Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I at fault or is he

49 replies

Pigsinblankets1 · 01/01/2023 22:40

Since the beginning of December I’ve been unwell I suffer with endometriosis fibromyalgia and fatigue. The first 2 two weeks I was on my period in pain exhausted and in a and e on a drip twice to manage pain and for some fluids. After 2 weeks I was just exhausted and then the rush of Christmas seeing family etc came. Finally had time to myself and got covid so did my partner. I’ve left my half of the room slip I’ve got clothes everywhere medication packets big pile of laundry etc it’s grown slowly over December. my partner is getting frustrated by it and has offered to sort it for me but I can’t I have adhd and hate people moving my stuff I get anxious just thinking about it. I’ve promised him over the next few days I’ll sort it but he wants it done now and keeps saying he will do it. The mess is stressing me but not as much as the thought of someone else doing it. I’ve kept on top of the rest of the house with him and I doing cleaning and tidying almost equally. I’m currently laying in bed with a heated blanket to help some of the body pain from covid. I’m feeling really bad as the mess is stressing him out. I know tomorrow I’ll be able to start and make a dent and tackle half of it if I feel better

OP posts:
ForensicFlossy · 01/01/2023 22:43

I feel for you but you need to understand that your dp is probably feeling stressed about the mess in the room just as you are feeling stressed about him touching it. I couldn't cope with sleeping in an untidy bedroom.

dolor · 01/01/2023 22:45

You're going to need to let him do it, it's his space too.

GreenManalishi · 01/01/2023 22:47

I get that you don't feel like it, but turning down his offer of help because that would stress you out doesn't really leave him anywhere to go with it.

Your half of the bedroom, unless you've got it screened off is really just the bedroom and if its a bombsite for weeks, for whatever reason, it's understandable that it's grinding his gears.

Original poster
Pigsinblankets1 · 01/01/2023 22:48

I know I feel awful about and I’m just very stressed by it all he’s tidied up before and then I’ve spent months looking for things. I have a set routine of where things go to help me not forget things and to make my mornings run smoothly. He’s also before now chucked out a bag with a dress that I was returning and the bin men took it away and an envelope from my dressing table with a voucher in luckily I got it back. He just shoves things away almost out of sight out of mind.

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 01/01/2023 22:49

Then I'd suggest body doubling and doing it together.

Crazykefir · 01/01/2023 22:49

You need to let him help you.

Testina · 01/01/2023 22:49

Is there a compromise, where he can scoop up everything and put it into a big Ikea blue bag / suitcase - sling it in the spare room, or corner of another room - and you sort it out from there?

You can do it at your leisure, he doesn’t have to live amongst your mess in the meantime.

Onnabugeisha · 01/01/2023 22:50

Pigsinblankets1 · 01/01/2023 22:48

I know I feel awful about and I’m just very stressed by it all he’s tidied up before and then I’ve spent months looking for things. I have a set routine of where things go to help me not forget things and to make my mornings run smoothly. He’s also before now chucked out a bag with a dress that I was returning and the bin men took it away and an envelope from my dressing table with a voucher in luckily I got it back. He just shoves things away almost out of sight out of mind.

I think you should accept his offer to clean your side of the bedroom. You are in bed and are on hand to give him guidance so he’s not tossing away things that are important.

MiddleOfTheNightAgain · 01/01/2023 22:50

Do it together - you can discuss where you want things to go.

Testina · 01/01/2023 22:52

Well if you have a set routine of where things go, that’s a lot easier. As he’s prepared to help you, let him hold up the laundry for you to say from your bed, “jeans - third drawer down please, on the right for blue, preferably a triple fold if you will.”

dolor · 01/01/2023 22:54

So supervise him doing it. I have ND stuff going on, and sometimes as hard as it is, you have to let someone step in. This is one of those times.

Unicorn717 · 01/01/2023 22:56

If you feel like you can't do it, let him and tell him where things need to go.
Might be stressful but he doesn't need to live in a mess because you haven't sorted it yet.

Goodvibes84 · 01/01/2023 23:00

YABU and self centred. Sorry but your post is very me me me. If I were your partner I couldn’t live like that.
PPs suggestion of bin bagging your stuff and putting it out if the way is a good one. You can sort it out at your leisure then.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/01/2023 23:03

He moves stuff you supervise. Unless that’ll cause a row (which it shouldn’t). He shouldn’t have to live in a tip, it’s so stressful, and it’s been weeks. He’s not making you do it, he’s literally he’ll do it for you. It’s churlish and quite selfish to refuse. This is his living space too.

DiddyHeck · 01/01/2023 23:12

my partner is getting frustrated by it and has offered to sort it for me but I can’t I have adhd and hate people moving my stuff I get anxious just thinking about it.

You say you 'can't' but you can if you try.

Besides, you can just sit up in bed and direct him. It's not hard to find a solution that doesn't mean he has to sleep in a pigsty.

Original poster
Pigsinblankets1 · 01/01/2023 23:19

We tried early in the week but it caused a row as he was saying I was to slow trying to describe to him which draw and box my hair pins go into. he wasn’t listening and just shoving everything in to random draws and boxes. which I would of then had to undo once I was better and try and find where he had put all my things. it’s not been like this all of December it’s just got worse maybe in the last two weeks.

OP posts:
Onnabugeisha · 01/01/2023 23:20

Then perhaps limit what he does to doing the laundry, putting away clothes and clearing away the empty medication packets?

Pippa12 · 01/01/2023 23:23

Two weeks of my bedroom being a state would tip me over the edge?! If you are keeping up with the rest of the house why not the bedroom? Don’t do the household chores, and sort your side of the mess maybe? If you tried to sort this ‘earlier in the week’ it’s unfair it’s still untouched.

Original poster
Pigsinblankets1 · 01/01/2023 23:25

I’ve said I will do it tomorrow and the next day which I think is a compromise as today is the first day I’ve felt better ish. It used all my energy walking to the pharmacy for my prescription as I’ve been with out. the other 3 good days I has this December where spent sorting and wrapping all his family’s presents cooking a roast turkey potatoes and Yorkshires to bring to his family.

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 01/01/2023 23:25

Is there a separate bedroom he can move into, OP?

Sounds tough for both of you. Maybe he can have a separate part of the house that he can keep as his sanctuary?

PinkFrogss · 01/01/2023 23:26

Do you have some music, a podcast, or audiobook you like to listen to? Try and listen to a playlist/chapter/episode and that is your allocated tidying time. Even if it’s just getting it all in bags to be sorted in manageable chunks through the week

Goodvibes84 · 01/01/2023 23:27

Pigsinblankets1 · 01/01/2023 23:25

I’ve said I will do it tomorrow and the next day which I think is a compromise as today is the first day I’ve felt better ish. It used all my energy walking to the pharmacy for my prescription as I’ve been with out. the other 3 good days I has this December where spent sorting and wrapping all his family’s presents cooking a roast turkey potatoes and Yorkshires to bring to his family.

Then you have your priorities wrong. He doesn’t seem lazy from your description of him, if he’s offering to clean it for you. Why are you wrapping presents and walking to the pharmacy? Surely he could have done that while you clean up your mess.

CantFindTheBeat · 01/01/2023 23:28

Pigsinblankets1 · 01/01/2023 23:25

I’ve said I will do it tomorrow and the next day which I think is a compromise as today is the first day I’ve felt better ish. It used all my energy walking to the pharmacy for my prescription as I’ve been with out. the other 3 good days I has this December where spent sorting and wrapping all his family’s presents cooking a roast turkey potatoes and Yorkshires to bring to his family.

Well hmmmm...

Are you cooking or are you in bed?

Maybe he could cook for his family?

Original poster
Pigsinblankets1 · 01/01/2023 23:28

I’m going to get all my laundry picked up tomorrow and taken away to be washed and ironed so all I have do is Hang it up

OP posts:
Unicorn717 · 01/01/2023 23:29

Pigsinblankets1 · 01/01/2023 23:25

I’ve said I will do it tomorrow and the next day which I think is a compromise as today is the first day I’ve felt better ish. It used all my energy walking to the pharmacy for my prescription as I’ve been with out. the other 3 good days I has this December where spent sorting and wrapping all his family’s presents cooking a roast turkey potatoes and Yorkshires to bring to his family.

Surely it would have made more sense for you to stay home and sort it while he went for the walk to the pharmacy? It does kind of sound like you're just making excuses now. It could have been sorted today.