dpils will be competing for her attention?

Honestly, just invite whoever you want to invite. Or invite none of them.

Your dd is going to be a toddler & mostly pre occupied with cardboard boxes. She's not going to put on a show to delight random family members!

I'd go with whichever is the shorter guest list, as you're new to hosting? But it'll work itself out over the years.

Yarrawonga · 02/01/2023 20:11

We invite both at the same time.

Simplelobsterhat · 02/01/2023 20:13

I don't see why not continue alternating with boxing day if that's worked before - I prefer to spread Christmas over more then one day to have quality time with different bits of the family rather than a house full one day (or lots of coming and going to different houses in one day). The only time we've combined our parents is if both would be on their own, which has worked fine for us as they all chip in and get on, but not necessarily how we want every Christmas to be. So we usually check what our siblings are doing and invite whichever parents aren't seeing our siblings, or both if neither are. Do you both have siblings? I wouldn't think both sets of parents would want to see you every Christmas if so?

Skyeheather · 02/01/2023 20:14

Invite them both as it sounds like PIL might not always want to go - my GP's used to alternate between their DC's. Or PIL might just want to visit am or pm if there are multiple DC to visit? Be careful that PIL don't suggest that everyone goes to you!

Or have one couple round on Christmas Day and one on Boxing Day?

Or Invite neither and have Christmas to yourselves?

My DP's live at the other end of the country and would never spend Christmas with us due to family commitments at their end. Unfortunately we have to invite MIL as she has nowhere else to go.

Zanatdy · 02/01/2023 20:16

Just alternate the meal, one set of parents for Christmas main lunch, one for dinner (Turkey sandwiches etc) and alternate that. That way they all get to see their grandchildren every year but can also see other family for one meal.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/01/2023 20:17

We invite everyone every year. Several people come each year, several come alternate years as they see other people.

Do as much prep on Christmas Eve (or earlier) so that kitchen time is limited - I spend and hour and a half, basically the time to do the roasties, in the kitchen and that gets everything done.

EmmaDilemma5 · 02/01/2023 20:17

It doesn't sound like your in laws would want to come every year if they have other children?

Personally I'd invite your parents every year. Then invite your in laws and see what they say.

Ginger1982 · 02/01/2023 20:25

We host my mum and my PILs on Xmas day every year. My DS is my mum's only grandchild whereas PIL have 6 others. My PIL tend to spend Xmas Eve with my SIL then come to us on Xmas day for lunch then go back to SIL's. My mum just comes to us. The three of them get on really well so there's no issue at all and my DH does all the cooking. He does 99% of prep on Xmas Eve so we are able to all open presents together. I tend to host whilst he's finishing the food then he hosts whilst I clear up. It works for us.

Sleepyteach · 02/01/2023 20:43

As a kid both sets of grandparents usually came to us and stayed a couple of days (they lived in the same city but neither side drove and would never have got a taxi!), which I loved as a kid it couldn’t do now. As an adult, we live in walking distance of DM and DPILs, and take it in turns to host for everyone. I’m an only child so my mum always spends xmas with us, PILs usually spend it with us but occasionally go to BILs. This year was our turn to host and we deliberately chose to cook stuff that didn’t mean spending too much time in the kitchen, there was a fair bit of prep xmas day but it meant we had time to spend together on the day. We had duck breasts with all the usual xmas trimmings, first bits went on at 2.15 and we served at 3pm. In terms of mixing, my mum and PILs get on pretty well although I was about at my limit with PILs by the time they left. They also didn’t arrive till about 1.30, so we had the morning to ourselves and had a pub trip with friends before they all came and they all disappeared home by 6pm.

Sleepyteach · 02/01/2023 20:44

That should have said fair bit of prep xmas eve!!

Floralnomad · 02/01/2023 20:47

Invite both sets , hopefully the in-laws won’t want to come every year

NancyJoan · 02/01/2023 20:50

Why are your own parents unable to see their other GC on Christmas Day? Don’t your siblings ever invite them, or travel to see them?

it’s no more work cooking for 6 than it is for 4, but if you don’t think the mix will work, you’ll have to alternate.

Edinvillian · 02/01/2023 20:52

Luckily my parents and in laws were friends before we got together so we've hosted them both for over 20 years. My kids are the only grandkids too on both sides so not had any issues with that. I hadn't really thought about that before.
I would host both sides every second year and your parents on their own the other year. (As long as your DH is ok with that?)

Original poster
ShannonDocherty · 02/01/2023 21:18

Thanks all. To answer a few points:

• My brothers both go to their in-laws every Xmas, and they live far away too. This means my parents have never been able to see any GC on Xmas day until this year.
• PIL will try to see as many of their GC as they can but one set usually see their DIL’s family on Christmas Day so tends to split between us and one BIL.
• But PIL will always jump at the chance to come to ours for Xmas lunch over theirs as I’m a much better cook than BIL’s partner, who is not a good cook at all. Also their kids are moody teens now.
• My parents and PIL are quite competitive GPs - always trying to get one up over each other and trying to have the monopoly on DD. So I don’t relish having that on Xmas day while I’m stuck cooking for everyone.
• While they have other GC, DD is the baby on both sides so they’re all trying to make the most of her.
• Out parents are all nice but are a bit of a personality clash so I worry no one will really enjoy us all being together.

I think we’ll give it a go next year and invite both sets then just see what happens, but I already have some anxiety about it!

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/01/2023 21:21

Prep prep prep on Christmas Eve - there really is no need to spend the whole day in the kitchen.

Also allocate jobs. That will also let some have one-to-one time with your DD while someone else is busy.

Original poster
ShannonDocherty · 02/01/2023 21:33

NancyJoan · 02/01/2023 20:50

Why are your own parents unable to see their other GC on Christmas Day? Don’t your siblings ever invite them, or travel to see them?

it’s no more work cooking for 6 than it is for 4, but if you don’t think the mix will work, you’ll have to alternate.

It’s a classic case of their wives getting their way with seeing their own parents.

I try to be fair with DH’s parents so we have always alternated.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 02/01/2023 21:33

No. We see mine on Christmas Day and DP takes our child to see his side another day in the Christmas week.

NancyJoan · 02/01/2023 22:11

It’s not the fault of your sisters in law that your brothers aren’t that bothered about seeing your parents. Tell them they need to step up next year and stop being so lazy about hosting/visiting.

Original poster
ShannonDocherty · 02/01/2023 22:19

NancyJoan · 02/01/2023 22:11

It’s not the fault of your sisters in law that your brothers aren’t that bothered about seeing your parents. Tell them they need to step up next year and stop being so lazy about hosting/visiting.

It’s not their ‘fault’ but there seems to be a lot of pressure from their parents - one of my SIL’s mothers has made it very clear that Christmas is ‘hers’.

My DM hated getting that pressure from her own mother so has never put any pressure on, and encourages us to do our own thing. Sadly that has meant they are bottom of the queue.

They don’t complain but I know they’d love to see GC.

OP posts:
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