to feel suffocated by family

[SunSparkle]

Hi

We moved back close to our family after over 15 years away. We also have a daughter who is almost two.

Every weekend is filled with various grandparents and my brother and sister coming to visit. It just feels relentless - like I never stop to breathe.

Each is tricky for various reasons. None of them really take my daughter out on her own (they want us there) but they want to see her all the time. They all live 30-45 mins away on average (apart from my dad).

My mum and I don't have a great relationship. She is a narcisist as a result of a terrible childhood, is very depressed, anxious and has a chronic pain condition (and limited mobility).

My in laws are OK but stuck in a marriage and life they hate and just leach the happiness out of you. My partner and them don't get on particularly well but seem to tolerate eachother. They make my partner very anxious and on edge when they visit. They work part-time but don't want to do weekday childcare or visits (totally fine with me - they offered to do childcare a few times and then pulled out when I explained how a nursery place works).

My dad is our best guest. He tends to come and stay the weekend as he lives further away (several hour drive) but he tends to want waiting on (meals, tea etc) like a guest though he has done an awful lot for us in terms of home improvement.

I feel awful because people don't have their parents anymore and would kill for this but with working full time in a full-on job, travelling to London every month/2 weeks, trying to juggle keeping a house tidy, keep my relationship alive, get some sleep and some downtime. Don't even mention a social life. I have no friends in my new city and my old friends I can barely keep up with. We never have time to spend with friends with kids and so those NCT friendships have dwindled.

I feel like I'm always busy, always in service. I have a phenomenal partner who more than does his fair share of parenting and cleaning. I do have more of the mental load though we talk regularly and swap responsibilities. I feel like something has to change this year but how do I have boundaries while also having my daughter have relationships with all the grandparents?

Even juggling them all they still only come round every 7-14 days and they want more. I just don't know how I can get more balance!

You need to make 2023 the year you put your mh first. Suggest dm meets you at a coffee place /soft play. Then no real loss if she is a no show. Sorry dd is busy if she wants to reschedule.. Invent party invites if need be.

Once your daughter is in school you will find lots of weekends are taken up with play dates and parties: in reception most people invite the whole class to parties so that’s about 30 weekend days taken up already. So you need to start reducing it now or you’ll have to reduce it much more in future!

one option is when they say they’ll pop round for an hour, enforce that - so after an hour you have plans to go out, get your coats on and usher them out the door. They need to get used to you meaning what you say.

This is a really simple but really effective idea. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of it before but you’re right it will mean we’re doing something nice regardless.

I would contact the friends that you want to see and get some dates in the diary now for 2023.
I would also suggest that if PIL want to see their son and your daughter that they can do this on a weekend when you are out socialising/catching up with friends.
If brother & sister want to see you/daughter, they do this at the same time as your mum or dad. Reduce the amount of weekends by seeing them all together.
Prioritise yourself more and make time for yourselves as a family.