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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

3 years trying & family

27 replies

Shyquiet · 31/12/2022 22:25

Just got enough. Total of three friends have announced their pregnancies via social media tonight.

Very happy for all our friends who got pregnant past year, but.. it’s hard. One of our friends was moaning about ‘infertility’ after three months of trying (second baby - she got pregnant first try on their first), and just announced their 2nd pregnancy today… including message how she understands how hard it’s for ‘trying’. Dont know can I face her.

We decided not to tell our friend group we are trying, our plan was just announce our pregnancy once we are expecting…

Been trying three years, no luck (posted to infertility section today). Still waiting ICB application to be put together by our local fertility department.

Family member told us during Xmas dinner last week we have been stupid to wait for NHS.

AIBU just to go outside at midnight and scream?

OP posts:
Knobknob · 31/12/2022 22:28

Yanbu op. It's shit. People will be along shortly to say yabu not to be happy for your family/friends but that'll be because they're arseholes.

Hope the next year brings you what you want. If I had the money I'd give it to you for IVF. Best of luck.

Now have a big drink and a big scream xx

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/12/2022 22:32

your feelings are always valid Op- you know logically your friends having children doesn’t change your chances of conceiving but it triggers you. It’s shit, be kind to yourself and scream all you need.

LillyLeaf · 31/12/2022 22:37

It's utterly shit. Infertility was the hardest thing I've been through and never really leaves you. We had IVF in the end (privately as nhs waiting list was huge). I really hope it works out for you. I stayed off social media which did help.

Undervaluedandsad · 31/12/2022 22:41

One of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. Used to dread every meeting, phone call and text from friends as I was sure it was yet another announcement. I struggled with my reactions each and every time.
IVF worked for us. Wishing you good luck in 2023.

BeardieWeirdie · 31/12/2022 22:49

I’m so sorry you’re struggling, it’s a horrible position to be in and the blissfully fertile people with their moronic comments do not help. I remember being asked at a baby group if I’d have a second and said I considered myself very lucky to have one baby, having tried for 4 years and miscarried along the way, and some loon said: “I kinda know what you mean. I got pregnant the second month of trying and I’d felt very sad that it hadn’t worked the first month.” Look after yourself and decline invites to all the baby showers/first birthday parties.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 31/12/2022 23:00

It's shit, it really is. I'll admit that after 3 years of trying I could not even bring myself to feel happy or excited for others when they announced their pregnancies.....all I felt was utter despair, and that's normal - you don't need to feel guilty about that.

Best advice I got was focus on us and our situation - for me this involved getting tests, staying away from FB, avoiding baby showers. I also joined fertility friends and tried to find ways to improve my mental health and physical health. We ended up having treatment and eventually got there (x2). Do what you need to do to keep sane!!

usedtolovenaps · 31/12/2022 23:05

I'm so sorry OP and wishing you all the best and hoping that you get your little baby ❤or better - babies 😊
Someone moaning about infertility after 3 months is incredibly stupid.

usedtolovenaps · 31/12/2022 23:07

BeardieWeirdie · 31/12/2022 22:49

I’m so sorry you’re struggling, it’s a horrible position to be in and the blissfully fertile people with their moronic comments do not help. I remember being asked at a baby group if I’d have a second and said I considered myself very lucky to have one baby, having tried for 4 years and miscarried along the way, and some loon said: “I kinda know what you mean. I got pregnant the second month of trying and I’d felt very sad that it hadn’t worked the first month.” Look after yourself and decline invites to all the baby showers/first birthday parties.

Jeezo... The audacity 😳😳

Everydaywheniwakeup · 31/12/2022 23:14

Totally get it. I admit that I became quite horrible after a couple of years and on one notable occasion told someone who "understood" because they'd got pregnant after trying for 6 months and I was heading into my 4th year to fuck off. It is very hard to remain positive and happy for others. Flowers

BabyOnBoard90 · 31/12/2022 23:15

YANBU.

Sadly most people can only empathise with situations they themselves have experienced. Most lack abstract reasoning so will be insensitive to your plight

CleoandRalf · 31/12/2022 23:16

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Notsureofname2 · 31/12/2022 23:19

Infertility is awful, eats you up inside. I went through a phase where everyone seemed to be announcing they were pregnant. I ended up not liking myself as thought I was horrible for wanting to have what they had and want their happiness (although I was happy for them, but totally hurting for myself inside). Didn’t help that hubby denied there was a problem for 3yrs before finally agreeing to ivf . Xx

BefuddledCakeBaker · 31/12/2022 23:20

It’s really shit. Christmas Day was hell too. I’m 4 years in. Go out and scream if you need to. Sending un-mumsnetty hugs and solidarity.

Tohaveandtohold · 31/12/2022 23:23

#We decided not to tell our friend group we are trying, our plan was just announce our pregnancy once we are expecting…

I’m sorry you’re going through this but I don’t think your friends might have been intentionally insensitive when they didn’t know you were trying.
I pray it works for you as well and just focus on looking after yourself and protecting your wellbeing in the new year

Knobknob · 31/12/2022 23:31

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Oh fuck off

dodgypodgy · 31/12/2022 23:32

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Wow. How massively unsympathetic. Did you mean to be so rude?

Sending huge hugs OP. We are going through secondary infertility right now (2.5 years TTC) and every time I see another pregnancy announcement I die a bit more inside as it's just not happening for us. I hope it happens for you xx

PipsBaby · 31/12/2022 23:34

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Christ, what a horrible person you are. Pathetic.

Chaiandchocolate · 31/12/2022 23:36

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What a despicable comment and person

GoT1904 · 31/12/2022 23:45

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Are you for fucking real?

Lotusflower16 · 31/12/2022 23:47

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It's the second time you have offended someone tonight. You are a sad little person.

I am so sorry OP. I can totally understand your struggle. Just go ahead and scream!

Beseen22 · 31/12/2022 23:58

Yep feeling this tonight. I have children now but have spent 5 full years out of the last 10 actively trying and had a miscarriage 3 months ago. Cba with NY or Christmas, have no hope for 2023 really, was supposed to be 6 months pregnant and I'm not and getting really fed up of seeing a baby scan at the top of every social media feed. It's Ok to take some time off social media and keep your circle small.
Also if you have someone you trust tell them. When you become it all of a sudden becomes ok about how hard it was for you and you discover that so many people around you have had a crap time. So we are holding on to all that pain for years and years. Whilst I'm pretty miserable tonight I have 2 good friends who know my story and are struggling themselves in different ways and it helps to know I'm not alone.

Original poster
Shyquiet · 06/03/2023 17:24

Apologies for late reply - saw that above comment in NYE, and due all social media updates took 1 month off in sm - really helped my mental well-being.

I tested positive end of Feb. So happy, first ever pregnancy but today end up in miscarriage. Still in A&E, waiting discharge after my last blood results have arrived/need to go pharmacy after this.
I have posted another miscarriage threads today but must say mumsnet has been helping so much today - reading people’s stories etc x

OP posts:
RainbowBrightside · 06/03/2023 18:05

So sorry that it ended in a mc. Sending hugs 💕 💕

BefuddledCakeBaker · 18/03/2023 19:09

Is anyone else dreading tomorrow? Made worse by the fact that we’ve got to visit the wider family - all of whom have children so DH and I are the odd ones out. Can’t wait! 🍷

Original poster
Shyquiet · 19/03/2023 09:49

@BefuddledCakeBaker - hope your days go ok. We are staying at home in our pyjamas, declined family visits. Physically feeling better after the mc, but not ready to face happy families (including my SIL - I’m quite sure my MIL has told her, even we said not to).

OP posts: