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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DD what she can spend Xmas £ on

52 replies

Tiredo · 30/12/2022 11:28

Dd is 6, she was given £40 by family to spend for Christmas. We took her to a big toy shop with no agenda.

Her thing is fluffy toys (teddies, unicorns, TY that kind of thing).

First thing she saw was a TY toy (fluffy panda with big eyes), it was £6.99, it was high up so she asked if she could have it. DH spent 2 minutes persuading her she has enough of them and to buy something else, the discussion ended in tears (DD).

IMO I felt it was her money to spend on what she wanted, I felt it was almost controlling and even when she cried he still didn’t stop until I pulled him to one side and asked him to, I reminded him to pick his battles, that it was meant to be a fun part of Christmas for her and just because her interest isn’t his doesn’t mean it’s invalid and she should change.

He feels it was wasted money, there was lots of things in the shop she’d also like and he had her best interest at heart. He said he has his parenting ways and that they’re different from mine and I should respect that.

AIBU?

She did get the TY panda in the end, along with 2 other toys that she loves and is grateful.

OP posts:
CaptainMerica · 30/12/2022 12:13

If it was the first thing she saw when she walked into the shop, I would have suggested walking round to see if there was anything else, before getting it down. I would have come back to it if it was still the favourite though.

I encourage my DC to save some if there is nothing they really want, but if there is something they are really keen on then I would be happy for them to spend it. Mine actually have £40 to spend too, and the reason is that they didn't get presents from other family members, and got cash instead. So it would be a bit unfair to not let them have it.

Reugny · 30/12/2022 12:17

Mariposa26 · 30/12/2022 12:01

I am a saver personally but don’t understand why people are saying she should be told to save half? It is Christmas money, presumably given to her to buy presents with - not money she has earned….why can’t the child just enjoy the money?

Save half to spend in a few months when she wants something else.

Chattycathydoll · 30/12/2022 12:17

I was controlled on what I could spend my money on, and even now feel guilty buying stuff just because I want it- and also find it hard to get rid of things & declutter because I spent so much time justifying why I ‘needed’ the thing in the first place before I could buy it! I wish I had less anxiety about the whole thing. Learning the value of money is good, being ashamed of spending it on things that make You happy not so much.

WhatNoRaisins · 30/12/2022 12:21

What's the point in taking her to a shop with Christmas money if she's not allowed to decide how to spend it? What did your DH expect to happen?

Marblessolveeverything · 30/12/2022 12:56

Letting them choose is the gift. We always allowed them to choose. Christmas they tended to receive toy shop vouchers and cash for birthdays.

We brought in the savings part of the present at seven when they had their personal child friendly savings account.

So they would spend 2 thirds on choosing clothes, particular runners, toys etc and add a third for a big ticket item or holidays. They are teen and pre teen now and have a healthy attitude to money and brands.

RosesAndHellebores · 30/12/2022 13:00

£40 for a six year old here would have gone: £14 saved, £13 on something sensible - book, crafts, football gloves, etc., £13 on any shit they wanted.

ArtixLynx · 30/12/2022 13:07

i let my kids spend their money on whatever they want, within reason.. i give advice, remind them that if they spend £10 on the tat, than they might not have enough for the next big game that comes out..etc.

When in shops i let them pick out a couple of things, but then say, we'll do one sweep around the store in case there is something else you want more, and if not, we'll come back and get that thing off the shelf.

Your DH is being mean... and i dont' agree with the people telling you she should learn to save half or spend half on sensible stuff either.

ArtixLynx · 30/12/2022 13:09

THe person who gave it as a gift gave it so the child could buy something they wanted. If they wanted half saved, they'd give it you to put in a savings account.

Its not YOUR money to dictate where its spent, its the childs.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 30/12/2022 13:14

Arrtix... the people who give my DC money wouldn't have the first Idea of wherento put it into a savings account;

Them getting money is really good practice to save and spend.

My older dd was able to add to some b'day money a few years ago and get Herself a good laptop.

She benefits from that every day for gaming and school work.

She won't have got this had she not learned to save some and spend some.

It's good practice to get these foundations in early..

And what they want to spend they should have total freedom over that

GoldenCagedBird · 30/12/2022 13:14

If we were talking about a teen who received £400 of Xmas money and wanted to fritter it away on energy drinks for his friends and chicken wings after school- that would be a completely different story. I read the other day about a teen who was allowed to fritter his £500 birthday money away on shite and I can’t understand that. My Xmas/birthday money had to go on clothes I needed or a big purchase like an iPad so I had something to show for it- not just daily spends

but we aren’t talking about that. We are talking about a completely valid use of Xmas money

what does he expect her to get with 40 quid? Does he want her to stick it in an ISA or something?!

Todaynotalways · 30/12/2022 13:18

DD also got Christmas money. Of course there are toys and games I'd have preferred she got.

But we gad to accwpt its her money and if she chooses ro spend it on a tiny handbag (in pale pink velvet that'll be grotty in seconds), some (more) TY bag charms (she has a zillion) Claire's Accessories stick on earrings, that's fine.

I did steer her away from toys that she already has (and doesn't play with)... but in general, if she wants to spend it on flippery, and it makes her happy, it's her money.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/12/2022 13:19

So she got the panda in the end but the trip was spoiled anyway?
what a shame. Very badly handled, should have discussed beforehand.

Sidking · 30/12/2022 13:19

It's her money and should be spent on whatever she wants provided it's age appropriate

My boys (2&9) had a similar amount and got let loose in the entertainer the other day, eldest chose things I thought weren't the best use of his money but that's what he saw and fell in love with 🤷 typically now he's seen a £40 sonic toy he would like, so he's learning that it might be best to hold onto money for more than 5 minutes before deciding, but learning that via natural consequences rather than us being controlling around his choices

Elphame · 30/12/2022 13:21

I'm with you. I'd have let her buy the panda without comment.

Buying something and then discovering it's a waste of money and that money that's been spent is gone, is a valuable life lesson that she's old enough to start learning.

All your DP has done is take the joy out of the shopping trip.

NRCOA · 30/12/2022 13:25

My mother was (and still is!) like that and this post is making me cringe.

Your poor child. Tell your DH to stop being so controlling. It's HER money, HER gift and HER choice. Not his.

terriblepotato · 30/12/2022 13:34

He's being unreasonable. My dd is the same (albeit slightly older at 9) and loves soft toys. Not into the TY ones any more but she had loads of them!

Today she bought two identical Jellycat bunnies in different colours because she couldn't decide between them. I did gently try and persuade her to get one and something else but it's her Christmas money to spend how she wishes so it's up to her. She is THRILLED with both of them Grin

StickofVeg · 30/12/2022 13:51

Personally any money my DCs got they were ok to spend as they wanted. However, if DH is going to control what she spends it on then the conversation has to happen well before she gets near a shop! So if he is going to suggest she saves £10 and spends £30 for example then agree that beforehand, help her open a savings account that she can see her money in. But at least some needs to be for her to buy stuff she wants.

Sparklesocks · 30/12/2022 13:55

She’s 6, fluffy pandas are very much worth the money for a 6 year old! And as others have said, if she did regret the purchase then it’s a good way to start learning about not being stuff impulsively. I bought loads of shit as a kid with my bday/Xmas money which I later realised wasn’t worth it, but I loved it at the time and it helped me learn to manage money.

alfagirl73 · 30/12/2022 14:14

Surely the whole point of giving a child money at Christmas is so that they can go out and choose a gift that they will enjoy. Of course your 6 year old DD's tastes and interests are not going to be the same as a grown man, but to her, that panda was something that was going to bring her joy - that is her reality as a 6 year old! It doesn't require a meeting or a lecture on the value of the panda - she's a 6 year old kid who simply wants to enjoy spending her Christmas gift money on a soft toy. What a shocker!

It was only £6.99 out of £40. Yes kids should learn the value of money but it is also important to recognise - and this applies to other adults as well as children - that one person's 'tat' or 'waste of money' is not the same as another's. People have different interests, passions, and find value and joy in different things.

So the panda may end up discarded to the bottom of a toy box in a few months... or it may end up a cherished item. I still have a few soft toys from my childhood - they don't sit on my bed - but they are keepsakes - reminders of a happy time.

I hate when kids are out on what is supposed to be a fun trip and some adult sucks all the joy out of it. Not everything has to be so serious. I'm really glad she got the panda and I hope she enjoys her toys! She's 6 years old - there is plenty time for her to have to worry about more serious things in life.

UWhatNow · 30/12/2022 14:19

What’s with all the saving requirements? She’s 6 not getting a mortgage! Insisting a young child ‘saves’ a proportion of £40 is equally controlling.

nokidshere · 30/12/2022 14:21

IMO I felt it was her money to spend on what she wanted, I felt it was almost controlling and even when she cried he still didn’t stop until I pulled him to one side and asked him to, I reminded him to pick his battles, that it was meant to be a fun part of Christmas for her and just because her interest isn’t his doesn’t mean it’s invalid and she should change.

You should have had this conversation before going on the shopping trip and the upset could have been avoided.

Chattycathydoll · 30/12/2022 14:22

alfagirl73 · 30/12/2022 14:14

Surely the whole point of giving a child money at Christmas is so that they can go out and choose a gift that they will enjoy. Of course your 6 year old DD's tastes and interests are not going to be the same as a grown man, but to her, that panda was something that was going to bring her joy - that is her reality as a 6 year old! It doesn't require a meeting or a lecture on the value of the panda - she's a 6 year old kid who simply wants to enjoy spending her Christmas gift money on a soft toy. What a shocker!

It was only £6.99 out of £40. Yes kids should learn the value of money but it is also important to recognise - and this applies to other adults as well as children - that one person's 'tat' or 'waste of money' is not the same as another's. People have different interests, passions, and find value and joy in different things.

So the panda may end up discarded to the bottom of a toy box in a few months... or it may end up a cherished item. I still have a few soft toys from my childhood - they don't sit on my bed - but they are keepsakes - reminders of a happy time.

I hate when kids are out on what is supposed to be a fun trip and some adult sucks all the joy out of it. Not everything has to be so serious. I'm really glad she got the panda and I hope she enjoys her toys! She's 6 years old - there is plenty time for her to have to worry about more serious things in life.

this too- it’s a finite amount of time to be absolutely delighted by a £6 panda! You won’t be able to get that joy to expense ratio forever!

georgarina · 30/12/2022 14:30

If you give a 6 year old money to go toy shopping, you can't expect them to put the money in a lifetime ISA. They'll want toys and silly things. I think either give money with that in mind or give specific presents.

Tiredalwaystired · 30/12/2022 14:44

If you havent stipulated before shipping you can’t change the rules on arrival.

Although we found it a useful tip when the teddy mountain got too high that we put in a rule that it was buy one get rid of one. It stopped a LOT of teddy buying (didn’t enforce the rule of a teddy was gifted)

zingally · 30/12/2022 14:55

Your poor DD... I'm glad you stepped in.

My mum was similarly guilty of this type of thing when my sister and I were young. She'd "look after the money" for us in her bag, then police whatever we wanted to buy, "no, that's silly, you're not having that". And because she had physical hold of our money, and we were literal children, we couldn't do anything about it.
We eventually learnt to not even hand the money over to mum for safe-keeping, and started carrying our own little handbags and purses!