To insist my ex repairs all the leaks in his roof to keep our children safe?

[Cherrybananacake]

He doesn't like getting anyone in to fix anything, and always says it's unaffordable. That was also the case throughout the marriage. There's a bucket for drips in one of the kid's bedrooms and a hole in the ceiling, and a funny smell according to the kids. In total the roof leaks in four places. Kids come back here coughing after a week there. (One week at his, one at mine). The cooker doesn't work and a few windows are ceased shut. He's regularly spending money taking women out and certainly has enough access to credit (and perhaps cash) to do the repairs. Am I out of order saying he should stop spending on himself and fix the house for the kids? He's angry and says who he spends money on isn't my business.

He's also obstructed divorce to avoid giving me my share of the family home or his pension (when we married he suggested I wouldn't need a pension).

Kids think it's all normal and adore him, coughing and shivering all the while. Any thoughts?

Am I out of order saying he should stop spending on himself and fix the house for the kids? He's angry and says who he spends money on isn't my business.

IMO, no you're not at all, but if you're going in demanding and stating stuff I can see why he's automatically defensive, especially if you're using a "you can afford to take your girlfriends out but can't afford this" argument when really the main focus isn't that, and is on the health and safety aspects for your children.

Obstructed divorce how? Could you use that as leverage to get the roof fixed, i.e. saying you're going to seriously push on it if it isn't resolved? Ultimately though, I don't think you can tell someone else what they have to do with their own money to update their own home to a standard you personally deem acceptable.

What on earth is he feeding the kids if the cooler doesn't work?

YANBU. He needs to make the home safe and habitable for his kids. I'd be annoyed too.

*cooker not cooler

Is the leaking house the family home? Is it owned with you both on the mortgage?

It was, yes. I took my name off it so I was able to get a mortgage for my own home. I never got my full share of that house, and started again from scratch. But I probably wouldn't take it anyway, because that would just mean the kids would get even less from him. We bought the house together.

Refused to complete any paperwork, delaying five years, knowing I didn't have the money to do anything about it.

My standards aren't high. I'm fairly sure it's not normal to have rain water coming in in four places and no cooker.

Thank you. He uses a couple of plug in appliances I think

Can't you just refuse to let the kids go there til he's got it sorted on account of their health? This is pure neglect.

Do you have any means of actually enforcing it?

Well you can't actually "insist" that he does this.

Obviously you can't insist anything and he is right that it's none of your business how he spends his money.

The only thing you could really do is stop sending the kids there if you feel it's not safe for them, but you could end up having to sort it out in court I dare say. Do you have evidence to back it up?

I apologised for focusing on the girlfriend thing, and sent him lots of info on the lifelong health risks of damp and mould. I've asked him to get work started within two weeks. The kids love it there because there are no boundaries. I think I'd struggle to stop them going without starting a war.

Do you have reason to think he has money for any of this? I mean, fixing a roof isn't really on par with taking someone on an evening out in terms of cost.

I don't get the asking him to do it within two weeks - how are you going to enforce that? How will you know?

He will probably take no notice of you , he must know it's unacceptable so I doubt you saying anything will make him sort it . But then again maybe I'm just comparing him to my ex

IMO, no you're not at all, but if you're going in demanding and stating stuff I can see why he's automatically defensive, especially if you're using a "you can afford to take your girlfriends out but can't afford this" argument when really the main focus isn't that, and is on the health and safety aspects for your children.

This is how I feel too. You focused on the wrong thing and now you’ve somewhat missed your chance to have a reasonable and rational discussion about the issue. You can’t force him to do the repairs and you’ll have a hard time now trying to make this issue about anything other than you being annoyed about him moving on romantically (because you made that the focus of the discussion). I feel your frustration because it’s very easily done but definitely something to keep in mind for future co-parenting disagreements.

How old are DCs?

Thanks Wunwun, yes I do. My daughter told me that a load of stuff in her room was wrecked when water burst through a hole in the ceiling in her room. I asked him straight out if it was true and he said yes. Apparently it was 1 year+ ago and has had a bucket underneath since. My fear is full ceiling collapse and injuries. I've asked her to sleep on the bottom bunk.

I get the point about the money, and I suppose I've erroneously taken the position I can tell him what to do, since he owes me a six figure sum. But I suppose I have to accept that's not in my hands right now.

I would put in a report to social services.

Surely being safely and adequately housed is a basic necessity?

8 and 13. And yeah, I chose the wrong argument when I was upset, absolutely. He said he had no money and I'd even offered to help him. What he meant was he had no money for the kids.

I'm inclined to agree with this, and yes, of course it's a basic necessity. But I would personally also combine it with what I said in my other post and inform him that's what your intention is unless he fixes the problems somewhat immediately, when he can afford it, purely for the sake of his own children, not for you, and see what his response is.

@Cherrybananacake Please don't take this the wrong way and I've been accused on here of being nasty and aggressive and abrupt and I don't mean this to be so please don't take it that way - but you need to stop being so apologetic to him (that's how it comes across through your posts.) You've done nothing wrong here. You're looking out for your children, which is natural. Stop saying sorry to him because of his poor actions and lack of ordering his responsibilities.

I know this is extreme but you saw the little boy who died from mould exposure. Damp and mould are extremely bad for little lungs and adults too come to that. I would not let my kids go there until a damp survey was done and all was fixed. A court would side with you regarding leaking water and health concerns I do know.

I've given him two weeks to put it right, and then said it's getting referred after that. He's said ok. But I'll believe it when I see it. He says yes to everything, then does nothing.

I agree with this. You're being so laid back about it. Your children are being neglected and are unsafe. They're too young to realise it and you need to protect them. I wouldn't be allowing them to go there from now on until its fixed. He can see you in court, I'd love to see social services reaction when he explained why he thinks a leaky unsafe house with no cooker is acceptable.

Don't give him two weeks! It's been like this for over a year. Refer it now and keep them with you.

Thank you. Many friends have said it before. A long standing dynamic. I get annoyed, become the bad guy, and apologise and back down.