I don’t drink but all our friends do

[Givemecoffeeplease]

I gave up drinking a few years ago. Whilst I wasn’t an alcoholic, alcohol made life more complicated and I was fed up of the hangovers. It’s been the best thing I’ve ever done - I’m more present for my kids and I don’t pick white wine fights with DH.

DH still drinks, as do our friends. Every social event is focussed round food and drink. I slept terribly last night because DH was drunk and snoring, and then I was the one to get up with the kids (this was pre arranged and I’m fine with it, but it does mean I’m knackered!)

I’m trying to explain to DH how it feels that all social events are based round booze. He doesn’t see it, but he’s short tempered the day after drinking. I’d like him to cut down as he drinks more than the recommended allowance (as I used to!) - but is that because I’m worried for his health or because I have FOMO?! I just don’t know, but I feel really crap to always be the sober one and I wish DH would lay off the booze on occasions. But when I raise this he goes defensive. Garghhhh how do I put this into words, and also am I just being a grumpy old cow? AIBU to expect some socialising without booze? Help me please.

Both DH and I go for prolonged periods without alcohol. He because he runs a lot, me because I like to once in a while. We wouldn’t dream of trying to convince the other to stay off it just because the other was off it. I’d find that controlling personally.

I think YAB (a bit) U. Your choice to remain sober, unreasonable to expect others to change. Particularly if you are talking about a NYE party. YANBU to want DH to drink more moderately for health reasons but it has to come from him seeing the advantages.

I don’t think you’ll have any luck with trying to reduce or stop anyone else’s drinking at social events. You’d be better off considering meeting up in non drinking environments such as meeting for a walk or going to an activity that doesn’t include drinking.

As others have said, you're being controlling.

It's like those people who quit smoking and then go on and on about how distasteful and disgusting smoking is, going on even more than someone who has never once smoked a single cigarette in their life.

You need to suggest activities that don't centre around food and drink, be the driving force. If they go along with it, that's great. If they don't, then you maybe need to find some new friends. You can't expect them to drive the change though when it's you that stopped drinking.

Yeah it’s up to you if you don’t want to drink anymore and you can’t force that one him. I would also hate to be the sober one all of the time but you can’t decide what others do.

YABU I'm afraid. I don't drink (because I'm a keen runner and for me the two don't go together) but I honestly don't care what DH, or what my friends, drink. It's up to them.

That said, I'm happy going to the pub, or to parties etc, with people who drink. I have a better time than I did when I used to drink myself, and never feel I'm missing out. Maybe that's because my friends aren't annoying drunks and don't tend to get smashed.

Sorry OP, but there is nothing more irritating than the zeal of a concert.

Convert!

YABU,
it sounds as though you are just meaning to your DH about events focussing on alcohol.

have you tried to organise non-alcohol focussed events with your friends? Be the change you want to see, but you can’t expect everyone else to cut down just because you have.

I'd be pissed off if my DH told me not to drink on an occasion or night out. It would be different if your DH was a problem drinker but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

As someone who hadn't drunk for years I can safely say you will never get someone who drinks to understand.
People really struggle to understand people who are teetotal.
I still have people now convinced they can get me drinking, who after many years of knowing me still ask the same ridiculous questions.
People struggle to understand you can actually enjoy yourself without alcohol.
Tbh I ended up distancing myself from the people who I found hard work. It just wasn't worth it.

Yes yabu.

I think YABU. Fine to stop drinking. Not fine to expect DH to stop if he doesn't want to. Assuming normal social levels of drinking and he's not an alcoholic.

My friends go through phases of not drinking, as do I. I have teetotal friends and family. I'd get annoyed if they tried to preach to me.

My cousin quit booze last year and now runs seminars on the wonder of not drinking which i thought ironic. They told me I would benefit from coming along which I thought cheeky given I can and do stop for months, plus I don't drink a lot in the day to day and tend to like a drink at a celebration or get together rather than drinking at home. A nice glass of wine at a meal with friends or a few nice cocktails on a night out kind of thing. I don't like getting smashed although occasionally I do get drunk!

Suggest finding some friends who want to do other non drinking activities or putting up with your friends having a drink.

Thank you. Pretty unanimous! Which is helpful because it helps me see that IABU and I need to
a) suck it up and
b) come up with other activities.

I can see that being a convert can be annoying…the reformed smoker is a perfect example. Bloody smug twats! That’s clearly me, lol. Thank you. Will cut that out. And bookmark this page as a reminder.

Still no regrets about quitting !!

I slightly disagree with the others in that I think if drinking makes your husband grouchy/no help to you the following day, it's not unreasonable to expect him to modify the amount of alcohol he has.
I also wouldn't fancy having to do all the childcare the next day by default since he's hungover.

People can drink as much as they like, on the proviso that they don't behave like arses and do pull their weight and not leave everything to the sober one. Especially if they are frequent drinkers, rather than having an occasional blowout.

I thought the same. OP if your husband is drinking to the point he is short tempered with you and the kids the next day he needs to cut back in my view. That being said it has to be his choice but maybe have a conversation with him about him being short tempered and how it's making you feel. I think if all social activities are around food and drink maybe suggest something else.

Thanks @ImAvingOops

I do more early morning childcare, but he pulls his weight in other ways. I don’t feel like the balance is unfair.

I don’t think he’ll ever see that he’s short tempered the morning after the night before (I never did!!) but he is mostly mild-mannered so I think I need to be less controlling and perhaps if I lay off the nagging he’ll work out for himself that drinking less is a good thing …. although I’m sure that NYE will always be a party for him!

im also going to plan more outings and outdoor meet ups. And I’m going to keep on enjoying my clear head at the weekend!

What do you mean about how it feels thst all social events are alcohol based?

it sounds like that’s your issue still about alcohol.

i used to drink a fair amount but now either don’t drink Joe drink only a smalll glass of wine say. I went to a big Xmas lunch lots of people were tipsy - I still had a ball.

i have a friend who gave up drinking and now doesn’t drink at all. She also now doesn’t go out to events where anyone is drinking.

my view is that she’s failed to deal with the reasons why she was drinking and is just avoiding them. shes so judgmental of people who drink. And she is also very every unfun to spend time with.

so I think you still have work to do with your own issues about alcohol.

then you think can think about it/how your husbands drinking is impacting on your family and if it is reasonable to intervene. (Which. It probably isn’t)

Drinkers are very annoying when you don't drink yourself. You try not to be judgmental or controlling but it's hard to not sigh internally and think "what a fucking waste" of money/health/mornings.

Hi @Edinburghmusing

I go to SO MANY events with alcohol. It gets boring when everyone is hammered by 11pm and I generally go to bed then (although I lasted til 1am last night!)

I guess it’s just frustrating that all get togethers include booze. I have no issue with being around drinkers or alcohol (and we have it in the house) but I’m bored of drunk people after a merry (hic) Christmas season. In January most people will cut back and I’ll find a bit more balance in our social life. Think I’m just a bit fed up and ready for a change - so I’m going to take the kids to a safari park tomorrow and enjoy the last day of freedom before work. Looking forward to a nice family day. Pretty sure they don’t sell beer…!?!?

I’m normally pretty tolerant but I think I feel really over it after a mad festive season! I love feeling good in the mornings, saving money, and always having the energy to get out for a run or hang out with the kids.

this thread has shown me I’m being controlling, which I’m going to work on. That’s not who I want to be! But yea, I’ll still find slurring drunk mates a bit annoying by 11pm I’m sure!

I'm not sure if you are being controlling. People are very, very defensive about how much they drink and their relationship with alcohol.

We completely understand that you are teetotal. We're struggling to understand why you think that means other people shouldn't drink.

I can agree with you taht you won't get us to understand that.