Page 2 | DH spending his week off with his mates….

Lilyhop · 2022-12-30T00:16:17+00:00

Both me and DH are off work until 3rd Jan. The last annual leave we took together was back in May, so I was really looking forward to this time together with our children. Now… I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. DH thinks I am, because I never planned anything for us to do, so he doesn’t see any issue with the plans he made himself - none of which involve me and the children, and I wasn’t even told these plans until Boxing Day! So, Boxing Day- spent with my family at ours, they came all day and left at 7pm. DH then announces he’s meeting friends down the pub for Boxing Day drinks. He gets back at 1am, very drunk, sleeps in until midday the next day. 3pm- he’s off to play golf with one of his colleagues. Phoned me at 5pm to say they were going to go TGI’s… gets back at 11pm. Wednesday- up at 9am and is off to the shooting range with some friends…. No contact all day. Comes in at 7pm annoyed I didn’t save him some dinner. today- Thursday - Off to meet one of his close friends 2 hours away. Came back at 10pm. Tomorrow- off to his cousins house to do some boxing (has a gym / boxing ring) So….Aibu to expect DH to spend at least some of this time off with me and the kids? Or is my lack of forward planning and actually telling him I wanted to spend time with him, the issue?

Hawkins001 · 30/12/2022 01:31

All the best op

Original poster

Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 01:32

He did actually choose the names of our children- that’s as far as his decision making goes. 😬

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converseandjeans · 30/12/2022 01:35

Why are you having another baby with him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Did he not take any time off in the 6 weeks hols? I find that quite sad.

It does sound like over the year you have had a similar amount of time with friends. But it was spread out. Also the way this was worded he has only had about 12 days annual leave.

Original poster

Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 01:39

converseandjeans · 30/12/2022 01:35

Why are you having another baby with him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Did he not take any time off in the 6 weeks hols? I find that quite sad.

It does sound like over the year you have had a similar amount of time with friends. But it was spread out. Also the way this was worded he has only had about 12 days annual leave.

He’s took annual leave at other times, one of those was to care for his mum for a week after she had an operation, then he’s took a day off here and there to come to sports days, nativity etc. I took 2 weeks off in the summer hols. I definitely think it’s healthy to do things outside of work and home… but I think he’s messed up with the way he’s done this. 😭

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Motelschmotel · 30/12/2022 01:46

The worst thing about this for me is that he’s choosing to spend all this time away from his DC. They must surely be asking for him?

What are you doing with them all day?

deeperthanallroses · 30/12/2022 01:52

At one point I told my husband any holidays booked this year would either be organised by him, properly organised (I gave him a list, flights, taxi, assessing location, accomodation, travel to decide on a location, assessing what we wanted in accom and finding it not just booking some crap) or if he didn’t step up I’d organise it, for me and the dc and he wasn’t invited. Turns out he loves going on well organised holidays, and all those ‘oh I don’t mind’ actually meant I do mind but want you to do it for me. So he stepped up. It’s a process though!

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 30/12/2022 01:55

If he wants to live the single lifestyle tell him to move out, he has children and he behaves like that.

PinkyFlamingo · 30/12/2022 02:04

And you're pregnant, good luck.

FlairBand · 30/12/2022 02:04

not excusing as HIBABU… but how old are the kids? From what you’ve said I’m guessing they’re very young which means team things too me. First that neither of you will find it easy to manage a whole week with them and secondly that it’s really not all that relaxing either. Young kids are hard work and it’s just not always that much fun.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to have some time away but it’s too much all at once and with no notice. What’s the general division of Labour / childcare etc like? It sounds like he’s either totally naive or harbouring a bit of resentment- or both.

FlairBand · 30/12/2022 02:05

*two things

aloris · 30/12/2022 02:05

List out all the dates and times you have been away and keep track of when you and he take time away from family to do your own thing. I hate when it comes to this, but when you have someone who justifies selfishness by counting what you did compared to what he did, then you need to keep track to make sure the count is accurate.

Spectre8 · 30/12/2022 02:27

So every week of the year other than this one he's been spending time with you and the kids. You've let him always plan stuff instead of putting firm boundaries in place and make him do the planning. So when you hadn't planned anything and there was no communication of anythinf he booked time in with friends and really the only issue is he told you late cos unlike you who does things in advance he might not..who knows.

But you assumed you would spend all week together but had no plans and didn't communicate that either.

So of course someone might jump at opportunity to see friends if asked esp if you've been encouraging him to meet up with his friends 🙄 it just so happens its all at once because as you said this is opportune time to meet up and he canr usually do that on weekends at other times. Rest of the year he has been there for you and the kids.

Gosh even in like give a guy a break. Can't tell someone go spend some times with your mates and when they can moan about it. Not like he ruined any plans ..there were no plans!

Summer2424 · 30/12/2022 02:38

@Lilyhop i would love it if my hubby went out with his mates like that! Like seriously i would love it, just go out please! I need space, i feel for me it's good to have that in a relationship.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/12/2022 02:44

If someone were that utterly disinterested in me, and so eager to spend time away, i wouldn't even bother bringing it up. I'd spend the evenings after the kids are in bed quietly making a plan for my future.

All those stupid lads activities would be a massive turnoff, too.

Original poster

Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 03:24

as a few people have asked. Our children are 14,12,9 and 3.
We’ve mostly just been chilling out at home. They’re all enjoying new gadgets and toys they had for Christmas.
Older 2 have been out on their bikes with their friends. I’ve took the younger 2 to the park. Yesterday I took all 4 out for lunch.

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Original poster

Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 04:33

Spectre8 · 30/12/2022 02:27

So every week of the year other than this one he's been spending time with you and the kids. You've let him always plan stuff instead of putting firm boundaries in place and make him do the planning. So when you hadn't planned anything and there was no communication of anythinf he booked time in with friends and really the only issue is he told you late cos unlike you who does things in advance he might not..who knows.

But you assumed you would spend all week together but had no plans and didn't communicate that either.

So of course someone might jump at opportunity to see friends if asked esp if you've been encouraging him to meet up with his friends 🙄 it just so happens its all at once because as you said this is opportune time to meet up and he canr usually do that on weekends at other times. Rest of the year he has been there for you and the kids.

Gosh even in like give a guy a break. Can't tell someone go spend some times with your mates and when they can moan about it. Not like he ruined any plans ..there were no plans!

Yes you’re quite right! This is my only issue, but considering we’ve been together 18 years, I shouldn’t really make this into a huge issue.

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Original poster

Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 04:38

Also I think what I thought we would do- chill out, play board games with the kids, go out for lunch etc etc was something I should have mentioned, and then if he told me his plans, we could have still fit in stuff around it. I still think of our children as being ‘little’ when really it’s only our 3 year old that is little. The other 3 have their own plans, older 2 (both boys) get on well and go out with mutual friends.
And I rarely know their plans- we had a nice lunch out together and then I’ve not really seen them much. They come back when they’re hungry 😬
Im suffering with insomnia in this pregnancy, so I’ve fretted over this all night… thanks to you all, I think the issue is just miscommunication.

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simplefree · 30/12/2022 09:48

Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 01:23

Definitely unusual. He doesn’t usually do a lot outside of work and being at home. I’ve actually said a few times he should make some effort with his Friends- so an example is his friends from school. As a group, they go camping once a year for a few days, and they meet up on birthdays and other occasions- and DH rarely attends these meet ups. I suppose I can sort of see from his point of view, that I’ve encouraged him to do more out of the house, and now he’s done exactly that and I’m pissed off about it.
On a regular weekend, we ferry the DC to various activities. That can take up most of Saturday. We get a take away and chill when DC are in bed. Sundays we often visit family, or go out for lunch with the DC. A few weekends I plan in advance and we go away.
He never plans anything though, so if I don’t tell him what we are doing, we do nothing…

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so who planned this time, him? his friends? a mix of both?

otherwise everything else in the marriage fine?

I would let go / observe
And once the timing is good - ask him for notice next time he is about to do the same

also see if he can plan stuff with the family as well

Spectre8 · 30/12/2022 11:11

Lilyhop · 30/12/2022 04:38

Also I think what I thought we would do- chill out, play board games with the kids, go out for lunch etc etc was something I should have mentioned, and then if he told me his plans, we could have still fit in stuff around it. I still think of our children as being ‘little’ when really it’s only our 3 year old that is little. The other 3 have their own plans, older 2 (both boys) get on well and go out with mutual friends.
And I rarely know their plans- we had a nice lunch out together and then I’ve not really seen them much. They come back when they’re hungry 😬
Im suffering with insomnia in this pregnancy, so I’ve fretted over this all night… thanks to you all, I think the issue is just miscommunication.

Well if you dodon'mind id your own teenagers behave that way i.e. don't tell you their plans half the time as you out it, its a bit odd to then expect dh to aswell.

Anyway you probably just having an off day which is fine but I certainly woukdnf be making a big deal about it. And if this has mad you feel the imbalance in planning is not right you can now address that instead

piedbeauty · 30/12/2022 11:12

What a selfish bastard.

saraclara · 30/12/2022 11:18

He’s took annual leave at other times, one of those was to care for his mum for a week after she had an operation, then he’s took a day off here and there to come to sports days, nativity etc

So yes far from being totally selfish then,.if he's used leave to care for his mum and attend his kids' events. A conversation about discussing things in advance seems to be called for, but he doesn't seem irredeemable.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 01/01/2023 06:06

He’s planned it all behind your back. Used the excuse of you not planning anything to cover it.
Hes also trying to turn it around on you by saying you have had more nights out etc.
he’s a selfish pig.

Delorestormborn · 01/01/2023 06:46

Sorry OP I really really dislike your OH.
Not sure what to say. I’d probably get up early one day and leave quietly, switch off my phone and let him experience what you’re experiencing.
If he wants to be single then suggest he just leaves.