Always asking others for present "ideas"

[EndlessRain1]

I kind of get it for children - especially ones you don't make an effort to see know very well - who may have a particular interest etc, but otherwise these isn't the practice of asking others for "ideas" (i.e. asking them to choose) pretty annoying? It's difficult thinking of ideas for presents for people sure, but thats half the job, and I am finding it so irritating to be expected to carry the mental load of doing this particular part of present given for my entire family every time Christmas or a birthday comes around.

(My post is triggered by the annual texts from DH's family members 3 days before his birthday asking what they should get him. I struggle enough thinking of something to give him myself, don't put it on me to choose what you give him too)

@EndlessRain1 i believe I started a thread about this years ago (name changed) and got shot down … I completely 100% agree with you, it’s a bloody pain in the arse. My sister always asks what she can get DS every birthday and Xmas , she never bothers to see him (or me) and she gets the glory of getting the present and the best auntie label yet puts in zero effort!

The last year or so I’ve stopped it and said I don’t know, she’s got him generic stuff from the works which he doesn’t use or want , because I’m just so fed up with it. I like choosing presents for people and put a lot of thought and effort into getting something they like, I think it’s super lazy to ask for a list and puts the mental load onto someone else - get to actually know the person and you’d have an idea as to what they would like… rant over 🙂

It's more wifework. My in laws did this. I used to redirect them back to DH. They asked for the kids as well. Again, back to DH. He knows the kids just as much as me!

It might be a small thing. But it's indicative of a bigger problem where women have to take on a much bigger mental load, which is why I refuse to participate.

They got the message after a couple of years and now only message DH. As it should be!

I don't actually mind this although know what you mean. My DH is hard to buy for too. In my case they'll usually ask me if she would like <large oversized item for home or garden we don't have space for> I'll tell the person that while it's a nice idea we already have one/ don't need it/won't use it and really don't have space. They'll then reply saying they're sure DH will love it and buy it anyway. DH has now lost patience for it and immediately gives the item to charity and the family member will say they're shocked and hurt we rejected their gift. I'd love it if they just asked for ideas!

Maybe reply saying DH would love a voucher for a couple's spa day/date night etc so at least you can enjoy the gift together!

"Oh, just suprise him - but get a gift receipt, just in case"
Job done.

Completely agree - it's the thought that counts. So PUT SOME BLOODY THOUGHT INTO IT!!!!

Amazon gift lists work well. I get my children to put stuff on their list every time they say ‘I want’ then edit it down a few weeks before birthday or Christmas. Family don’t have to buy from there and children know they won’t get everything but at least they can see what they are into. My DH uses one too.

Couldn't agree more OP. My SIL does this to me and gets quite huffy if I don't provide a link to an exact item. I'm really bored of it.

That is annoying. You don't have to do it though. Don't allow them to put the monkey on your back.

'Oh I have no idea this year! It took me ages to think of something for me to give him.'

'He loves football as you know, and is trying to read more. Sorry I can't be more specific!'

'Oh he's so hard to buy for isn't he? Shall I tell him to text you some ideas?'

'Sorry MIL I am no help this year- the man seems to have everything. Gift card perhaps?'

Don't take on more than you already do, just push it back.

Why do you feel obligated to do something just because they asked?

This happens to me every year. I have my dc asking what to get for DH, my dad asking what to get dc, my sister asking what to get dc and me...then they all moan that I'm a grinch because I end up saying "Can we just not do presents?!" No wonder I'm a bloody grinch when it's me that has to do the legwork.

It even went as far as DH asking "have WE sorted anything for my dm for xmas?" about a week prior. I said "no I haven't, I know that's what you're asking but I sort everyone else, you can get hers".

You live with the guy and see him daily and you struggle. People dont like wasting money. Suggest they take him for a meal or if they share an interest tickets for something to do with that. Or they can send some food/ drink he likes. You dont have to overthink this.

I feel like this too, and it irritates me having to do all the thinking for other people. I don't like putting orders in for presents, it makes it transactional and lose all its charm.

If you don't know what to get someone, get them something generic. I'd rather have a voucher than an item I guessed would be well within budget and easy for them to get - I normally suggest 'smellies' because it covers every budget and can be picked up in the supermarket if necessary. I don't want smellies, but I'm too embarrassed to say 'I saw a bag I liked in White Stuff, it was £110, not sure how much you wanted to spend'.

yabu to get this worked up about it but yanbu to feel this isn't your job. why on earth isn't the birthday boy himself involved here?

my DH has a birthday that is close to Christmas. from about September onwards he doesn't buy himself anything that he might otherwise have just got (eg newly released books, films, games etc) but will put them on a wishlist. He makes sure the wishlist is long enough that there is plenty of choice. My only job is making sure that no two people chose the same thing. same thing happens with roles reversed when it's my birthday.

I have one sister who hates "choosing off a list" and phones for an "off list idea" so that she feels less boring, so we have taken to removing one item from the list and writing it on a postit note near the fridge so that it can be an inspired "off list suggestion"

especially this close to Christmas, any gift chosen without reference to a wishlist could be a duplicate of something already recently received. so many such gifts are totally wasted. they aren't being unreasonable to want to ensure they get something actually wanted.

We came to a similar conclusion in my family for a lot of the adult presents. Not all, but lots. Just no point.

Yes it’s annoying my db asks my dd what I want every Christmas and if she doesn’t know or reply he literally hounds her then me that she hasn’t replied this can be weeks before Christmas. The thing is if he actually bothered to see me throughout the year he’d see I’m actually easy to buy for pyjamas/ slippers/ candles I’d be happy with but he wants a specific item say if you said oh she likes autobiographies he’d want to know which one . No thought into the gift to me if you say exactly what you want I’d buy it myself.

YABU. It makes it far easier and means that people get things they actually want. Knowing somebody your whole life doesn't remotely mean that you know what they currently have or don't have, or what they'd like at the moment (unless you live with them).

For example, neither dh's parents nor my parents are anywhere near as well-placed as me to know what clothes, books, hobby equipment etc he already has, because that stuff is in our house, not theirs! However, he's in charge of his own wishlist, not me!

"I'm stuggling myself this year, why don't you ask DH if there's anything he would like?"

OP is this a reverse? I/we would far rather do this than receive some of the s* that we have received over the years and are still receiving from MIL. Clothes from an outlet village several sizes too small and no receipts. Old lady tat type ornaments for me (as my home is too bare and not enough clutter in it), or horrible overpowering old fashioned heavily fragranced toiletries when I have sensitive skin. Its better to get something you might actually want, need, use or enjoy than something to put in the charity bag, bin bag or store in a cupboard with all the other unwanted gifts we have received surely.

My in-laws do this too. But they want ideas for them, their siblings, DHs auntie etc. It's too much!
So I just tell them what I'm buying him so they don't buy the same.
I get more frustrated with being roped into the decision making process with them though.

Last year DH wanted walking boots so I told them and sent them the link he'd sent me.
They wanted to investigate further and research more and sent me about 6-7 links of different boots that they thought were better and telling me all about why they're better and different and asking my view on the colour or style etc.
Literally all while I was at work and then sent chaser texts as they wanted to buy them asap (4 days before his birthday). My colleague actually interrupted my meeting as my phone had been buzzing that much (all the texts and calls) that she thought something bad had happened.

I told DH who visibly cringed.

yup, hate it. No idea why his parents can’t contact DH themselves, I find it hard enough to think of things, never mind having to think for them too.
I also get the “can you ask DH if he can … / does DH know where I can get ..” - he has a phone, ask him yourself!!! We both work full time & I’m not his bloody secretary!

Hallelujah

This is my mantra around Christmas and birthday times

Just agree 'no presents for adults' .. so much easier, we do this in our family and it just takes the pressure off. I also hate wasting money on presents ... if you want to celebrate get together for a meal, theatre trip or whatever. Or if you have to have 'something' ask for gift vouchers.
I say this every year on Mumsnet- I manage a charity shop and we are inundated with unwanted presents after Christmas- great for us but such a waste of money, time and effort for the people who have bought the gifts.

We do no presents for adults on my side of the family and it's so much better. Have suggested in 3 years in a row to PILs but here we are. I just try to disengage from it as much as I can.

It is an absolute nonsense. Same with my sis who has just wanted money for her two for Christmas and birthdays from about age 8. So now we give hers money she sends ours the same amount of money except now she has started giving ours slightly less money and including crap chocolates and cheap and nasty toiletry gift sets each. It’s absolutely nonsensical.

I'm the complete opposite. DS likes to write a Christmas list and it works perfectly for us to get the more expensive item(s) and to dish out the rest to family when they ask. Then he gets things he will really appreciate. There's not even any point to me saying he likes 'this Lego theme' or whatever because he'll almost certainly get a duplicate.

I completely understand that others see this differently but in all honesty I'd much rather people ask me.

Adults is different...just ask the person directly if you can't think of anything.