Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD cut contact with her father

35 replies

DarthvaderbuttoyouitsjustDarth · 31/12/2022 16:32

My Adult DD cut ties with her father. I don’t actually mind this as he left me and started a new life with someone else AND had more children which at the time destroyed me.

The thing is, he didn’t really do anything wrong to our DD. She spent time with him and new family and loved having siblings.

She had a spat with her SM when she was in her late 20s and because her DF didn’t back her up, she told him she didn’t want to see him anymore. This by default meant her teenage siblings too. I think she thought this wouldn’t happen but she hasn’t seen them or barely spoken to them in over 2 years.

DF my ex clearly isn’t going to chose his DD over his new family. DD is stubborn but I wonder how she would feel if her DF died or her relationship with siblings continues to deteriorate. It’s too late for SM - she doesn’t want my DD anywhere near her which makes things harder to patch up.

AIBU for worrying that my DD has made a mistake or should I just enjoy not having to hear about my ex and his family anymore?

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 31/12/2022 16:40

I think you're right to be worried.
It's different if she's had a good relationship with him and he's not treated her horribly.
Has anyone made any effort either side?

jimmyhill · 31/12/2022 17:02

She's an adult. Her choice who she speaks to, and the consequences she has to live with.

picklemewalnuts · 31/12/2022 17:05

Could you point out that he would be behaving badly if he didn't prioritise the welfare of the younger dependent children he has over his now independent adult DD? That he'd be repeating mistakes made in his past?

Mrsjayy · 31/12/2022 17:08

She is an adult and she can make her choices, perhaps everything wasn't great for her and this "thing" was her tipping point.

Dillydollydingdong · 31/12/2022 17:09

Not your circus. She's an adult. Stay out of it and stop worrying.

Alexandernevermind · 31/12/2022 17:11

I think its a pretty crap father who doesn't try to build bridges with his dd. He didn't have to choose between them. I would be worried about your dd feeling rejected, and how those feeling might affect future relationships.

Newjobformoremoney · 31/12/2022 17:16

OP this is not your problem to solve. Your daughter is an adult and if this is a mistake it’s her mistake to make.
I would love to hear the other side of the story. I do wonder if it wasn’t a once off thing.

Precipice · 31/12/2022 17:17

I wonder how she would feel if her DF died Well, she might regret it. But we all know our relatives will die eventually and if they're from an older generation than we are, we can assume it will be in our lifetime. This attitude is then often brought out as essentially an emotionally manipulative tactic to force engagement. DD might likewise regret making herself miserable for years with her DF while he's living.

You describe it as a 'spat', but it's possible that while DD liked her half-siblings, that she wasn't happy at DF and DSM's, that DSM made her miserable and DF consistently didn't do anything about this and never had her back. Eventually it got too much, DD had enough of such events cumulatively even if in themselves, in a happier dynamic, they wouldn't have been so bad, and, being an adult, no longer had to put herself in this situation. Unless we're about to be told that your DD habitually estranges herself from people previously close to her, we can assume that actually otherwise their relationship was not that good and it was some time coming.

You should provide a space for DD to talk it out, but you shouldn't pressure her to - what? Reach out to her father? You don't say anything about it, but it seems that he's making no effect to restore a relationship with her either.

MintJulia · 31/12/2022 17:17

I understand you being concerned, and if she asks your opinion, you could suggest they meet for a coffee on neutral territory.

But she's an adult and can make her own decisions.

Original poster
DarthvaderbuttoyouitsjustDarth · 31/12/2022 17:30

Indeed he has made very little effort since. It’s not him I’m concerned with - I have no time for him or his wife. I worry my DD will regret the estrangement from her siblings. The only contact she has from them is the odd text message. Admittedly I know she could try harder with them too but I dare not say that and am trying to stay out of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarthvaderbuttoyouitsjustDarth · 31/12/2022 17:33

I’m probably not articulating this very well in the interest of keeping it brief.

in a nutshell I just don’t want my DD to regret the choices she has made in her estrangement from her DF and his DC. At the same time I enjoy not hearing about them and feel a bit bad for that.

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 31/12/2022 17:36

Is there a wider context here? Eg was her step mother difficult to her, we’re things difficult during contact, was she always second fiddle to her siblings? If so then maybe cutting contact was right.

I understand you don’t want her to have regrets, but on the other hand do you want her to continue a relationship that is unhealthy/damaging.

I would encourage her to maintain links with her siblings and then leave it at that.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/12/2022 17:38

The thing is, OP, we all make choices we regret. If this has been going on for 2 years then either she doesn't regret it (having had time to think about it) or she's too stubborn to go back on it. If all she's had from them is the odd text it doesn't sound like they are making much effort, either.

Mrsjayy · 31/12/2022 17:45

DarthvaderbuttoyouitsjustDarth · 31/12/2022 17:30

Indeed he has made very little effort since. It’s not him I’m concerned with - I have no time for him or his wife. I worry my DD will regret the estrangement from her siblings. The only contact she has from them is the odd text message. Admittedly I know she could try harder with them too but I dare not say that and am trying to stay out of it.

I think the odd text message is better than nothing, she might regret stuff and that really is a shame but she has her own mind.

Original poster
DarthvaderbuttoyouitsjustDarth · 31/12/2022 21:38

You just want your kids even as adults to not make major life choices they live to regret.
I feel like she did act rashly and I know as her mother that she will regret it one day. She made something that was all about the SM into a feud with her DF and ultimately the SM got what she’d always wanted - my DD out of the picture. It’s sad. Makes for very awkward wider family gatherings too.

OP posts:
Reugny · 31/12/2022 21:44

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 31/12/2022 17:36

Is there a wider context here? Eg was her step mother difficult to her, we’re things difficult during contact, was she always second fiddle to her siblings? If so then maybe cutting contact was right.

I understand you don’t want her to have regrets, but on the other hand do you want her to continue a relationship that is unhealthy/damaging.

I would encourage her to maintain links with her siblings and then leave it at that.

She isn't her step-mother's child so will always be second to her own children.

She is her father's child and while sometimes especially, when she was not an adult, would be first his priorities over which child needs more from him will chop and change.

Reugny · 31/12/2022 21:48

Tell your DD that when you parents are all dead that the only people she will share a family history with are her siblings including her half-siblings.

Then leave her to do the right thing.

My mum told me this to help stop me arguing with all my siblings.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 31/12/2022 21:56

I’d support her as she’s made this decision as an adult
but gently encourage into some therapy to help process such a momentous decision

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 31/12/2022 22:23

Reugny · 31/12/2022 21:44

She isn't her step-mother's child so will always be second to her own children.

She is her father's child and while sometimes especially, when she was not an adult, would be first his priorities over which child needs more from him will chop and change.

Show quote history

I meant second fiddle to her siblings in terms of her father.

obviously parents should support whichever child needs it in whatever way needed. However some parents do have favourites or black sheep. I wondered if there was a wider context of her feeling she wasn’t treated well by her father or was scape goated etc.
Hard to know if she’s reasonable or not without knowing about how healthy her general relationship was with her father.

Original poster
DarthvaderbuttoyouitsjustDarth · 31/12/2022 22:47

As much as I hate to say it because he hurt me badly, my ex was always really good to our DD but he moved on and she wasn’t really comfortable with the situation. She was a pre teen when it all happened.
When she would stay with them, I think she found it too much to accept. I think if it were just her, DF and her siblings she would have still been speaking to them now. It was the SM and the fact DF took SM side. Personally I think it was something and nothing that SM got all upset about but the fact DF took SM side was what really went nuclear with DD.

OP posts:
hourbyhour101 · 31/12/2022 23:17

@DarthvaderbuttoyouitsjustDarth She made something that was all about the SM into a feud with her DF

So this is interesting. She started a fight with her father because her father didn't "pick her" and was focusing on sm for some reason, got ticked off started a fight with Dad and so went off in a strop for 2 years and you allowed it because it was better for your mental well-being.

You mention she could have coped if sm wasn't in the picture just dad and the kids ?

Have you thought that your daughter felt disloyal to you, by "accepting the situation" therefore went nuclear.

I say this as someone who's ex DH shagged around while I was pregnant with our second baby (after our first was born dtill) and went on to marry that women and that women be my Dd sm.

Guess what I like her, probably more than I do my ex. She's kind to my Dd and she wasn't married to me, he was. And Dd deserves a relationship with her dad free from guilt or loyalty binds that would only cause her damage in the future. Does it suck ?Sure. But I would walk over hot coal for my girl to make sure she doesn't pay for his mistakes.

It's not a pick me dance. It didn't need to be a pick me dance and I think you know you should have said that.

I'm sorry your ex was a shit and he left you, but he didn't leave your daughter. But if you were (understandably upset) and let your daughter blame the new sm. you have done a disservice to your daughter . Greatly. And you could help her fix this instead of choosing what's comfortable and preferred to you. For her.

He broke your marriage vows, if your daughters angry. She should be most angry at him. But it seems so very par of the course blame the women entirely. But these men aren't lured in by black magic.

At some point you just have to move on, which if you can't listen to info about them, shows me deep down you haven't.

The opposite of love isn't hate its indifference.

Fix this. And yes I know I'm going against the grain and MN ethos here and will be slaughtered but I said what I said.

hourbyhour101 · 31/12/2022 23:20

Personally I think it was something and nothing that SM got all upset about but the fact DF took SM side was what really went nuclear with DD.

Also I really loath to say this but in for a penny.

You might think it was nothing, but clearly your ex didn't, the sm didn't, and some of the family don't (since family gatherings are awkward) and actually your Dd didn't think it was nothing because she wouldn't have done it right ?

So unless you share more of what happened. It's doubtful really bloody doubtful it's nothing. And as I said I have been in a similar situation and was no angel myself.. but still

BabyOnBoard90 · 31/12/2022 23:26

YANBU.

if she's estranged from her siblings too then it sounds like she's a significant part of the problem

Thisisworsethananticpated · 31/12/2022 23:33

hourbyhour101

some major projecting there

tillytown · 31/12/2022 23:48

Your ex didn't have to side with his wife, he could have stayed out of it, by picking his wife over his child he told her she wasn't important. He could have continued to see his child, he could have continued to call/text and made sure the siblings all saw each other, he is the father, this was his responsibility, he hasn't done any of it because he doesn't want to. There is no way I'd be telling my child to try to make up with someone who clearly doesn't care about them.