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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I at fault or is he

49 replies

Pigsinblankets1 · 01/01/2023 22:40

Since the beginning of December I’ve been unwell I suffer with endometriosis fibromyalgia and fatigue. The first 2 two weeks I was on my period in pain exhausted and in a and e on a drip twice to manage pain and for some fluids. After 2 weeks I was just exhausted and then the rush of Christmas seeing family etc came. Finally had time to myself and got covid so did my partner. I’ve left my half of the room slip I’ve got clothes everywhere medication packets big pile of laundry etc it’s grown slowly over December. my partner is getting frustrated by it and has offered to sort it for me but I can’t I have adhd and hate people moving my stuff I get anxious just thinking about it. I’ve promised him over the next few days I’ll sort it but he wants it done now and keeps saying he will do it. The mess is stressing me but not as much as the thought of someone else doing it. I’ve kept on top of the rest of the house with him and I doing cleaning and tidying almost equally. I’m currently laying in bed with a heated blanket to help some of the body pain from covid. I’m feeling really bad as the mess is stressing him out. I know tomorrow I’ll be able to start and make a dent and tackle half of it if I feel better

OP posts:

Original poster

Pigsinblankets1 · 01/01/2023 23:31

I haven’t been in bed constantly before covid I was exhausted but just about coping with the minimal tasks. I said I would bring the turkey he can’t cook. I woke up early shoved it in the oven went baCk to bed and then made him put it on a tray with tin foil

OP posts:

Foxylass · 01/01/2023 23:32

Maybe let him launder and iron the laundry, for you to put away? He is trying to help, let him.

catfunk · 01/01/2023 23:34

Sorry but YABU. Either you try to compromise and let him help or your relationship will suffer, I couldn't live with this if I was him, I'd end up leaving

Onnabugeisha · 01/01/2023 23:37

It used all my energy walking to the pharmacy for my prescription as I’ve been with out.

You need to start accepting help. He’s offered, why didn’t you say oh can you pick up my medication? This is beyond ridiculous. You’re poorly and being stubborn by insisting on doing everything you usually do.

Original poster

Pigsinblankets1 · 01/01/2023 23:40

He’s had covid too and was asleep all afternoon so he couldn’t of gone

OP posts:

Gazelda · 01/01/2023 23:40

Pigsinblankets1 · 01/01/2023 23:28

I’m going to get all my laundry picked up tomorrow and taken away to be washed and ironed so all I have do is Hang it up

Can you get him to bag up the laundry while you sort the medication packets?

Allow him to help you. He's doing it because he cares. And because he's uncomfortable in his bedroom.

I sympathise with your situation, but I also feel as though he could be feeling hopeless.

Original poster

Pigsinblankets1 · 01/01/2023 23:42

He causes me more work by trying to help I don’t have to energy to be sorting out more work. Thank you for all your comments it will get tackled tomorrow

OP posts:

Roundabout78 · 01/01/2023 23:43

Pigsinblankets1 · 01/01/2023 23:42

He causes me more work by trying to help I don’t have to energy to be sorting out more work. Thank you for all your comments it will get tackled tomorrow

But you’re causing HIM work. I don’t understand why it’s all on your terms. It sounds really stressful for him.

MissMaple82 · 02/01/2023 00:00

dolor · 01/01/2023 22:45

You're going to need to let him do it, it's his space too.

But it's her things!!!

VyeBrator · 02/01/2023 00:36

MissMaple82 · 02/01/2023 00:00

But it's her things!!!

Show quote history

That doesn't give her the right to force him to live like that, especially when he's offering to CHANGE things!

If my husband put me in this position, I think I'd shove everything into bin bags and if he didn't like it that would be his own lookout.

harrassedmumto3 · 02/01/2023 01:35

I'm really sorry, but you would drive me mad!

Get well soon though

Harliegh · 02/01/2023 01:39

I dont think you are being unreasonable. Another day is no big issue, and it's understandable how it's become messy!

CockSpadget · 02/01/2023 01:44

I hate mess, stresses me out, but I’m on your side. Surely he can put up with it for one more day. I have adenomyosis and fibro, and even without covid those conditions make you feel shit and wiped out for days on end. Yes, he’s trying to help, but it’s a situation that his help will do more harm than good.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/01/2023 01:47

If you’ve had piles of clothes on the floor for a month, the bedroom will be stinking. Not just ‘your side’.

Gross. No wonder he is trying to sort it out. But you won’t ‘let’ him?

If you can get up, cook a turkey, wrap presents and walk to a pharmacy, you could at least put some clothes in the wash, or some pill packets in the bin.

Basic hygiene. Stop blaming ADHD and COVID for being so lazy.

caramellandscape · 02/01/2023 01:49

Harliegh · 02/01/2023 01:39

I dont think you are being unreasonable. Another day is no big issue, and it's understandable how it's become messy!

That's if it really gets sorted tomorrow though. I have ADHD and when I say "tomorrow" I really mean "never". OP might actually be good at follow through though.

If nothing happens tomorrow, I think @Testina's suggestion for him to toss it all out of his sight into a big bag or box or another room – for you to sort out at your leisure later – is the best compromise. Lots of ND family members (including me) in my household and this is what we do with each other's occasional messes!

CockSpadget · 02/01/2023 01:50

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/01/2023 01:47

If you’ve had piles of clothes on the floor for a month, the bedroom will be stinking. Not just ‘your side’.

Gross. No wonder he is trying to sort it out. But you won’t ‘let’ him?

If you can get up, cook a turkey, wrap presents and walk to a pharmacy, you could at least put some clothes in the wash, or some pill packets in the bin.

Basic hygiene. Stop blaming ADHD and COVID for being so lazy.

Spoken exactly like someone who hasn’t got a clue about the absolute debilitating exhaustion fibromyalgia causes.

Merlott · 02/01/2023 01:51

You're being ridiculous sorry.

In the past he's "helped" by tidying your stuff into the bin - yeah that's not ok.

But this time you can say that to him and ask him to help by asking you where stuff goes and NOT putting anything in the bin - he could put questionable things into a bag for you to sort later.

This could be solved with some communication so please communicate plainly with him.

Harliegh · 02/01/2023 01:53

caramellandscape · 02/01/2023 01:49

That's if it really gets sorted tomorrow though. I have ADHD and when I say "tomorrow" I really mean "never". OP might actually be good at follow through though.

Show quote history

I have ADHD too, and I know what you mean. But if I say I'll do something tomorrow then I do it.

caramellandscape · 02/01/2023 01:53

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/01/2023 01:47

If you’ve had piles of clothes on the floor for a month, the bedroom will be stinking. Not just ‘your side’.

Gross. No wonder he is trying to sort it out. But you won’t ‘let’ him?

If you can get up, cook a turkey, wrap presents and walk to a pharmacy, you could at least put some clothes in the wash, or some pill packets in the bin.

Basic hygiene. Stop blaming ADHD and COVID for being so lazy.

I mean, people uneducated about ADHD often used to say "oh he/she is just being lazy" (and still do by the looks of your post). Struggling with hygiene is one of the common markers of ADHD, unfortunately.

She's not wrong in attributing the mess to ADHD, but she does urgently need to learn some proper coping mechanisms or compromises.

MoreSleepPleasee · 02/01/2023 01:59

Yabu op but I am glad you are starting to feel better.

TheDuck2018 · 02/01/2023 02:13

Lots of excuses there, op.....yabu

ItsGettingCold · 02/01/2023 02:18

You are 110% unreasonable but you know you didn't have to ask though.....

dolor · 02/01/2023 04:18

Honestly I'd have just done it if I were him, having ADHD is shit I know because I have it, but you have genuine help and you keep pushing it away. It's not fair to him at all.

wyntersuhn · 02/01/2023 07:33

You've said you'll do it in the next few days, but he's probably been living with it for so long that the next few days will tip him over the edge, and that's if you do actually follow through. I couldn't live like that. If you can't actually do it now (knowing how big a deal it's becoming) then let him sort things into bags which you put in a cupboard and deal with later and bags of rubbish which can be tossed now, so that he can return the room to some semblance of neat and tidy. It's his room as well.

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