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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Housewife woes

45 replies

MisfitMaiden · 02/01/2023 19:43

Hello

I was made redundant 18 months ago.

I've tried to no avail to find a part time job that fits around childcare. Husband says he isn't bothered, his salary supports us and he likes me being home on his days off so we can do nice things.

But sometimes, he shouts at me.

He treats me like an inconvenience when I try to engage in conversation.

He's very very passive aggressive.

I feel guilty if I go to the supermarket when he's home, I feel like I'm taking too long leaving him home with the kids.

I never spend our money on myself. I don't go to the hairdressers, have my nails done, buy make up etc.

The house is always immaculate, I ensure that all household paperwork (bills, insurance, finances) are all taken care of.

I cook homemade meals every day.

I make sure that everything the kids need are taken care of etc..

Basically, I had two glasses of wine tonight and he went absolutely mental at me, screamed at me, swore at me in front of the kids, belittled my existence because I don't have a job.

I don't know. He said that it's all in my head and it's my fault.

I'm confused and just want some opinions.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 02/01/2023 19:54

He's an abusive gaslighter. Get your ducks in a row and get out.

GreenManalishi · 02/01/2023 19:57

This only goes one way from here, it's not going to any better.

Any shred of self you've got left will be eroded if you stay, and your children will witness everything.

You're not making it up, it is real, and it is not your fault.

NothingHoldingMeBack · 02/01/2023 20:03

Ginger1982 · 02/01/2023 19:54

He's an abusive gaslighter. Get your ducks in a row and get out.

This is all you need to know and the best advice. It will go downhill from there. He is gaslighting you, he is making you feel you need to earn his respect by working. Do not become financially reliant on this man.

Original poster
MisfitMaiden · 02/01/2023 20:13

Thankyou for the replies. I asked him to go and stay at his mums. He drove away and came back saying the car sounded funny so he had to come back.

I feel guilty for not finding a job but I've had two job interview fails in the past few months. I have tried.

He says im a narcissist. I dont know. I just don't know. I just feel a bit confused when he has his outbursts like this. I'm never sure if I am to blame

OP posts:
Pinkcheckshirt · 02/01/2023 20:16

I am a housewife and have been for a few decades now, and in all that time my husband has never spoken to me like that or treated me like that. Your husband has no respect for you and I can’t believe that’s simply because you’re not working which he was in agreement with, that’s just his current excuse. I have no advice for you but I just wanted to say, you say you’re never sure if you’re to blame and you’re not. This is his issue.

rebekahnorris · 02/01/2023 20:25

If someone loves and cares for your soul, you would not need to write on Mumsnet about them. I feel
Really bad for you.

Original poster
MisfitMaiden · 02/01/2023 22:59

Thankyou. He's been slithering around me trying to be nice. Im so sick of this vicious circle. Him being nasty to me, making me feel worthless, then smothering me with affection. It's not right. I can't pin point it but I know this isn't right.

OP posts:
Jimboscott0115 · 02/01/2023 23:03

OP please just take note of this one sentence I'm about to write because you need to hear it.

You are in an abusive relationship and you are being abused by this man.

Original poster
MisfitMaiden · 03/01/2023 09:26

He says all i ever do is drink alcohol and spend his money.

I drink two bottles of wine a week. Which probably is excessive. For example, one bottle on a Wednesday one on a Saturday. I drink them over like 5 hours, whilst cooking/cleaning, bit of music on. It's just my way of having a break from mum life.

So this is the reason I'm a worthless piece of shit. Because I'm a jobless alcoholic.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I feel so small. I just cannot explain it.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 03/01/2023 09:36

The shit person is who he is. When he's lovely he is just reeling you back in.

I've been there. I left.

Original poster
MisfitMaiden · 03/01/2023 09:58

He's gone to work and I've sent this message. And now I need to find the courage to pack our bags and leave before he's home but I'm scared.

"I have cancelled both the holidays, so you have your money back now.

I need you to read this and understand this.

I am leaving you.

And now, you will be having Jacob 50% of the week.

Meaning, you will be paying for childcare after school. And all day during school holidays. You will also be having him every other Saturday. So unless your mum and Dad are willing to have him all day every other Saturday, you will need to not work those days.

The loss of earnings/childcare costs you will incur will far outweigh any income I could contribute through a part time job.

Basically, you are going to be financially worse off without me.
But it's tough. I'm not being treated like a worthless piece of shit anymore.

This going to apply for Amber's dad too. No more having her on the weekend, with zero school/childcare responsibilities. Thinking he's the Dad of the year paying me £40 a week. He's gonna have a shock when he needs to pay for childcare.

I am done being undervalued, disrespected and having the man who I legally devoted my life to, scream in my face and threaten me financially.

It's not fucking right.

So that's fine. I am walking away and you can learn the hard way that I am valuable."

** Names changed

** Holidays were family holidays for all of us. But he got angry at me for booking them.

OP posts:
iknowhimsowell · 03/01/2023 10:01

Well done!! Bloody good on you!

CoffeeLover90 · 03/01/2023 10:06

Well, now you've sent the message you need to do it. Otherwise he will call you a manipulator and turn this round on you (again) and it'll be worse than before. This would just be another action to add to his naughty list. So pack up his shit and put it outside. It's raining where I am, I hope it is where you are too.

DownInTheDumpster · 03/01/2023 10:09

Well done for the message OP- now follow through. And instead of trying to find a magical job that fits around childcare find a decent full time job and find childcare to fit around that. You can do it!

CoffeeLover90 · 03/01/2023 10:09

Oh on a practical note, you may be entitled to universal credit with having no employment or partner. They'd also help with 85% of child care costs, that is capped but I don't remember the amount.
Child care in my area is few and far between. I've been working evenings and weekends but only because I have friends and family to help. That could be am option, some students do babysitting too for a fee.
Wishing you and the kids all the luck in the world.

FusionChefGeoff · 03/01/2023 10:10

Have you told someone in RL? I think that would be really helpful a) to get some practical and emotional support now and b) to make sure you don't back out if he comes back with crocodile tears trying to persuade you to stay.

2023 is going to be a terrifying but bloody brilliant year for you Flowers

Wayk · 03/01/2023 10:11

Well done, he is simply horrible

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/01/2023 10:28

Well done OP. No one should have to tolerate this sort of thing. You're a star and a great role model to your children.

Stickmansmum · 03/01/2023 10:32

Good luck OP. You will want to backtrack from that and he WILL promise you the world if he takes your anyway seriously. But keep going. Do not go back to him tomorrow. It will always get worse.

Original poster
MisfitMaiden · 03/01/2023 10:34

He replied saying

"You are right. I don't deserve you. Do what you have to do"

What does that even mean?

OP posts:
LunaRegis · 03/01/2023 10:35

Get out ASAP OP, the cunt could come home at any minute.

LunaRegis · 03/01/2023 10:36

He’s messing with your head, just ignore him & go.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 03/01/2023 10:42

He doesn't WANT you to get a job, because then he'd lose the control over you.
He's being nice after your message because he feels he's losing that control. He'd wants to keep you close, and to do that he needs you to think he's seen the error of his ways. He hasn't and he won't. EVER. To him, it'll always be HIS money you're spending, and in a truly respectful, loving relationship, no one would be feeling like this.
Stay strong and get out.

LolaSmiles · 03/01/2023 10:48

You've identified you deserve better OP and that's the first step.

Don't fall for him trying to get in your head or make you doubt yourself.

He's probably quite annoyed that you've not drifted into being entirely dependent on him.

ImissSclub7 · 03/01/2023 10:54

OP don't let him into your head.

Don't give up until you've found that job. Fgs get away from him.

He wants to control you, for you to be dependent on him (to put up with his dickhead ways). Don't let him.

You will feel empowered.