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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Housewife woes

45 replies

MisfitMaiden · 02/01/2023 19:43

Hello

I was made redundant 18 months ago.

I've tried to no avail to find a part time job that fits around childcare. Husband says he isn't bothered, his salary supports us and he likes me being home on his days off so we can do nice things.

But sometimes, he shouts at me.

He treats me like an inconvenience when I try to engage in conversation.

He's very very passive aggressive.

I feel guilty if I go to the supermarket when he's home, I feel like I'm taking too long leaving him home with the kids.

I never spend our money on myself. I don't go to the hairdressers, have my nails done, buy make up etc.

The house is always immaculate, I ensure that all household paperwork (bills, insurance, finances) are all taken care of.

I cook homemade meals every day.

I make sure that everything the kids need are taken care of etc..

Basically, I had two glasses of wine tonight and he went absolutely mental at me, screamed at me, swore at me in front of the kids, belittled my existence because I don't have a job.

I don't know. He said that it's all in my head and it's my fault.

I'm confused and just want some opinions.

OP posts:

Original poster

MisfitMaiden · 03/01/2023 11:02

He pushed me a few weeks back when he'd had a few drinks. He pushed me so hard that my head smashed against a wall and I had a huge lump on my head for 2 weeks and mild-moderate concussion.

He also smashed up one of my possessions before. In front of me. Smashed it into smithereens. And our at the time 4 year old son sat and helped me sweep up the shards of it and sat on the floor with me whilst I cleaned up.

OP posts:

Littleheart5 · 03/01/2023 11:05

Go now. Ask someone to come be with you wheike you take your possessions and go

Original poster

MisfitMaiden · 03/01/2023 11:08

He's now text me saying "I love you, I always will, even without you"

I can't pin point what it is about that message (very similar to messages he's sent me before after a big falling out)

The end bit. "Even without you"

It seems manipulative some how and I can't pin point why.

OP posts:

ThinWomansBrain · 03/01/2023 11:18

well done on sending the message - keep to it, don't let him inveigle his way back, and don't spend forever and a day musing over cryptic messages.
Do you have somewhere safe that you can go?

As a mater of interest, does he walk to work, or had the car repaired itself overnight🙄

BlueSuffragette · 03/01/2023 11:21

Well done OP now make sure you follow up the message with actions and leave him. Build a much better life for yourself. You deserve so much more. He is abusive. Get support IRL. Good luck x

ImissSclub7 · 03/01/2023 11:22

Littleheart5 · 03/01/2023 11:05

Go now. Ask someone to come be with you wheike you take your possessions and go

Omg this.

I'm sorry he did that, the pushing, the smashing things up, it's not on.

Don't listen to a word he says.

TimeSlipMushroom · 03/01/2023 11:29

The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she is leaving. Get yourself away and safe from this man now while you can.

5128gap · 03/01/2023 11:30

You are at the start of a slippery slope which will end in his total control of you. He is simultaneously encouraging your financial dependence and abusing the power this gives him over you.
You have two options. Separate and claim the benefits and CM entitled to you as a single parent while you seek work, or get a job, any job, to re establish your financial independence and power within the household.
Don't let circumstances allow you to sleep walk into a life of exploitation and abuse because a mam holds the purse strings. Act now because the longer you leave it the harder it will be.

Squamata · 03/01/2023 11:34

You can't put your finger on it with his messages because he's fucking with you. I'd love you 'even without you' could be interpreted as if you leave, but it could also be sinister eg if you were dead.

He's messing with your head, trying to make you feel like you're in a fog and don't know which way is up, so you'll be more dependent on him. This is probably a factor in drinking too (2 bottles a week is a bit too much for health but not exactly alcoholic territory, does suggest you needed to take the edge off a bit which I would too, living with a man like that). Losing your job played into his hands because it make you more isolated.

Why does he do it? Because this way he has a controllable woman meeting his every need and he doesn't have to face up to his insecurity that there might be someone out there who's better for you, or you might like someone else. It's basically caging you.

You need support to get away and stay away, hell probably turn lovey dovey and nasty in turn. If he's been violent before, he might do that again.

Dh has never called me a rude name in the whole time we've been together, it's not normal and you can have a better life than this

Overandunderit · 03/01/2023 11:46

OP don't let him weasel his way back in with promises of changing. The best advice I have ever been given is " when people who you who they are believe them".

Leave as soon as you can.

Iam4eels · 03/01/2023 11:50

I strongly recommend you get professional support, OP and that you give the National Domestic Abuse helpline a call for advice around staying safe and keeping this man away from you and your DC.

Their number is 0808 2000 247.

Do you have a trusted friend or relative who can come stay with you while you pack your things so that you're not alone if he comes home? If not then put the chain on the door/your key in the lock so it can't be easily opened from outside and keep your phone near you in case you need to ring 999 (and do not hesitate to call it if he does come home and starts giving you shit).

I would also recommend looking into a non-molestation order. Its free to apply to the court for one, it can be granted the same day, and it will set out that he is to stay away from you, not contact you, and not harrass or intimidate you. He can be arrested for breaking it.

XmasElf10 · 03/01/2023 11:56

Take a HUGE deep breath because he is being a manipulative head-fuck. Don’t engage with his head-fuckery and get on with making your plan a reality. He is not going to change and you need to now do you and leave him to be annoying in a corner by himself!

OutDamnedSpot · 03/01/2023 11:57

Right. So what’s the plan now? You said you wanted to pack your bags (not his?) so are you ready to go? Do you have paperwork etc?

Tinner01 · 03/01/2023 12:17

MisfitMaiden · 03/01/2023 10:34

He replied saying

"You are right. I don't deserve you. Do what you have to do"

What does that even mean?

He’s trying to manipulate you, as seen earlier when he gaslit you. Don’t give in. Good luck.

Original poster

MisfitMaiden · 03/01/2023 13:22

Thankyou for the replies.

I've decided I'm not packing me and the kids out of the house. I'm kicking him out. I don't care if he's the breadwinner, the house is 50% mine and I'm not upheaving the children. They shouldn't have to suffer. This is their home.

Or if he wants to kick me out, that's fine. But the kids are staying here until the house is sold and I can find a permanent new home for us. I'm sure he won't opt for that when he realises he will be paying for childcare if he wants to go to work.

I've dedicated the past 11 years to my children. Given up my identity, all to have it thrown in my face.

Well both him and my daughter's father are gonna have a shock.

I'm gonna find a full time job. And they will be having their children 3.5 days a week. And if those days fall on a working day for them, it isn't my problem.

I am done being an unpaid, disrespected childcare source, which they pay me child maintenance/allow me to spend our supposed joint finances. All while they think they are superior to me.

In fairness, daughters father doesn't do this really. I've been with my husband since she was 2 years old and she's now 11. But I dont think he realises the extent of how he depends on me, whilst he just plays the fun dad on the weekend with zero responsibility.

I really hope I'm not wrong in all this. I'm still feeling like I'm a terrible person. Just need time to come to terms with everything.

OP posts:

Iam4eels · 03/01/2023 13:31

If you're kicking him put then definitely call the number posted above and look into obtaining an occupation order. If you do t get an occupation order rhenium you cannot legally bar him from entering the house.

Squamata · 03/01/2023 13:49

It's really great that you want to make a change OP, but you need some professional help - call the numbers listed. There will be legal and financial things to talk through, and your partner will probably not just go along with what you have planned. Plus he'll try to mess with you and make you change your mind.

Call for some extra support, right now.

IncompleteSenten · 03/01/2023 15:21

His replies sound like he didn't believe for a second that he was going to get home and find you gone.

Doidontimmm · 03/01/2023 15:25

The problem will be OP that you can’t force him to have his child 50/50. Even if a court ordered it they can’t actually make him. Unfair I know.

Balloty · 12/11/2023 21:11

I wonder about you OP - are you ok? Did it work out for you?

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