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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP could spend more time with the kids during the holidays

27 replies

Beigewallpaper · 30/12/2022 22:56

3 school age kids and DP doesn't work during school holidays. I have standard 25 days annual leave and all bills are split so my job is needed to pay the bills.

I work from home most of the time but in a reasonably pressured role with back to back meetings and sometimes late evenings. During the school term I do school pickups and arrange work around kids as DP work is not flexible at all and the only holidays or absence allowed is during school holidays.

I am wfh between Xmas and New year (luckier than a lot of people I know but anyways still needed to do actual work). Obv it's the holidays but DP has spent the last 3 days playing games on his console all day and ignoring the kids and letting them watch TV/play games 24/7.

Youngest ds is 5 and gets hyper if he doesn't get outside or have things to keep him interested. 12 hours watching TV makes him bored, emotional and hyper which is how he's been today. Yesterday I took him to the playground during my break but didn't have the time today.

When the kids are hungry and want lunch they come into the office to ask for food instead of going to DP.
Today I told DD to ask DP for lunch and she came back to me saying he wasn't going to make it because he was too busy playing games!

If I take a day off and arrange an activity DP will join but he never arranges anything with the kids during the holidays off his own back. I get the kids breakfast in the morning and washed and ready for bed in the evening. Aibu to expect more from DP when I'm working?

Most of my 25 days leave is spent on family holidays or looking after the kids and I rarely take days off just because in case I need them for childcare or something else. I'm happy to spend time with the kids obviously and try to spend as much time as possible with them but when I'm working is it unreasonable to expect DP to do the basic daily feeding, watering and 1 hour exercise/fresh air if I can't?

OP posts:
Eleganz · 30/12/2022 22:59

Are they his children?

Mumsanetta · 30/12/2022 23:01

“Aibu to expect more from DP when I'm working?”

Well, what do you think? Are you genuinely asking or do you just want a rant?

Mulledwineandberries · 30/12/2022 23:03

He sounds like a lazy shit.

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 30/12/2022 23:06

That’s appalling behaviour on his part. Have you spoken to him about it?

Are they his children?

Shinyredbicycle · 30/12/2022 23:10

It doesn't really matter whether they're his biological children, does it?

He is in a parental role and neglecting them and causing more work for OP.

That's a crappy way to treat the other people he lives with.

EsmeeMerlin · 30/12/2022 23:11

God the amount of women that put up with this type of shit and actually have to ask if they should expect more is staggering. Yes of course your husband should be doing more, you already know that. Now you have to stop being a doormat and talk to him so he can change or dump his arse, because at the moment what is the point of him?

Original poster
Beigewallpaper · 30/12/2022 23:12

They are all his kids and he's really good with them if he's been told he has to do a or b at x time e.g. pickup from x club. The problem is he doesn't seem to think about the basics or plan activities to keep them engaged and active, it's always down to me.

Really asking to see if anyone else has found a solution or if I'm missing something that might get him more engaged.

OP posts:
Eleganz · 30/12/2022 23:12

Shinyredbicycle · 30/12/2022 23:10

It doesn't really matter whether they're his biological children, does it?

He is in a parental role and neglecting them and causing more work for OP.

That's a crappy way to treat the other people he lives with.

It does matter if they are biologically his because:

A) you have made an assumption that he has a parental role, that is not necessarily the case
B) there may be another parent that seems to not be being discussed in all this

Eleganz · 30/12/2022 23:14

OP as you have clarified they are his kids then he of course should be looking after the kids when his and they are off and you are working. They should not be disturbing you at work.

Sunnyjac · 30/12/2022 23:14

My DH is a teacher so has the school holidays too. He does the majority of the childcare for our three in that time. There is no excuse not to. He used to go for hikes or do other things he enjoyed whilst I was working when he was on holiday. Then we had kids and that was the end of that. If you’re a team then you pull together and that means he sorts the kids when you can’t. Sounds like you do all the giving and he does all the taking.

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 30/12/2022 23:16

I know a lot of female teachers with kids and every single one of them says the profession is killing them, but at least they can manage childcare over the holidays because they're off. Teaching doesn't fit round family life at all in term-time, but the holidays are the pay off.

Needless to say, I don't know any teacher/mother who behaves like your DP...

Sunnyjac · 30/12/2022 23:19

Really asking to see if anyone else has found a solution or if I'm missing
something that might get him more
engaged.

You shouldn’t have to do anything. He should just know that kids need occupying, feeding, entertaining etc. His holiday time is not his once there are kids in the mix. Time for a conversation

homeishere · 30/12/2022 23:19

Change the password to the router.

Original poster
Beigewallpaper · 30/12/2022 23:40

homeishere · 30/12/2022 23:19

Change the password to the router.

Great idea
The moans from all would be almost instant but would certainly get them away from the screens

OP posts:
drspouse · 30/12/2022 23:44

Go and work in a coffee shop.

Original poster
Beigewallpaper · 30/12/2022 23:47

Sunnyjac · 30/12/2022 23:14

My DH is a teacher so has the school holidays too. He does the majority of the childcare for our three in that time. There is no excuse not to. He used to go for hikes or do other things he enjoyed whilst I was working when he was on holiday. Then we had kids and that was the end of that. If you’re a team then you pull together and that means he sorts the kids when you can’t. Sounds like you do all the giving and he does all the taking.

Lovely to hear that you and your DH work as a team. One person taking over when the other can't is really important and I think I need to speak to DP about working towards a more balanced approach especially during the holidays.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beigewallpaper · 30/12/2022 23:58

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 30/12/2022 23:16

I know a lot of female teachers with kids and every single one of them says the profession is killing them, but at least they can manage childcare over the holidays because they're off. Teaching doesn't fit round family life at all in term-time, but the holidays are the pay off.

Needless to say, I don't know any teacher/mother who behaves like your DP...

It's sad that teaching takes such a toll on teachers and that's partly why I try not to put my foot down too much during the holidays. However I think I do need to have a word with DH to get him to engage the kids more during the holidays in the days I'm working. Term time restrictions are so rigid. Obviously I understand there's a reason timing and teacher to student ratio wise but it's really not parent friendly which is a shame. All the extra work needed outside of core working hours must also take its toll and agree that teachers really should be applauded for the work they do.

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 31/12/2022 00:03

Wow so he has professional knowledge of the level of crap parenting he is doing.

Raise your standards. I would be having a very frank conversation about the basic parenting standards he is expected to meet. The idea he would leave a child that young on screens all day and not even plan meeting child basic needs is disgusting.

Children need fresh air, exercise and interaction every day a few times a day it isn't rocket science.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/12/2022 00:22

What would he do at work if someone told him a parent was ignoring a 5 year old all day and was too busy playing games to get them food

I think you're being far too soft on him. Yes teaching is hard. That's why you do more than your share in term time. And yes he needs and your kids need some down time. But this level of disengagement is bordering on neglect

Sunnyjac · 31/12/2022 00:25

I certainly couldn’t teach, it takes its toll on DH but he recognises the benefit of being able to cover the holidays. We’re not perfect but this is one bit we’ve got right. I hope your DP listens to you and steps up

londonmummy1966 · 31/12/2022 00:33

Throw the games console in the bath, take your laptop to the library and next term make sure that when he is back from school you are "too busy" painting your toenails to look after DC in the evenings.....

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 31/12/2022 00:37

I'm a teacher and a single parent. He is appalling. Yes sure have the odd pj day when you're really knackered and food can be picky bits, stuff on toast but you have to parent. You just have to. It's not optional.

LongStoryShorty · 31/12/2022 00:44

My husband is like this if he’s watching the kids, also if they say they are hungry at lunch time he doesn’t look at the time and think oh I’ll give them lunch he would at best give them a snack/second breakfast (waffle, bread, cereal) or at worst some chocolate.

He doesn’t really even join us when we go somewhere, he’s always ill, exhausted, back pain… it’s hard for me to sympathise when he doesn’t go to doctors to look after his health or try to have a healthier work life balance, exercise or eat healthier. So at least if your husband joins happily when you do something it’s already a good step 👌

I think the only thing you can do is have a chat with him, write down the meal times and what they should have, tell them the amount of screen time they are allowed and say he has to at least go to the park for 1hr every day or arrange for his parents or someone else to come look after the kids if he needs downtime

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 31/12/2022 11:54

Oh come on @LongStoryShorty, he's not a 15 year old babysitter from down the road, he's an adult, professional, parent. He knows that children need food and exercise and supervision and care.

I totally agree with a pp - what would he do if a 5yo came into class and said his father had ignored him all day because he was playing games? I would actually use the words safeguarding concern around this.

And (kindly) you misinterpreted my post. I wasn't saying 'cut him slack cos teachings hard' I was saying 'teachings hard, (I'm sure your job is too by the way) but the whole point of that pain for many families is that the teacher gets to spend lots of time with their kids in the holidays. I don't know any female teachers who opt out of holiday childcare because their term-time work is hard.'

Wavingnotdrown1ng · 31/12/2022 12:28

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 31/12/2022 11:54

Oh come on @LongStoryShorty, he's not a 15 year old babysitter from down the road, he's an adult, professional, parent. He knows that children need food and exercise and supervision and care.

I totally agree with a pp - what would he do if a 5yo came into class and said his father had ignored him all day because he was playing games? I would actually use the words safeguarding concern around this.

And (kindly) you misinterpreted my post. I wasn't saying 'cut him slack cos teachings hard' I was saying 'teachings hard, (I'm sure your job is too by the way) but the whole point of that pain for many families is that the teacher gets to spend lots of time with their kids in the holidays. I don't know any female teachers who opt out of holiday childcare because their term-time work is hard.'

Absolutely agree- as a teacher I would raise a safeguarding concern if a young pupil told me that their parent wouldn’t make them a meal because they were gaming. He’s had a lot more time off than most people do at this time of year and he could do his gaming when the kids have gone to bed. I bet you have to pick up the slack a lot when he’s working at weekends and doing parents’ evenings. I bet you didn’t check-out of parenting responsibilities when you were off last week either or sit scrolling on here for days at a time when your children needed parenting. He’s behaving very selfishly and disrespectfully to you and your work -responsibilities, neglecting his own children and frankly, I wouldn’t want him as either a colleague or to teach my children with these attitudes.

I know dozens of teachers and they prioritise their children and partners when they are on holiday, especially because they miss out on a lot of parenting joys as they can’t get leave for sports days/ Christmas assemblies etc during term time. You and your children really deserve so much better from him.