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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH spending his week off with his mates….

48 replies

Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 00:16

Both me and DH are off work until 3rd Jan. The last annual leave we took together was back in May, so I was really looking forward to this time together with our children.
Now… I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. DH thinks I am, because I never planned anything for us to do, so he doesn’t see any issue with the plans he made himself - none of which involve me and the children, and I wasn’t even told these plans until Boxing Day!

So, Boxing Day- spent with my family at ours, they came all day and left at 7pm. DH then announces he’s meeting friends down the pub for Boxing Day drinks.
He gets back at 1am, very drunk, sleeps in until midday the next day.

3pm- he’s off to play golf with one of his colleagues. Phoned me at 5pm to say they were going to go TGI’s… gets back at 11pm.

Wednesday- up at 9am and is off to the shooting range with some friends…. No contact all day. Comes in at 7pm annoyed I didn’t save him some dinner.

today- Thursday -
Off to meet one of his close friends 2 hours away. Came back at 10pm.

Tomorrow- off to his cousins house to do some boxing (has a gym / boxing ring)

So….Aibu to expect DH to spend at least some of this time off with me and the kids? Or is my lack of forward planning and actually telling him I wanted to spend time with him, the issue?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 00:18

Oh and to add: he definitely has done all of the things in my post. Photos and videos of all these activities are on social media.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 00:21

Another add sorry!- I am pregnant. But I’m not unwell or anything, can do everything as I normally would, except drinking obviously!

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 30/12/2022 00:22

What an amazing life he leads just like a single man !

Nevermind31 · 30/12/2022 00:23

get yo early and leave. His turn to have the kids

Orangepolentacake · 30/12/2022 00:24

Ew with the attitude and the taste in activities

Original poster
Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 00:26

catandcoffee · 30/12/2022 00:22

What an amazing life he leads just like a single man !

He says it’s no different to me spending 4 days away in Spain for my sisters hen weekend. But I don’t see it as the same at all, given I had about 6 months notice, DH agreed to take the 2 working days off, so we didn’t need to stress over childcare.
I don’t have any issues with him doing things with his friends, but an entire week off, without even thinking of me and the kids, I think is just a bit selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 00:30

He also said I have spent way more time on days and nights out, than he has. This year I’ve had the 4 nights away for mr sisters hen, 3 nights out for friends birthdays - all planned on advance, where I’m roughly gone 7pm- 1am.
Had a few Saturdays out shopping with my mum. And a spa weekend with a friend (I was pregnant for that.)
Together we’ve had a family holiday abroad in May.
We have had 4 date nights, that I’ve arranged.

OP posts:
Rosecottage888 · 30/12/2022 00:30

Fucking hell! No way, outrageous behaviour! We have plans with our friends individually but we've discussed them first.

When is YOUR time??

Fleabea · 30/12/2022 00:33

YANBU

It's fine that he wants to see his friends over the holidays and it's important for people to enjoy things separately from their partner but to be going out all day every day is excessive. If the children are home for the holidays then it's not fair to expect you to entertain them completely on your own, especially whilst pregnant. Has he bothered to check with you if you wanted to see your own friends during the holidays without the kids?

I would be pretty pissed off if I were you.

Trees6 · 30/12/2022 00:34

This is too much. He hasn’t spent a single day with the children and you.

That said, it sounds as if you get time to yourself too so he’s not a generally rubbish husband like Julia’s in Motherland. He’s been selfish on this occasion though.

Original poster
Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 00:36

Rosecottage888 · 30/12/2022 00:30

Fucking hell! No way, outrageous behaviour! We have plans with our friends individually but we've discussed them first.

When is YOUR time??

Cross posted with you, but I’ve posted the time I’ve had, which as he says is more than him, this week is completely justified. I’m trying to get it through to him that it’s not only the fact that he doesn’t want to spend any of his time off with us, but the issue I really have is that I wasn’t told any of this until Boxing Day. Also there is no reason why these activities with his mates can’t take place on a weekend, which would be spread out and feel fairer! Aside from a hen weekend and a spa weekend (which was a friends birthday) I’ve never had a week off and made plans behind DH’s back. Am I being a mug even standing for it?!

OP posts:
simplefree · 30/12/2022 00:41

How is the overall communication between you?
Time a part is healthy but why he didn't discuss this with you in advance? You both don't talk? Especially knowing you both would be on leave at the same period?

Original poster
Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 00:42

Trees6 · 30/12/2022 00:34

This is too much. He hasn’t spent a single day with the children and you.

That said, it sounds as if you get time to yourself too so he’s not a generally rubbish husband like Julia’s in Motherland. He’s been selfish on this occasion though.

yep, he has no issue with me going out, I don’t ask as such, but it’s always planned in advance. And if I was going out on a Saturday night for example, I wouldn’t then be going out on the Sunday as well! But he has some redeeming features 😬he is a good dad, he cleans, we are 50/50 with household chores, although I cook pretty much all the time as I enjoy it and he doesn’t!
No issues with money- it’s all very equal. Usually.

OP posts:
WineIsMyMainVice · 30/12/2022 00:44

He is taking the absolute piss!! To spring this on you on Boxing Day!! WTAF??!
I’d be booking myself a very long weekend away somewhere lovely very soon - and only tell him about it the day before!! 🤣

Original poster
Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 00:45

simplefree · 30/12/2022 00:41

How is the overall communication between you?
Time a part is healthy but why he didn't discuss this with you in advance? You both don't talk? Especially knowing you both would be on leave at the same period?

To be honest, no we didn’t discuss this week at all. I think I just assumed we would all chill at home, play some games together, get a takeaway, take the kids for a walk… but I didn’t voice this.

OP posts:
ReindeerBelieve · 30/12/2022 00:46

I'd be very sad that myself and his children weren't getting bc any of his time on his week off

Miss03852 · 30/12/2022 00:49

It’s like he’s deliberately avoiding you all, very mean

purpleboy · 30/12/2022 00:52

It's a complete pisstake. I would not want to be married to someone who showed such little regard for not just me but our children. To actively want to spend all his time off with his friends and not his family is so alien to me I just can't understand it.

billy1966 · 30/12/2022 01:02

Your poor children.

He clearly doesn't want to be around any of you if he can avoid it.

Not normal.

And you are pregnant?

I'd be rethinking that OP.

His behaviour is most certainly not that of a good husband and father.

He sounds extremely selfish and avoidant.

simplefree · 30/12/2022 01:07

Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 00:45

To be honest, no we didn’t discuss this week at all. I think I just assumed we would all chill at home, play some games together, get a takeaway, take the kids for a walk… but I didn’t voice this.

Show quote history

but do you usually discuss stuff, plans etc - I know you give him notice but does he usually telly his plans and other things going with him / his life? Is this an unusual thing - not the amount of days he s doing his own thing but him planning completely separately - not caring to inform or mention?

deeperthanallroses · 30/12/2022 01:07

Id be up out tomorrow morning at 7, message him saying oh something came
up with a friend, Usually I’d feel bad springing it on you with no notice but apparently that’s how we roll these days. By the way I would like to book in some family time with you and the kids, now that I know that’s far from the default expectation I thought it was. Remember your kids? Who are on holiday? They’d love to see their dad this week and for us all to do some nice stuff! Hard work for me alone too with being pregnant, would be nice to have a hand with the kids we share together.

and come back late. Go for a walk, see if any friends are around, plan dinner and find a 7/8pm movie session, you can always nap through it! He’s a selfish fucker. Maybe not always, but very much so this week.

Reindeersnooker · 30/12/2022 01:10

He doesn't come out for days out like an uncle. The status quo is he's home except if there is an agreement you're both happy with.

Original poster
Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 01:23

simplefree · 30/12/2022 01:07

but do you usually discuss stuff, plans etc - I know you give him notice but does he usually telly his plans and other things going with him / his life? Is this an unusual thing - not the amount of days he s doing his own thing but him planning completely separately - not caring to inform or mention?

Show quote history

Definitely unusual. He doesn’t usually do a lot outside of work and being at home. I’ve actually said a few times he should make some effort with his Friends- so an example is his friends from school. As a group, they go camping once a year for a few days, and they meet up on birthdays and other occasions- and DH rarely attends these meet ups. I suppose I can sort of see from his point of view, that I’ve encouraged him to do more out of the house, and now he’s done exactly that and I’m pissed off about it.
On a regular weekend, we ferry the DC to various activities. That can take up most of Saturday. We get a take away and chill when DC are in bed. Sundays we often visit family, or go out for lunch with the DC. A few weekends I plan in advance and we go away.
He never plans anything though, so if I don’t tell him what we are doing, we do nothing…

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 01:24

deeperthanallroses · 30/12/2022 01:07

Id be up out tomorrow morning at 7, message him saying oh something came
up with a friend, Usually I’d feel bad springing it on you with no notice but apparently that’s how we roll these days. By the way I would like to book in some family time with you and the kids, now that I know that’s far from the default expectation I thought it was. Remember your kids? Who are on holiday? They’d love to see their dad this week and for us all to do some nice stuff! Hard work for me alone too with being pregnant, would be nice to have a hand with the kids we share together.

and come back late. Go for a walk, see if any friends are around, plan dinner and find a 7/8pm movie session, you can always nap through it! He’s a selfish fucker. Maybe not always, but very much so this week.

This is actually tempting 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 01:30

It’s like I’ve only just realised that everything we do is planned by me. And he does ask me on weekends ‘so what are doing?’ He’s never actually arranged a date night or what we do with the children, hasn’t booked a meal. I even booked the holiday. He’s not really a decision maker. I swear I’m not bossy either, he just always asks me to choose things and plan.

This week has made me reflect on our set up- I feel like his secretary.

OP posts:
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