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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to move now? (And where should we move?)

26 replies

Moveor · 30/12/2022 09:23

DH and I don't like where we live. We haven't been happy here, although it is great on paper (good schools, safe and affluent). The problem for us is how busy and expensive it is here. The reason we have to be here is due to DH work.

DH asked years ago if he could work remotely so we could move and was told no by his work. He has been struggling a lot with his MH and he really wants to move. He is going to ask them again about working remotely and thinks he may be able to now due to how he worked during COVID and also due to a change of role he has had in the meantime.

The drawback for me is that I have just got a new job. It may even lead to teacher training which I would love to do. Also the kids are settled in school and love it there.

Would you move for a better quality of life? We've lived in Ireland and Scotland and various parts of England (moved around a lot when DH first started working after uni). We'd gladly love to either of those countries or another part of England (we are near London). Or is this better quality of life, more space yada yada all just make believe?

Yabu - don't move
Yanbu - move

OP posts:
Petronus · 30/12/2022 09:31

You’ve got a nice job and the kids are happy? I’m not sure I would, not just because it was busy. Maybe if I wanted to get on the housing ladder and couldn’t or lived somewhere with no garden and couldn’t afford one where I was etc. What if being somewhere quieter doesn’t fix dh’s mental health? Could you make more time for him to get into the countryside from where you live or move to the edge of town or a quieter area around where you are?

Original poster
Moveor · 30/12/2022 09:34

Thanks, I see the sense in that

We do own our house and will be mortgage free soon(ish) as we overpay on our mortgage. But it is very tiny with a very small garden and neighbours on top of us. To size up would be ££££ and another big mortgage.

OP posts:
FlamingJingleBells · 30/12/2022 09:34

I think there are two separate issues here that need resolving; your dog’s mental health & current location. The mh issues seem to be interlinked with location but it might not be. You could move and your dh might still suffer from the same issues. So moving might might not be the magic solution to the problem.

I would encourage your dh to attend some therapy sessions to deal with his mh issues. He might learn strategies and resilience techniques to help him improve his situation.

If he really wants to move then there are a few options:

  1. change jobs for a remote only or hybrid position so he has flexibility
  2. you could let your home through an agency & rent a house in another location for a year or so to see if you like it
  3. you can always return if the new location doesn’t work out because you haven’t sold your original house
FlamingJingleBells · 30/12/2022 09:35

Your dh’s mental health not your dogs! Blooming autocorrect!

SavoirFlair · 30/12/2022 09:35

Ah. The fabled “better quality of life”.

I will once again paraphrase the saying made immortal in Buckaroo Banzai…

“No matter where you go, there you are”.

Original poster
Moveor · 30/12/2022 09:35

He does have therapy and medication for anxiety I think I would also be happier away from here. At the moment, he's miserable and I can't believe we are stuck here for his work and that isn't making him happy iyswim?

OP posts:
SavoirFlair · 30/12/2022 09:36

Moveor · 30/12/2022 09:35

He does have therapy and medication for anxiety I think I would also be happier away from here. At the moment, he's miserable and I can't believe we are stuck here for his work and that isn't making him happy iyswim?

Yes. We see what you mean.

Original poster
Moveor · 30/12/2022 09:36

FlamingJingleBells · 30/12/2022 09:35

Your dh’s mental health not your dogs! Blooming autocorrect!

Ha! I got what you meant. Don't even have a dog

OP posts:
userh79 · 30/12/2022 09:41

How old are the kids? What is it you want that you aren't getting from this area? Sounds like you have a great set up, I don't understand what you don't have that you're looking for- bigger house?

Imgonnabeslim23 · 30/12/2022 09:41

My dad always thought it was a good idea to move when he felt unhappy so we moved a fair bit. In his later life he spent all his time in bed depressed.

Basically he needed to fix himself and not expect external circumstances to make him better.

If your DH is already having therapy it might not be the right type.

Original poster
Moveor · 30/12/2022 09:44

SavoirFlair · 30/12/2022 09:35

Ah. The fabled “better quality of life”.

I will once again paraphrase the saying made immortal in Buckaroo Banzai…

“No matter where you go, there you are”.

Yes thanks @SavoirFlair

But the thing is, we've lived in various places and only dislike this one. Also, you seem to just be trying to be smart and win an argument with me. I genuinely want advice not snappy comebacks, so please don't post again unless you want to be helpful.

The mortgage free thing is another catalyst for moving as we could possibly buy outright if we move. We could theoretically pay it all off fairly soon.

Another aspect of this is that we have family in Ireland where I am from originally, so if we moved there we would have more support from family. His are in England but not nearby so moving nearer to them may also be an option

OP posts:
Original poster
Moveor · 30/12/2022 09:48

Imgonnabeslim23 · 30/12/2022 09:41

My dad always thought it was a good idea to move when he felt unhappy so we moved a fair bit. In his later life he spent all his time in bed depressed.

Basically he needed to fix himself and not expect external circumstances to make him better.

If your DH is already having therapy it might not be the right type.

Completely different scenario. Neither of us likes this area. We are not from this area. We haven't moved once due to DH's mental health. I honestly shouldn't have mentioned it

OP posts:
userh79 · 30/12/2022 09:56

I do feel life is too short, and if you're that unhappy there, and the kids aren't a difficult age then it makes sense to pursue a different area. But I would be sure to analyse what it is you don't like about the area and that you aren't projecting all your life's problems onto it as the fix if that makes sense? It may not fix everything. We've moved around a fair bit, and I'm always of the view home is where the family are and we've made everything else work. That said, DH was pretty miserable when we lived in London, the hustle and bustle, traffic etc really did grind him down (he also hated his job there too mind).

Original poster
Moveor · 30/12/2022 10:02

I used to love London, but I'm over it. I miss the sense of community we had in other places.

Dcs are 5 and 8 and it really is only them being happy here which keeps us here.

OP posts:
Allsnotwell · 30/12/2022 10:02

How old are the children?
There ages and stage of schooling makes a difference.
It’s difficult - you could do teacher training anyway - regardless of location.

There are loads of nice places to live and it depends what type of people you are - I loved city life and now live in a quiet location - beautiful sea, country walks etc - and whilst the kids had a safe upbringing I think they missed out of family and city life.

What do you actually want to achieve?

Original poster
Moveor · 30/12/2022 10:05

I think moving country would hinder my chances of teacher training.... So Scotland or Ireland may make that harder.

I'd really love to move somewhere a bit more peaceful. I don't care about having a big house, but I would like more green space. Family nearby would be a big bonus

OP posts:
APurpleSquirrel · 30/12/2022 10:06

Where are your DHs family?

Original poster
Moveor · 30/12/2022 10:09

Another part of England. We could maybe move there, but he isn't overly keen to. It is also quite built up so not sure it would be our first choice of area. It would literally only be moving for the family

OP posts:
userh79 · 30/12/2022 10:09

If you're going to move you need to do it now, we moved ours when they were 10 and 7, (and a fair bit before they were 5) 7 year old was fine, but 10 year old did struggle more, we knew we wanted him settled prior to secondary school. Whilst they were happy the move was ultimately in their best interests; better schools, bigger home, from a very rural village to a town with more opportunity etc so I don't feel any guilt about moving them, but obviously that doesn't change that it's difficult for them to adjust to it.

Whilst the kids are happy, you and your DH deserve to be happy too, I'd think hard about what lifestyle you want as a family during their schooling years, what opportunities you want for them etc.

Exasperatednow · 30/12/2022 10:10

There are other good schools in other places. I lived in Londin and then moved to a village. It has pros and cons and is very villagey. But and a big but I love the space.

WarningToTheCurious · 30/12/2022 10:15

We moved when DC was in S1 - from Scotland to England, and lucked in with DC moving into Yr 7 in a great secondary school. Big change for all of us but it has been so worth it. We made a list of all the things we wanted and found we always came back to small cathedral cities.

I think it would be a good time to move your DC, easier to do it whilst they are in primary.

Slimjimtobe · 30/12/2022 10:18

Have you got a degree (honours) op ? if so you could train in Ireland with Hibernian (presume your Irish is good if you are a native)

APurpleSquirrel · 30/12/2022 10:19

As other PPs say, you need to work out what you want & don't want. What do you like/dislike about where you live now?
Do you still want certain amenities in walking distance or are you happy to drive?
Do your children do any activities or any you want the to do in future - are they available?
How rural is too rural? How built up is too built up?
I live on the edge of a small rural town in SW - we have a great life here, but there are compromises - we need to drive to most things including school; you need to be willing to travel to access to certain things like theatre/museums etc. Schools generally receive less funding than intercity & large town schools, & there is less diversity. You will likely have less choice in schools, activities, amenities but you do get better access to the countryside/seaside & there is much less pollution.
That's just a few - So it's give & take. Maybe sit down with your DH & talk about how you see your lives in the next few years.

Original poster
Moveor · 30/12/2022 10:39

Slimjimtobe · 30/12/2022 10:18

Have you got a degree (honours) op ? if so you could train in Ireland with Hibernian (presume your Irish is good if you are a native)

I have an honours degree in MFL but my Irish language is extremely poor! I could brush up on it though

OP posts:
HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 30/12/2022 11:01

I would go back to Ireland as it sounds like that's where your heart is, with the caveat of exploring ways to train as a teacher there.

I understand others points about quality of life but we moved from our place of birth in SE england to one of the other nations and are much, much happier. We went from a 2 bed house to 5 bed house with land, tighter community so my social life is much more vibrant, everything is cheaper and feels somewhat easier. So I do think it can be the place.

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