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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seriously ill relative but no contact?

49 replies

Notsurewhattoreplyandsay · 01/01/2023 23:09

NC for this as its incredibly outing.

My aunt aged 55 has sent a message to her 5 siblings (one being my dad) a few days ago saying she's seriously ill and hopes to make it to the new year to redo her will but if not she wants her money split by XYZ and what she wants to happen with her body and where she wants the ashes to be spread etc. She is young and has never had a health problem in the past bar a basic back op and some thyroid issue years ago which medication sorted.

She also put in the message that she didn't want any of us to send her messages or contact her which I thought was odd but I have respected her wishes. She's since been briefly in contact with my other aunt who I am NC with and briefly with my mum. She has not been explicit with explaining what's wrong and/or when she was diagnosed and how long she might have left. I feel so upset but not able to know more or contact her because of her wishes and she lives thousands of miles away with a significant time difference too.

I feel like I can't go forward or be upset or start to almost grieve without knowing. But how do I find out. I want to tell my children but haven't said a word yet because I have no information if they ask questions. They are close although there's a distance between us. She has a husband but he's being very quiet too and no other family in the same country to ask. I feel so sad and in limbo and almost like she's already gone as she usually comments on our social media regularly and sends regular WhatsApp messages but shes been silent since sending that message.

Anyway I don't know what to do, should I try and phone her anyway or send her a message?? Thanks for reading.

YABU stay quiet and she'll contact you when she is ready/you don't need to know anymore information.
YANBU contact her and try and find out more info and speak to her in general.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 01/01/2023 23:12

Well, I am really sorry if this is true, but do you think she's being a drama queen?

Original poster
Notsurewhattoreplyandsay · 01/01/2023 23:13

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/01/2023 23:12

Well, I am really sorry if this is true, but do you think she's being a drama queen?

Oddly one of her brothers said the same thing. But she's a retired nurse and I don't think she'd so this to her family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsurewhattoreplyandsay · 01/01/2023 23:13

*do this

OP posts:
JoyeuxNarwhal · 01/01/2023 23:19

Have you got direct contact details for her husband? I know you said he's being quiet but have you/your dad asked him directly?

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/01/2023 23:19

Usually if someone has a terminal illness, they will talk about what it is, the treatments available, the impact it is having on their life and so on. This reaction just doesn't seem realistic.

Original poster
Notsurewhattoreplyandsay · 01/01/2023 23:20

JoyeuxNarwhal · 01/01/2023 23:19

Have you got direct contact details for her husband? I know you said he's being quiet but have you/your dad asked him directly?

Yes email, phone number, social media. My dad emailed him and he replied very short saying basically thanks for your message take care 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsurewhattoreplyandsay · 01/01/2023 23:21

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/01/2023 23:19

Usually if someone has a terminal illness, they will talk about what it is, the treatments available, the impact it is having on their life and so on. This reaction just doesn't seem realistic.

There's no way she would do this to her family without being sure. I'm so tempted to send her a message but not sure what to say.

OP posts:
Onnabugeisha · 01/01/2023 23:31

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/01/2023 23:19

Usually if someone has a terminal illness, they will talk about what it is, the treatments available, the impact it is having on their life and so on. This reaction just doesn't seem realistic.

Not everyone. My SIL did this too. She passed almost a year ago. It was cancer.

saraclara · 01/01/2023 23:37

She also put in the message that she didn't want any of us to send her messages or contact her

Then that's what she wants and you respect her wishes. Who is the important person here, her or you?

Her DH's very brief response to your dad's message makes it clear that he too is not going to elaborate. So what more confirmation did you want? I don't even know why you're asking.

saraclara · 01/01/2023 23:39

I feel like I can't go forward or be upset or start to almost grieve without knowing. But how do I find out.

You don't.
Again: This. Is. Not. About. You.

JKRisGalileo · 01/01/2023 23:39

Are you sure that it is actually your aunt who has sent this communication? I would be wanting FaceTime to know that she was doing this of her own accord. It sounds very suss to me.

Original poster
Notsurewhattoreplyandsay · 02/01/2023 00:16

JKRisGalileo · 01/01/2023 23:39

Are you sure that it is actually your aunt who has sent this communication? I would be wanting FaceTime to know that she was doing this of her own accord. It sounds very suss to me.

My other aunt has spoken to her by phone and my dad has spoken with her briefly by message. I'm not suspecting anything untoward but my thoughts are selfishly I want to know what is wrong and what the prognosis is and to be prepared and to cherish what time we have left. We are very close, she is godmother to one of my DC. I am devastated. I know its not about me but is that it? Do we just never speak again? I'm so confused.

OP posts:
JKRisGalileo · 02/01/2023 00:21

I'm so sorry this is happening to your aunt and to you. Would it be possible for you to travel to see her? If she is terminally ill, you would at least be able to say goodbye in person.

Original poster
Notsurewhattoreplyandsay · 02/01/2023 00:24

JKRisGalileo · 02/01/2023 00:21

I'm so sorry this is happening to your aunt and to you. Would it be possible for you to travel to see her? If she is terminally ill, you would at least be able to say goodbye in person.

I would love to but financially and our exclusively breast fed baby would prevent it. But my parents would love to, but they have no idea how when why etc etc. They don't want to go now and upset her plus she might have a year to go if you see what I mean?

OP posts:
JKRisGalileo · 02/01/2023 00:27

I hope it all turns out well for you and your family. Wishing you all the best.

Original poster
Notsurewhattoreplyandsay · 02/01/2023 00:28

JKRisGalileo · 02/01/2023 00:27

I hope it all turns out well for you and your family. Wishing you all the best.

You're very kind thanks 😊

OP posts:
RoseBucket · 02/01/2023 00:47

Because she is a retired nurse she might be trying to protect you from a place of caring, she would have seen people in a state of health which is more upsetting for the family, many patients have these concerns. You could just reach out, tell her how much she means to you and you respect her views but also want her to know you are there for her if she needs you.

saraclara · 02/01/2023 01:09

RoseBucket · 02/01/2023 00:47

Because she is a retired nurse she might be trying to protect you from a place of caring, she would have seen people in a state of health which is more upsetting for the family, many patients have these concerns. You could just reach out, tell her how much she means to you and you respect her views but also want her to know you are there for her if she needs you.

But SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GET MESSAGES LIKE THAT

Sorry to shout, but this lady has specifically asked for NO messages. None.
She has her reasons. Maybe the type of message you're suggesting is exactly the sort that she cannot deal with.

It beggars belief that so many people would ignore a terminally ill person's exceptionally clear wishes.

antipodeancanary · 02/01/2023 01:15

saraclara · 02/01/2023 01:09

But SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GET MESSAGES LIKE THAT

Sorry to shout, but this lady has specifically asked for NO messages. None.
She has her reasons. Maybe the type of message you're suggesting is exactly the sort that she cannot deal with.

It beggars belief that so many people would ignore a terminally ill person's exceptionally clear wishes.

Show quote history

Exactly this. If you absolutely must message then message her husband and he will do with the message whatever he deems fit.

Wat2do222 · 02/01/2023 06:22

This sounds very sad OP, I understand about respecting wishes but it does seem off that they would tell everyone but insist on no contact? To my mind, if your intension was to not 'not cause a fuss' (which I have seen before personally) then you would not say anything at all but leave instructions for if/when the inevitable happens to be passed on? I guess ours is not to question a person's intentions in this situation but I would wonder what her actual mental state is right now? If she is possibly medicated or very justifiably struggling with this news herself this could be a factor. I totally understand the distress, I would feel very conflicted. From your description, it does not seem like she has any form for this type of behavior (which I have also seen) I think if it was me, I would probably just let my uncle know how much they are in my thoughts and send love. They have obviously have decided their way of handling it and as painful as it seems, I guess you have to accept it - none the less this does not make it any less upsetting for you and the rest of your family/loved ones though 💐

Vonniee7 · 02/01/2023 07:27

Please please please respect her wishes. When I was going through the grief of dealing with my still births I specifically asked for no contact with anyone except my mum and sisters. I knew my friends and extended family were thinking of me and cared but I could not deal with their sympathies. I will always be grateful for the ones that actually did what I asked because the messages I received from the ones who didn't listen actually made it so much harder.

Original poster
Notsurewhattoreplyandsay · 02/01/2023 07:57

Ok thank you. I think it's just the unknown. when I saw her for the first time in years just a few months ago she was completely healthy and they were both very happy and relaxed. So either she's got extremely ill very quickly or had just been diagnosed with something and has some time to go. The no knowing anything Is upsetting me , but I guess it's not about me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsurewhattoreplyandsay · 02/01/2023 07:58

Vonniee7 · 02/01/2023 07:27

Please please please respect her wishes. When I was going through the grief of dealing with my still births I specifically asked for no contact with anyone except my mum and sisters. I knew my friends and extended family were thinking of me and cared but I could not deal with their sympathies. I will always be grateful for the ones that actually did what I asked because the messages I received from the ones who didn't listen actually made it so much harder.

Thank you and sorry to hear of your losses.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 02/01/2023 08:02

I had a friend who died of cancer. She didn't want to see anyone when it reoccurred after a period in remission. She asked us all to respect this and remember her as she was. It's hard but you have to respect your aunts wishes.

Original poster
Notsurewhattoreplyandsay · 02/01/2023 08:06

ApolloandDaphne · 02/01/2023 08:02

I had a friend who died of cancer. She didn't want to see anyone when it reoccurred after a period in remission. She asked us all to respect this and remember her as she was. It's hard but you have to respect your aunts wishes.

But I don't know whats wrong with her. At least you knew what it was and could make some kind of peace with it (not that it makes it much better I know) I feel lost.

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