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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be SO envious of this?

46 replies

tiredmama23 · 01/01/2023 21:01

My DH will be working away from Tuesday. He will be spending 8 days away and come home for 6. This is a new job. And he will be working extremely hard, granted.

But...

He gets 8 days of staying in a hotel. No housework, no shopping, no cooking, no childcare. He plans to spend his evenings in the hotel gym and watch Netflix uninterrupted. I could die of envy. 😫

AIBU to ask him to swap with me and LTB if he says no?

OP posts:
Keyansier · 01/01/2023 21:14

I once lived in various hotels for a couple of years when I was younger getting sent from place to another place. I HATE staying in hotels now, they make me feel claustrophobic and trapped. I would say you have got the better deal personally, though you probably don't see it that way!

Mumof1andacat · 01/01/2023 21:16

I hope when he's home, you will have the chance for down time

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 01/01/2023 21:17

Mumof1andacat · 01/01/2023 21:16

I hope when he's home, you will have the chance for down time

I'll be handing our toddler over and doing a runner 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmama23 · 01/01/2023 21:18

Keyansier · 01/01/2023 21:14

I once lived in various hotels for a couple of years when I was younger getting sent from place to another place. I HATE staying in hotels now, they make me feel claustrophobic and trapped. I would say you have got the better deal personally, though you probably don't see it that way!

Ahh yeah I can see your point of view - likely not enjoyable if it's longer term. I'd miss my home comforts. I think I'm just desperate for some time away from domestic drudgery and I'm so envious that he gets that.

OP posts:
Pootle22 · 01/01/2023 21:18

I'm with you, it sounds like heaven.

Was this discussed and agreed beforehand? It'll be bloody hard for you basically being a single parent for half the time, and for him to get back into the swing of parenting.

Before I had dc I had a job like this, I really enjoyed it but it does wear a bit thin.

stormelf · 01/01/2023 21:21

Definitely don't blame you for being envious. My DH is away for one night in a hotel before a days training and I'm so jealous! He had a night away for same reason in mid December as well. I'm thinking of booking myself a night at a travel lodge and say it's for training purposes

Keyansier · 01/01/2023 21:21

tiredmama23 · 01/01/2023 21:18

Ahh yeah I can see your point of view - likely not enjoyable if it's longer term. I'd miss my home comforts. I think I'm just desperate for some time away from domestic drudgery and I'm so envious that he gets that.

Show quote history

When he gets some extended time off, say a week or so in a block, I would take two or three days off for yourself and stay in a hotel to recalibrate.

IveHadEnoughNowFfs · 01/01/2023 21:22

Gosh… what I wouldn’t do for a week in a hotel, evenings in the gym and binging Netflix.

What alternate reality do I have to jump into to make this a thing?!

Keyansier · 01/01/2023 21:23

stormelf · 01/01/2023 21:21

Definitely don't blame you for being envious. My DH is away for one night in a hotel before a days training and I'm so jealous! He had a night away for same reason in mid December as well. I'm thinking of booking myself a night at a travel lodge and say it's for training purposes

I don't see the point of lying and making excuses like this?? If you want to book a hotel because you need time to yourself, why not just be upfront and say it? IMO being honest just makes it easier to explain when you want to do the same thing the next month, or the month after..

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 01/01/2023 21:23

Is this a one off or ongoing arrangement?

If it's a one off, like an induction perhaps, I'd let him enjoy it and be absolutely jealous myself. Even the idea of clean sheets that I haven't had to put on the bed myself, and breakfast made for me, is turning me green with envy Grin

If this will be on-going, are there household tasks you can allocate him for his evenings to help even things up? Could he plan meals and do online grocery orders, pay bills online, online shopping for birthday gifts, etc.

BackBeatTheWord · 01/01/2023 21:24

My husband occasionally went on work trips when mine were little and I was definitely envious. He openly admitted to enjoying a few evenings peace and quiet too (and accepted that I was going to chuck the two small ones at him and retreat into the bedroom when he returned). Mine are older now but I'd still enjoy a might to myself in a hotel. Sounds like bliss.

reallyhatewinter · 01/01/2023 21:25

The grass isn't always greener - trust me.
I'm currently doing what your DH is doing but away weekdays, home for the weekends. I'll be doing this for a couple of years and I hate it. All I want is to be at home with DH and DCs. I would gladly swap with DH and the worse thing is I think DH would rather swap too but obviously can't!
Never underestimate how shit it is being away from home, sleeping in a different bed. Netflix only occupies you for a certain time, then boredom sets in and you end up sat on your bed thinking of all the things you're missing at home.

Keyansier · 01/01/2023 21:28

reallyhatewinter · 01/01/2023 21:25

The grass isn't always greener - trust me.
I'm currently doing what your DH is doing but away weekdays, home for the weekends. I'll be doing this for a couple of years and I hate it. All I want is to be at home with DH and DCs. I would gladly swap with DH and the worse thing is I think DH would rather swap too but obviously can't!
Never underestimate how shit it is being away from home, sleeping in a different bed. Netflix only occupies you for a certain time, then boredom sets in and you end up sat on your bed thinking of all the things you're missing at home.

This.
It might be fun and novelty for a couple of nights but long term it's really distressing at just not being able to do what you want when you want. I appreciate it might not seem that way from the other side of things but I agree with @reallyhatewinter that the grass is definitely not always greener.

Glitterandcard · 01/01/2023 21:28

I suspect the novelty will wear off, and if he’s working hard he won’t necessarily have time for Netflix etc. Restaurant/takeaway food gets pretty unappealing after a while, as does living out of a suitcase, not being able to do laundry, look at that book etc that is at home, make your own snack at 1am…. And I’d hate to be away from my kids for 8 days out of 14.

So yeah I’d enjoy it as a one off couple of days. I’d say if it’s a permanent 8 days on 6 days off rotation then it’s going to be pretty tough for both of you but in different ways.

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 01/01/2023 21:28

@Adultchildofelderlyparents

It's an ongoing thing for the foreseeable, although he does have the option to withdraw from the arrangement for the first 3 months (sort of a probationary period) if it's not working out and go back to his old role. We are going to give it a good shot though as he can earn significantly more money.

OP posts:
Snowmoab · 01/01/2023 21:29

My DH used to be military, although I knew he was working blah blah once we had a child I was very resentful when he went on exercise. Deployments were different as obviously they were also dangerous so i wasnt as harsh as to feel it then. But yeah make sure when he is back you have some time to yourself too!

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 01/01/2023 21:31

@reallyhatewinter

I hadn't really thought of it that way, actually. I was just thinking he's so lucky to get 8 evenings of doing nothing! Maybe that's just a reflection of how stressful I find my weekly routine (I work 4 days too). But yeah, perhaps DH will struggle with it too in his own way. 😞

OP posts:
PermanentlyinUAT · 01/01/2023 21:32

I travel a lot for work. Quite fun, exotic places. 5 star hotels, dinners with clients at restaurants like Nobu etc.
The reality is, I’d far prefer to be at home in my pyjamas having a bowl of pasta.

Faraway hills and all that.

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 01/01/2023 21:32

@Adultchildofelderlyparents

Also your suggestion of getting him to do tasks remotely is such a good one, thank you! He could for example order our Tesco shop online when I'm busy with the DC in the evening.

OP posts:
Anotheryearsameshitshow · 01/01/2023 21:35

Home comforts? Most women would sacrifice those for a solid night's sleep imo!!

FlyingPandas · 01/01/2023 21:40

I'd absolutely be envious if it was a one-off or occasional trip. But not in the situation you are describing, which sounds like the novelty will wear off very quickly.

Pre-Covid, my DH did quite a few business trips, usually 1-2 nights at a time, but occasionally a 7 nighter. By occasionally I mean he might do a 7 nighter a couple of times a year. And I do remember feeling envious that he'd be getting a break from the home life and parenting drudgery - even though he also worked incredibly hard.

But the reality is very often different, and DH always used to say that after 2-3 nights away he started feeling quite isolated and lonely and just wanted to be at home.

As you say, it's worth giving it a go if the financial rewards can be significant, but I wouldn't be envious of your DH. Don't underestimate how disorientating that kind of lifestyle can be, even if the child-free-charm aspect can sound appealing at first.

asdfgasdfg · 01/01/2023 21:40

I lived in hotels throughout asia with husband, a three year old and three month old for 4 years, loved it.

C1N1C · 01/01/2023 21:42

My wife would love this because it would mean I wouldn't be messing up her nice clean house and she could relax.

Axolot · 01/01/2023 21:46

DH does this - 6 days away - 3 days off work and home - 2 days working from the office so home. And repeat. He LOVES it. I just wish I could do it occasionally instead!

Original poster
tiredmama23 · 01/01/2023 21:48

FlyingPandas · 01/01/2023 21:40

I'd absolutely be envious if it was a one-off or occasional trip. But not in the situation you are describing, which sounds like the novelty will wear off very quickly.

Pre-Covid, my DH did quite a few business trips, usually 1-2 nights at a time, but occasionally a 7 nighter. By occasionally I mean he might do a 7 nighter a couple of times a year. And I do remember feeling envious that he'd be getting a break from the home life and parenting drudgery - even though he also worked incredibly hard.

But the reality is very often different, and DH always used to say that after 2-3 nights away he started feeling quite isolated and lonely and just wanted to be at home.

As you say, it's worth giving it a go if the financial rewards can be significant, but I wouldn't be envious of your DH. Don't underestimate how disorientating that kind of lifestyle can be, even if the child-free-charm aspect can sound appealing at first.

This balanced perspective is really helpful! Some really good points.

OP posts: