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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Narc ex admitted to wanting to be a glorified cocklodger...

27 replies

hecameclean · 01/01/2023 16:13

Cannot get my head round the entitlement and arrogance! He has no home, No job atm as he's on long term sick leave.We were together 2.5 years.He got a little controlling, sneery, impatient and was asking to extend his stay every weekend.I have a busy home, school aged kids, full time job involving travel and I was honest from the beginning that I wouldnt be blending or moving anyone into my home when kids were living at home. He has his own kids that he sees eow.We finally broke up when he ignored me for days on end after a minor disagreement..he hated being pulled up on anything that didnt portray him in a superior light,. I had enough then. He moved in with family as he cant afford rent aswell as maintenace for his kids etc etc. I asked him over the holidays, when he messaged, if he had any house sorted for himself and he went nuts at me.Said that at least his family offered him a home and that it was mean that I hadnt. AIBU here ?

OP posts:
Original poster
hecameclean · 01/01/2023 16:40

Anyone, please? Was I being mean?I'm really beginning to doubt myself now.

OP posts:
Badgirlriri · 01/01/2023 16:41

Absolutely not! He needs to grow up and sort himself out.

TotteringByGenteely · 01/01/2023 16:43

You did the right thing. Cut all contact and don't let him weasel his way back into your life.

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 01/01/2023 16:43

YANBU! He’s a twat and you’re well rid.

IncompleteSenten · 01/01/2023 16:45

Of course not.
You are well rid of someone who was nasty to you and wanted to take advantage of you!

Stickytoff · 01/01/2023 16:47

People with those tendencies go absolutely berserk when normal people put even the most normal of boundaries in with them. In their own minds it is the privilege of others to serve their needs and they are absolutely affronted when others don’t understand that privilege.

Original poster
hecameclean · 01/01/2023 16:53

I was an absolute fool for him.Up to that point, I put him first before me I mean, in every way and he just sat back and lapped it all up. Then I just snapped and had enough.Saw the wood for the tress so to speak, so this turnaround is quite a shock for him.He would arrange to come to mine at 6pm and ring at 3pm to say he was on the way.When I questioned why he was coming so early he was almost affronted that the red carpet wouldnt be rolled out and ready whenever he deemed it suitable....The mere fact that I was busy was an inconvenience.When he was here, he satyed in bed for most of the day and didnt involve himself in family life, helping, engaging etc.. Lazy bastard too.

OP posts:
kingtamponthefurred · 01/01/2023 16:55

The only unreasonable thing you have done is to allow further contact from him after kicking him out.

Georgeskitchen · 01/01/2023 17:22

Absolutely not being unreasonable. Well done for not letting this useless cocklodging parasite get his feet any further under your table. You owe him Absolutely nothing so block him and move on x

jetadore · 01/01/2023 17:23

He sounds like a proper cunt and you’re asking if you’re being mean to him, are you ok OP?

OhBitchPeas · 01/01/2023 17:27

Gross.

What a massive turn off.

Jobless, homeless and nasty. Yuck.

Pineappleskies · 01/01/2023 17:32

Have you nothing better to do than text him and post threads about him?

If you're diagnosing someone as a narcissist then you really shouldn't be engaging with them. Move on.

ThePear · 01/01/2023 17:42

You accepted a homeless man in to your kids home? What safeguarding did you perform? It’s disturbing you think you could be being ‘mean’, are you doing work on raising your standards, self esteem etc.?
Leave the charity work to actual charities who receive compensation for their work.

Original poster
hecameclean · 01/01/2023 17:58

He was not homeless.He moved location and could not find nor afford rental property and over Christmas, has admitted that he expected me to allow him to move in. We were together 2.5 years so his expectation was that moving in would be the next step, depsite me saying that this would never be an option while my kids were young and at home with me.

OP posts:
MohairTortoise · 01/01/2023 17:59

YANBU.
This man does not care about you. He is not capable of caring about you. He literally doesn't have the capacity.
His idea of a relationship is based on what he can derive from it.
It is all transactional.
You have a home and a job. You can provide him with stability and attention. He will take as much as he can, even if that means you or your kids go without.
He probably resents your kids and believes he should be receiving the support they are getting.
This is not love, it is not a healthy equal relationship and it never will be.
Leave him in 2022 and move on without him, unless you like being used for what you can provide.

BackBeatTheWord · 01/01/2023 18:00

Sounds like good news OP. You now know without any doubt that you did the right thing by tossing that one back. He sounds angry and entitled and you don't want that for yourself or around your kids. Good for you for having the confidence and self respect to get rid of him.

ThePear · 01/01/2023 18:02

Sounds like he openly displayed shit behaviour, and should’ve been dumped long ago. Don’t accept such a low quality boyfriend again, there’s no need.

lamaze1 · 01/01/2023 18:04

Yanbu.

Original poster
hecameclean · 01/01/2023 18:07

He had me on a pedestal for about a year but the mask began to slip then.I think he was drunk when he sent that message in the middle of the night.He was insulting and nasty which was not like his character at all. He definitely resented the attention I gave my kids.In fact if he wasnt a grown man I would have said he was jealous of them as he became sneery and pass remarkable about my interactions with them.He almost regressed to a toddler like state when he didnt get his own way. But the entitlement and arrogance was off the charts!

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 01/01/2023 18:11

The only unreasonable thing you're doing is focussing on him instead of moving forward with your children, with him completely out of your life in every way.

There are dickheads at every turn, and they will dickhead as much as you let them.

Soothsayer1 · 01/01/2023 18:13

hecameclean · 01/01/2023 16:40

Anyone, please? Was I being mean?I'm really beginning to doubt myself now.

the fact that you doubt yourself suggests that you are still a little under his 'spell' (I mean no offence by that) please distance yourself and dont engage with him, any interaction at all feeds his ego and makes him feel important, starve his ego by gradually not responding & being very flat & boring until he drops off in search of another host from whom to drain life force

MohairTortoise · 01/01/2023 18:25

hecameclean · 01/01/2023 18:07

He had me on a pedestal for about a year but the mask began to slip then.I think he was drunk when he sent that message in the middle of the night.He was insulting and nasty which was not like his character at all. He definitely resented the attention I gave my kids.In fact if he wasnt a grown man I would have said he was jealous of them as he became sneery and pass remarkable about my interactions with them.He almost regressed to a toddler like state when he didnt get his own way. But the entitlement and arrogance was off the charts!

Absolutely typical narcissistic behaviour! The love bombing in the beginning, the sense of entitlement.
The love bombing is a manipulative exercise, it's not love.
The sense of entitlement is because he genuinely feels entitled to anything he wants from you and the resentment towards your children is mainly because he will see them as an obstacle to getting what he wants.

When you move on without him, look out for the hoovering. It will come. Be prepared!

gamerchick · 01/01/2023 18:27

He tried. He fucked it up by playing his hand too soon and disregarding what you laid out. Tough shit on him.

He'll find someone to leech off soon enough.

Soothsayer1 · 01/01/2023 18:33

he's not very bright is he😂

CantGetDecentNickname · 01/01/2023 18:34

From the opening OP "Said that at least his family offered him a home and that it was mean that I hadnt."
Amazing! Why should anyone offer him a home? As a grown adult, he should get his own place like everyone else. He is absolutely a leech. He ignored your comments about not moving anyone in while your DC were living at home as it didn't suit his needs and obviously thought that if he moved in, you'd just put up with it and wouldn't tell him to go. You're not mean, he just saw someone with their own place, doing well by themselves and thought he'd help himself.

You owe him nothing except to block his number and never interact with him again.