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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband gone to gym

29 replies

DulcedeLecheCaffeLatte · 02/01/2023 10:22

Kids ill with chickenpox, 3&6 years old. Kids have been sleeping badly and husband and I have more or less each been looking after one child in the night, though I’ve been with the 3 year old who’s the most unsettled. Last night he slept a total of 4 hours. I’ve been ill for the last two weeks and just starting to get better. Husband has helped out in this time with whatever needs doing when he’s not working, and tried to re-arrange some work to be here for a bit in the morning, but also prioritised his gym time throughout. I wanted to ask whether this is fair or whether he should give up a couple of mornings at the gym to help more? Or has he been doing enough?

OP posts:
aureus3012 · 02/01/2023 10:25

I don't think there's anything wrong in him wanting to go to the gym if he is pulling his weight otherwise. It's a benefit to his mental and physical health. You could say that you need to go out for an hour or two to recharge your batteries, and have a nice leisurely coffee in peace!

dementedpixie · 02/01/2023 10:26

How long is he away for?
Has the gym not been shut some of the time anyway?

Coffeellama · 02/01/2023 10:27

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going to the gym, its not like he’s not making an effort to help. Do you work?

ivykaty44 · 02/01/2023 10:27

Does he stop you going to the gym? If so that’s not on but otherwise it’s healthy to have time out on exercise to set you up

Harliegh · 02/01/2023 10:28

Sounds like he's done everything he's needed to. Gym time is also important for people's sanity.

Original poster
DulcedeLecheCaffeLatte · 02/01/2023 10:28

Thank you for the replies. I might just be tired and grumpy and needing to see it from another perspective. I’ll try to get out too.
he goes for a couple of hours. It’s been shut over Christmas but then he exercises outside instead

OP posts:
Original poster
DulcedeLecheCaffeLatte · 02/01/2023 10:29

Thank you so much for helping me see it’s me on this occasion

OP posts:
Sirzy · 02/01/2023 10:29

Escape time is vital especially when things are chaos at home! You should of course get equal time to relax

Original poster
DulcedeLecheCaffeLatte · 02/01/2023 10:37

Thank you I think I do need to get out, I realise now it’s me that hasn’t prioritised my time in the same way

OP posts:
DottieUncBab · 02/01/2023 10:59

Gym time is so important for mental health so I think it’s good he is prioritising this. It sounds like he is helping out as much as he can and pulling his weight.

ThorFull · 02/01/2023 11:02

Sick children over the holidays is so hard.
Be kinder to yourself.
Your DH is filling his cup so he will have more to give to his family.
Fill your cup too.

HilarysMantelpiece · 02/01/2023 11:03

Prioritise getting outside yourself; ideally early morning, before 10am and for a minimum of 20minutes at this time of year.
The light and movement will help calm and organise your brain- it won't take away the load of minding ill 3yo and 6yo. I know the effort and work that goes into that.

But, you need to balance minding yourself and re-charging your own batteries so that you can keep going.
Instead of resenting your husband getting to the gym, prioritise the time he has available to ensure that you get some outside time, away from the house, also. You are a team, so as team-mates, you need to ensure that both of you get that recharge time.
Good luck.

Original poster
DulcedeLecheCaffeLatte · 02/01/2023 11:07

Thank you I really appreciate the comments!

OP posts:
FromTheFront2theBack · 02/01/2023 11:24

I feel like with this kind of issue no one is particularly unreasonable but it's better to negotiate this stuff in advance when you're both running on empty. That way you can both enjoy equal time 'off' and neither of you resent the other for using their free time however they choose.

When your DH gets back I'd just let him know you're really tired and can he take the kids for 2 hours so you can nap/go for a walk/take a long bath/whatever.

KarmaStar · 02/01/2023 12:17

I'm not surprised you are tired and grumpy.He sounds a really good dad and husband to be fair and it's a great idea to maintain fitness both for physical and mental health.
Have a chat and agree some time out for you to do something too,whatever your exercise is , even a walk in the fresh air.
Take heart that you will all get through this.💐💐💐

Parker231 · 02/01/2023 12:19

make sure you do your gym time or go for a run - it’s easy to spend too much time indoors over the winter months particularly when you’re already tired.

FurAndFeathers · 02/01/2023 12:20

Coffeellama · 02/01/2023 10:27

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going to the gym, its not like he’s not making an effort to help. Do you work?

Ugh!

man deserves leisure time because he made an effort to ‘help’ his wife parent his own children

I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve leisure time - but he deserves it in equal allocation with the OP and on the assumption he’s doing equal parenting not just ‘helping’ his wife as the default parent

Delatron · 02/01/2023 12:23

You just need equal leisure time. Men are very good at this! They will prioritise hobbies/exercise.

Just make sure you do the same.

Boopboopboo · 02/01/2023 12:29

Chicken pox is horrendous. Make sure you are asking for some you time too, whatever you need and that will make you feel human. It would be nice if he thought to check with you but more important to make sure you keep sane

Coffeellama · 02/01/2023 12:36

FurAndFeathers · 02/01/2023 12:20

Ugh!

man deserves leisure time because he made an effort to ‘help’ his wife parent his own children

I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve leisure time - but he deserves it in equal allocation with the OP and on the assumption he’s doing equal parenting not just ‘helping’ his wife as the default parent

Show quote history

Both deserve leisure time, I said nothing to suggest otherwise. Some people will pick something to moan about anywhere!

Isittrueornot · 02/01/2023 12:38

The problem is not him going to the gym, the problem is you don’t take leisure time outside the house too. Take up an interest or hobby and go have some me time.

Findyourneutralspace · 02/01/2023 12:39

He’s looking after himself which will make him better at looking after you. Sounds like he’s been doing a decent job of it too. Can’t pour from an empty cup and all that.

It’s not like he’s buggered off to the pub and come home useless. Sorry you’re feeling crappy though.

FurAndFeathers · 02/01/2023 19:39

Coffeellama · 02/01/2023 12:36

Both deserve leisure time, I said nothing to suggest otherwise. Some people will pick something to moan about anywhere!

Show quote history

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going to the gym, its not like he’s not making an effort to help

help with what?

Parenting his own children? Why do you see it as him ‘helping’ the OP rather than just doing his share of basic parenting?

Coffeellama · 02/01/2023 19:45

FurAndFeathers · 02/01/2023 19:39

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going to the gym, its not like he’s not making an effort to help

help with what?

Parenting his own children? Why do you see it as him ‘helping’ the OP rather than just doing his share of basic parenting?

Show quote history

I don’t see it like that, you just want to pick an argument to make your point about ‘help’ not being the right word. Can’t really be arsed explaining my point to you, you aren’t the OP and she accepted the response before you even started moaning on here. Have a nice evening!

FurAndFeathers · 02/01/2023 20:08

Coffeellama · 02/01/2023 19:45

I don’t see it like that, you just want to pick an argument to make your point about ‘help’ not being the right word. Can’t really be arsed explaining my point to you, you aren’t the OP and she accepted the response before you even started moaning on here. Have a nice evening!

Show quote history

You don’t seem to understand how discussion boards work 😁