Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel suffocated by family

29 replies

SunSparkle · 01/01/2023 18:46

Hi

We moved back close to our family after over 15 years away. We also have a daughter who is almost two.

Every weekend is filled with various grandparents and my brother and sister coming to visit. It just feels relentless - like I never stop to breathe.

Each is tricky for various reasons. None of them really take my daughter out on her own (they want us there) but they want to see her all the time. They all live 30-45 mins away on average (apart from my dad).

My mum and I don't have a great relationship. She is a narcisist as a result of a terrible childhood, is very depressed, anxious and has a chronic pain condition (and limited mobility).

My in laws are OK but stuck in a marriage and life they hate and just leach the happiness out of you. My partner and them don't get on particularly well but seem to tolerate eachother. They make my partner very anxious and on edge when they visit. They work part-time but don't want to do weekday childcare or visits (totally fine with me - they offered to do childcare a few times and then pulled out when I explained how a nursery place works).

My dad is our best guest. He tends to come and stay the weekend as he lives further away (several hour drive) but he tends to want waiting on (meals, tea etc) like a guest though he has done an awful lot for us in terms of home improvement.

I feel awful because people don't have their parents anymore and would kill for this but with working full time in a full-on job, travelling to London every month/2 weeks, trying to juggle keeping a house tidy, keep my relationship alive, get some sleep and some downtime. Don't even mention a social life. I have no friends in my new city and my old friends I can barely keep up with. We never have time to spend with friends with kids and so those NCT friendships have dwindled.

I feel like I'm always busy, always in service. I have a phenomenal partner who more than does his fair share of parenting and cleaning. I do have more of the mental load though we talk regularly and swap responsibilities. I feel like something has to change this year but how do I have boundaries while also having my daughter have relationships with all the grandparents?

Even juggling them all they still only come round every 7-14 days and they want more. I just don't know how I can get more balance!

OP posts:
Keyansier · 01/01/2023 18:49

Learn to say the word 'no.' Not 'no, because...' just: 'No'.

Your phones don't have to be answered. Texts don't have to be replied to. Front doors don't need to be opened if knocked or rung upon.

Montague22 · 01/01/2023 18:51

In a similar situation I started filling the calendar myself. You can’t spend every weekend hosting family. So put in meeting your NCT friends, a walk somewhere specific, a museum anything. Just populate your calendar.
I would maybe leave every 3rd weekend for family.

Montague22 · 01/01/2023 18:52

…you shouldn’t have to plan your life the way I did, but it makes it much easier to say ‘no’!

Marigoldandivy · 01/01/2023 18:55

i think you need to explain that you need some downtime. Or get your DH to say this to his side of the family. At least 2 weekends out of 4 without guests. Anyone who really cares about you will understand.

Hbh17 · 01/01/2023 19:25

Just. Say. No.

It's not convenient, and they need to wait until you invite them to come over. Start the New Year as you mean to go on and be assertive.

Anotheryearsameshitshow · 01/01/2023 19:33

Isn't your toddler running wild yet? Give it time and the invites should be less frequent..

Original poster
SunSparkle · 01/01/2023 19:43

Montague22 · 01/01/2023 18:51

In a similar situation I started filling the calendar myself. You can’t spend every weekend hosting family. So put in meeting your NCT friends, a walk somewhere specific, a museum anything. Just populate your calendar.
I would maybe leave every 3rd weekend for family.

This is a good plan. I tend to do them first and then try and see what’s leftover. But there’s never much leftover. That’s the problem. I will start to plan more in just for us and try and stick to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunSparkle · 01/01/2023 19:45

Marigoldandivy · 01/01/2023 18:55

i think you need to explain that you need some downtime. Or get your DH to say this to his side of the family. At least 2 weekends out of 4 without guests. Anyone who really cares about you will understand.

My mum doesn’t understand and she cancels short notice all the time leaving me being the mean one saying that I don’t have a ‘free slot’ until XX date. Thing is cancelling on the morning doesn’t leave me any time to do anything else or see anyone else.

I wish I could say they would understand but they already feel hard done by. I just feel exhausted.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 01/01/2023 19:52

Inlaws could puck dc up early from
Nursery and have afternoon together?

Cardiganwearer · 01/01/2023 19:56

I know this is probably too costly as you’ve just moved, but would you consider moving away again? I feel suffocated for you!

Original poster
SunSparkle · 01/01/2023 20:12

Hankunamatata · 01/01/2023 19:52

Inlaws could puck dc up early from
Nursery and have afternoon together?

I think I might suggest this as an option. They weren’t keen to commit to a weekly slot but I might ask them again. Gets them the frequency they want if they will do sole care.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 01/01/2023 20:16

Why are you facilitating contact with a narcissist?

Merryoldgoat · 01/01/2023 20:17

And just don’t schedule stuff every weekend - ‘sorry - we’re busy this weekend - what about Saturday in two weeks?’

Original poster
SunSparkle · 01/01/2023 20:39

Merryoldgoat · 01/01/2023 20:16

Why are you facilitating contact with a narcissist?

It's really very complicated. I don't think I'm strong enough to go no-contact with her. For those that haven't grown up with it, it's hard to explain how much it shapes the person you are and would take years of therapy for me to unpick my relationship with her. So far her relationship with my child is fine, and while that is, I will let them see eachother. If it turns sour, I will not allow her to see my daughter. Many shitty parents make OK grandparents.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunSparkle · 02/01/2023 15:23

Merryoldgoat · 01/01/2023 20:17

And just don’t schedule stuff every weekend - ‘sorry - we’re busy this weekend - what about Saturday in two weeks?’

What about when they challenge you what you’re busy with? And say they will just come round for an hour or so (and inevitably spend the whole afternoon)?

OP posts:
TakeYourFinalPosition · 02/01/2023 15:25

Many shitty parents make OK grandparents.

In really small doses.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 02/01/2023 15:27

What about when they challenge you what you’re busy with? And say they will just come round for an hour or so (and inevitably spend the whole afternoon)?

Last year I had to learn to be genetic but polite, and firm. “Oh we’ve got other plans.”, “No that wouldn’t work; how about the 14th?”

A few people were a bit affronted the first couple of times, but having talked to them now, it was more shock that I’d said no than upset at us being busy. And now it’s a lot easier. I wish I’d done it years ago. There’s nothing wrong with saying no. It’s not hurtful. It’s more hurtful to just endlessly pile things on yourself and your family because you don’t want to say no.

ThinWomansBrain · 02/01/2023 15:31

My mum doesn’t understand and she cancels short notice all the time

maybe she's feeling contact is a git too frequent as well?
even if it's not that, if she's only scheduled maybe once or twice a month, and no alternative other "that's a shame, see you next month" her behaviour might change?

ThinWomansBrain · 02/01/2023 15:32

"a bit" - not git 🙄

AreOttersJustWetCats · 02/01/2023 15:34

I agree with PP that you essentially just need to say no and limit the contact. It'll be hard, but that's your only option. What was the driver behind the house move? You appear to have moved closer to a load of family members that you don't actually want to see that much of? (And understandably so)

Merryoldgoat · 02/01/2023 15:34

@SunSparkle

’its not possible this week’
’why does it matter? I’ve got lots on’
’Well you can come but I won’t be here’

No one says shit like this to be because a) I keep toxic people out of my life and b) I have healthy boundaries.

Laiste · 02/01/2023 15:38

Pleasantly - No, we're having a bit of time to ourselves.

This is all you need to say OP. The ones who will argue will argue what ever excuse you say. Even if you said you and your DH were going up the north face of Everest that weekend they wouldn't like it.

Brace yourself for what you know is coming and just repeat - no, sorry, as i say, we just want that time to ourselves.

AreOttersJustWetCats · 02/01/2023 15:39

AreOttersJustWetCats · 02/01/2023 15:34

I agree with PP that you essentially just need to say no and limit the contact. It'll be hard, but that's your only option. What was the driver behind the house move? You appear to have moved closer to a load of family members that you don't actually want to see that much of? (And understandably so)

I mean it's understandable why you don't want to see them very much! The house move is much less understandable unless there's another reason you haven't said.

Original poster
SunSparkle · 02/01/2023 15:55

AreOttersJustWetCats · 02/01/2023 15:34

I agree with PP that you essentially just need to say no and limit the contact. It'll be hard, but that's your only option. What was the driver behind the house move? You appear to have moved closer to a load of family members that you don't actually want to see that much of? (And understandably so)

We moved Christmas 2019 so we could afford to buy a house we could work from home in and have children in. We couldn’t do that in london. I love the city we’re in now and was born here. I have old school friends in the surrounding areas.

at first it was fine. Then I got pregnant and had my daughter. First grandchild and just coming out of the darkest bit of covid, we suddenly became everyone’s focus. They didn’t visit this much til our daughter was born and now I just find it relentless particularly since I went back to work a year ago. It was do-able on mat leave as I had every week day to see mum friends and go to play groups and so on.

it’s just after a year of every spare day being used for them, I’ve realised something needs to change

you don’t know what living near family will be like til you’ve done it. Let’s just say it’s not what I thought it would be

OP posts:
Original poster
SunSparkle · 02/01/2023 16:26

ThinWomansBrain · 02/01/2023 15:31

My mum doesn’t understand and she cancels short notice all the time

maybe she's feeling contact is a git too frequent as well?
even if it's not that, if she's only scheduled maybe once or twice a month, and no alternative other "that's a shame, see you next month" her behaviour might change?

She cancels short notice for all sorts of reasons. She’s in pain, she’s too tired from work, she didn’t sleep well, my sister needs her for something, my sister is unwell. The reasons make sense with her health conditions but they are so short notice it’s really hard to try and arrange something else so I never feel like I’m getting the ‘benefit’ of the free time if that makes sense. And then she guilts me that she’s not seen my daughter and tries to get me to rearrange the following weekend where we’ve already got other people booked in and it’s all stressful.

OP posts: