Seriously ill relative but no contact?

[Notsurewhattoreplyandsay]

NC for this as its incredibly outing.

My aunt aged 55 has sent a message to her 5 siblings (one being my dad) a few days ago saying she's seriously ill and hopes to make it to the new year to redo her will but if not she wants her money split by XYZ and what she wants to happen with her body and where she wants the ashes to be spread etc. She is young and has never had a health problem in the past bar a basic back op and some thyroid issue years ago which medication sorted.

She also put in the message that she didn't want any of us to send her messages or contact her which I thought was odd but I have respected her wishes. She's since been briefly in contact with my other aunt who I am NC with and briefly with my mum. She has not been explicit with explaining what's wrong and/or when she was diagnosed and how long she might have left. I feel so upset but not able to know more or contact her because of her wishes and she lives thousands of miles away with a significant time difference too.

I feel like I can't go forward or be upset or start to almost grieve without knowing. But how do I find out. I want to tell my children but haven't said a word yet because I have no information if they ask questions. They are close although there's a distance between us. She has a husband but he's being very quiet too and no other family in the same country to ask. I feel so sad and in limbo and almost like she's already gone as she usually comments on our social media regularly and sends regular WhatsApp messages but shes been silent since sending that message.

Anyway I don't know what to do, should I try and phone her anyway or send her a message?? Thanks for reading.

YABU stay quiet and she'll contact you when she is ready/you don't need to know anymore information.
YANBU contact her and try and find out more info and speak to her in general.

Sounds like you have no cousins to ask?

It seems your aunt is dying and expects it to be very soon. Obviously you are all in shock but you need to ask your mum and aunt what they know. If they know nothing more one, and only one, of you could message the husband saying it would be easier to bear if you knew the cause. You could also say you want to support him in any way you can, it will be even harder for him than for you.

We don't directly speak but I understand they've heard nothing either. My dad already did this and was basically brushed off very politely.

I think you have to go with her wishes . Of course it's upsetting for the family . As a Nurse , she will have knowledge of what's in front of her . She may be in shock with the diagnosis. I had a best friend who did the same. She passed away within three months of being diagnosed . I didnt see her at all . She didn't want anyone seeing her so ill. Your Aunt maybe the same . Just respect her wishes ...things may change but its her choice isn't it . Its very emotional though...sorry you're having to go through this OP

This is very hard for you but you need to sit with your discomfort rather than force contact on her that she does not want. You could write her a letter and she may or may not read it.

I've thought about this but no idea what to say. I'm quite direct (ASD) and I'm not that good at wording things well or coming across sympathetic even though I truly can be. I also worry due to distance the letter may arrive after I do find out what's happening and then it may really upset her.

Your aunt has so much to deal with. Her own feelings and fears, treatment and pain; The arrangement of her affairs; the feelings of her husband and any relatives and friends she may have told.

She doesn't need to be thinking about anyone else right now- including you.

Maybe she's told people who are geographically close so they can offer practical support.
Maybe she doesn't want to deal with people who have transport and accommodation requirements to consider.
Maybe she wants to focus all her remaining time on her husband and pets.

Honestly if I had limited time and resources, I'd focus on my husband and kids.
My siblings and parents and everyone else would be a way down the list.

Sorry for your situation, but she doesn't have space and time for you now.

There's no one in the same country or nearby at all
No kids or pets only her husband.
She is extremely close to siblings and they usually all hear from her daily. I usually hear from her 4-5 times a week. This is why it's so odd. But I guess I have to accept it. My fear is not knowing then suddenly she's passed away and I've never even had the chance to talk to her at all.

If she wanted to talk to you, she would. And she still might. But when she's ready.

Honestly I can't think of anything worse than having to deal with other people in that situation.

Obviously it may be quite different for your aunt. But in my case, no one around me would be supportive and comforting. They'd be needy and emotional. So draining, when you're at your lowest.

It seems strange that she has suddenly gone 'no-contact' after such close relationships. I think that the people who are admonishing you about your aunt's 'right' to not be contacted at such a crucial time of her life might know far less about her individual circumstances than you do. I can't tell you what to do, but I do think that it is strange and suspicious to be told not to contact her at what might be the end of her life. Keep talking to your relatives, those who know her. Don't give up on her, and maybe get someone to go out there and investigate. I understand that you can't go yourself. I completely sympathise with your dilemma and wish you all the best. I hope that those who are taking it on themselves to forbid you to take it further will be more understanding and supportive, particularly since they don't know you or your family. I don't either, but I do think you should be given some respect and acceptance that you know your family better than anyone commenting here, (including me).

I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this. I know three people who asked for no or limited contact with friends and wider family after having a terminal diagnosis. Two got in touch again once they had time to process and one kept contact to two close family members. My view is that it is their decision to make as hard as that is for those who love them. However, if you do reach out I think doing so through their husband and just to say you are thinking of them, not asking any questions in terms of prognosis and making it clear you do not need a reply is the least invasive approach.

😭 thank you.

Thank you it's interesting you say others you know have done this, it seems such a strange reaction to me but then I havent been seriously ill so I don't know how I'd react if that were me. I think I'll just message her husband saying I'm thinking of them and send my love.

My DH didnt want to see his brother or his friends when he was ill. He has a terminal diagnosis. Not end of life yet but has had a couple of near death experiences during his treatment phase. What I found is the absolute helplessness he felt when in a situation he couldnt change. So he looked for things that he did have control over and that is what your aunt is doing- she has clearly going through a terrible time and the one thing she has control over is who she sees and what is to happen with inheritance. Therefore respect her wishes, it may not fit neatly with your own expectations but this isnt about you.

Thank you I never thought of it from that standpoint. I think because I havent had serious illness or had much to do with it in terms of other family or friends. My dad once had cancer but was quite open with everyone and kept in contact with everyone but I guess it wasn't terminal.

I had a friend who died in a hospice. She was so tired of being brave for her relatives and other friends, it was draining her. She could be open with me about being exhausted and scared.

As long as someone has spoken to her and heard from her this is what she wants and is not something her husband has requested. Maybe she has something infectious and doesnt want to give it to others, maybe she just hasnt got the energy to deal with all of you and wants a few more precious moments with her husband.

Dying is hard, dont make it harder for her.

Oh wow this is so hard.
I think, as long as there is no suspicion of foul play, then you have to listen to and respect her wishes.
Initially I thought no one had heard from her directly, and that seemed concerning, but if she’s spoken to a couple of people in the family so you know the messages are from her, then you can’t ignore what she requests.

I can understand that not knowing the illness/prognosis is hard on a loved one. I suppose she must have her reasons for not wanting to share that info though.

I’m with the poster who thinks this sounds really suss.

She’s in a country thousands of miles away, with no family nearby, only her husband, and aside from one phone call nobody has heard from her in person that you can be sure of, just these strange texts, and as for the stuff about her will and ashes, etc, surely her husband would deal with that?

It all sounds really very odd. Like someone building a backstory for a disappearance.

Are any of you I contact with any of her friends where she lives? I’d want someone I trust to do a check on her in person.

No there's literally no one around them that we know. We're all UK based and we don't know their friends etc as she's only been there a few years and obviously covid hampered any visiting etc. I saw her in August and she was genuinely 100% well so I am shocked but I still don't think it's something suspicious.

She may be in shock at her diagnosis. It could have been a chance finding during a routine check . There can be a guilt that people feel, that because they're sick, others are in pain. as it sounds, it happens. It ran through my head and i kept apologising to my family, as did my mother when she got sick. I've cared for many who I've listened to talk about this as well. What you're feeling is normal No matter the reasons for nc, all you can do is respect her wishes, access support for yourselves, and find ways to move forward in supporting your aunt and uncle.

Yes maybe it is a shock and something new. She was totally well in August so I'm at a loss how she could now be at deaths door. But maybe I'm naive, I've never experienced this before.

What is her husband like? I think this sounds very very suspicious actually.

Very lovely chilled and religious in a very American ma'am sort of way.

We lost my Mum 5 years ago, my Dad was understandably sad, but seemed fine. 2 weeks after her funeral, he lost a huge amount of weight and became so tired. He was coughing a lot. He was admitted to the hospital 2 days later for a chest infection. He died from terminal cancer that he never knew he had, just 3 weeks later. Mum died in June, Dad in August. Unfortunately it can and does happen. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry for your losses but thank you for sharing. In my experience which is limited this just doesn't happen 😕 I'm sad that it does.