To be able to eat what and when I like

[Climbles]

Staying at the in laws with DH DS and DD. My MIL will cook 3 meals a day. Generous portions and always lovely home cooked food.
She doesn’t like anyone else in the kitchen and stays there all day. She doesn’t get involved in any activities with the family. We have tried many many times to suggest takeout or simple food so she isn't in the kitchen all day but she genuinely wants/needs to cook and won’t allow anyone to help.
The problem is she constantly berates DH for eating too much. Saying not to snack, not to have another portion etc. She never says anything directly to me but generally talks about moderation and not snacking etc. I don’t overeat but do snack. I also don’t like to eat breakfast early but feel like I can just grab something later without it being a big deal and inviting comment.
AIBU to want to eat what I want when I want or should I fit in with how she runs her house while I’m here? It’s only a few days but it’s Christmas I want a cheese board or chocolates with guilt.

If there's cheese and chocolate in the house, presumably MIL has planned a time to eat them?

I think I side with MIL on this one. I do see how it's not your preference, but if she's doing all the planning and cooking then she gets to say when things are eaten in her house. Not how I'd do things personally, but as long as you're not hungry, it's her prerogative.

Generally when visiting someone I just go with the flow food wise and fit into whatever the host is offering. But then again, I think most hosts offer plenty of snacks and go out of their way to ensure no one is feeling hungry.

The fact that's it's your family and it's Christmas I'd say just eat the cheese!!

There is a huge pile of chocolates they have been given as gifts. We also brought loads which have been added to the pile. They don’t get opened. I could in theory just say ‘can I open these?’ But there would be lots of comments after.

I feel you OP. My MIL is exactly like this. No snacks ever, we are not allowed to open the fridge or any cupboards. The only food is what she provides and she’s a shit cook. Even making a cup of tea outside mealtimes invites questions/a quizzical look. Then the expectation that we present ourselves for every meal at a set time. Like you OP sometimes I don’t fancy breakfast and this is met with ??? Despite this, she’s a performative under-eater. We’ll all go out for a pizza, it’s a pizza restaurant, and she’ll ostentatiously order a salad

Worst of all, she makes horrible comments to my DH about being fat & a bottomless pit etc. She doesn’t say anything to me, wouldn’t dare, but you can feel the judgement from her if you eat something that she doesn’t approve of.

I now bring snacks to their house.

Oh and yes about bringing gifts and then never seeing them again! Chocolates, biscuits, even fancy marmalade, all gifted and never to be seen again. I somehow suspect they are thrown out after a while. I don’t expect people to open gifts necessarily, but we often stay 3-4 days so there’s always an opportunity!

I think your DH should take the box of chocolates from the pile, start eating, then go to the kitchen and make you both cups of tea or whatever you fancy. If you are not sure open the one you brought first, in case of quizzical look say: Well, we brought them for eating.

They do sound very similar! Thankfully she is a decent cook. She eats very little but is a tiny women (under 5 foot). But she makes a huge show out of how healthy everything is. She doesn’t put sugar in it or it’s the healthier version.
I also bring snacks but I’m not allowed to eat them without judgement.

He does sometimes then he (we) get a big lecture about how unhealthy it is etc etc
I should just ignore or put up with it but it’s bloody miserable. It’s odd as she’s obsessed with providing food for everyone but it’s just on her terms.

Hiding snacks in your luggage is the key!

My DM is the same. A tiny bird of a woman. Comments about being fat, like that’s worse than anything else regarding health.

Luggage snacks = a quiet life when at a “no snacking” house.

luggage snacks is a good idea but doesn’t feel as enjoyable if you can’t eat in it in front of die hard.

Don't stay there.

The obvious answer would be to bring your own snacks, but if she would even lecture/criticise you for eating your own food, no way would I be putting up with that.

Unless there's some huge drip feed that you/DH/kids are all morbidly obese and have issues with overeating, etc, but even then I'd question her methods.

@Climbles I keep the snacks in our room and have just head in there if I want something & eat it in there.

Like @EVHead my MIL regards being fat as the absolute worst thing. More than a health concern, for her it’s a moral failing.

She’s not short but is slender. Funny thing is my FIL, despite being force-fed eating mostly the same as her, has a bit of a belly! She’ll comment on that too. The chief reason she’s a shit cook is that she’s obsessed with trying to cook things ‘healthily’. Which seems to translate to ‘no flavour’, and boiling things to death, and very little sauce. I think if it was possible to get all your nutritional requirements, including calories, from a single daily pill, she’s definitely do it as long as there was a low calorie version

I’ve told DH I’m not going to be visiting as much in the future as I find the food situation too stressful. And if we had DC I’d be genuinely concerned about her modelling disordered eating.

Shorter visits is the key here.

I could cope with having my diet dictated to me for 24hrs, 36 at a push, but after that I'd likely snap.

If distance dictates a longer stay, can you go for day trips that involve a pub lunch ?

What's all this ? I just would not even GO if the host would treat me and family as if they are parading around with rules about eating or not eating, snacking or drinking.. Why on earth go at all. Stay at home and relax and eat what you want when you want.. Don't be lily livered. And explainWHY you are doing it too.

Luckily we are very low contact with MIL for a number of reasons but years before we learned this we went away for the weekend with them in a hotel. We woke up and they wanted to head straight into Liverpool where I expected that we'd go for breakfast. This was met with disdain by her. 'Oh, I don't need anything more than a coffee for breakfast'. I was young so I sucked it up and I think I secretly ate a croissant.

Lunchtime came around. No lunch plans were mentioned. We went somewhere for a drink and I ordered a pizza. 'I couldn't possibly eat a greasy pizza when we're eating out tonight'. I really wasn't fat and I wasn't used to being judged for eating three meals in a day. If I hadn't eaten breakfast and lunch I would have been an angry fainting mess.

I decided then to just ignore her. She was the one with the issues not me. She still comments on my eating now but I just tell her she's rude or ignore her. She's very slim but has literally nothing else going for her. I don't know if this behaviour is a generational thing but it's bloody weird.

Open the fucking chocolates. Life is too short.

as weird Inlaw behaviour goes, it's not that bad. I think I'd suck it up if that's the end of her weirdness.

@FlySwimmer Mine is exactly the same!! It’s infuriating. Commenting on everything, she was over the other day, can’t possibly eat one chocolate 2 hours before dinner as it’ll spoil her dinner. Constantly commenting on how much DH eats when it’s a normal portion. She doesn’t drink alcohol because ‘only fat people drink alcohol’

Once we went to hers, she was feeding four of us. She did a plate with 3 salad tomatoes sliced, 4 pieces of sliced bland ham, half a cob each and a bit of salad. And commenting on ‘how full’ she was after barely eating. Gets right on my tits.

OP I’d just raid the cheeseboard esp if you’re going home soon!! 🧀

Can’t you do what my DH does?

I bought some Terrys oranges quite a few years ago just as back up gifts, and put them in the fridge.

I couldn’t work out why the dog kept coming to the fridge everytime I opened it.

My DH had opened a Terrys chocolate orange, eaten it, but got one of the dogs tennis balls and wrapped it with the chocolate foil, put it back in the box, and then back in the fridge!

My father can be a bit like this - judgemental and very vocal about things he considers unhealthy. So I've started laying ground rules with him before I visit - no comments about my weight or what and when I choose to eat, none about how running is bad for the knees, no trash-talking my mum, etc. I've found being direct really works as since he does want me to visit he agrees to these things in advance and then sticks to it. Would your DH be willing to try something like this?

She sounds orthorexic. I have to remind my mum regularly, not to constantly comment on food, how much my kids have or haven't eaten, talk about food (to the most minute of details) and bang on about how far she's made one tiny joint go (she'd mumsnet the fuck out of a dwarf sized chicken).

@TheArtfulStodger mine definitely has some kind of undiagnosed eating disorder, likely orthorexia. It’s not just me, her entire extended family notices her disordered attitude to food, and agrees her ‘digestion issues’ are at least partially psychological.

I definitely think there is more to it than just not having the same standards around eating. She is obsessed with food. Her whole life revolves around shopping and cooking. She makes lovely meals, then makes people feel bad about eating it. She’s really upset her DD in the past about stuff she’s said. As well as criticising the easting she also comments about how much DH and FIL (and I) drink.

@Climbles Sounds like it. I often think the same of my MIL she constantly monitors everyone’s intake and dictates eating times and talks about food and weight all the time. Like a PP said, I wonder if it’s a generational thing? She’s in her 70’s.

I still laugh though when she’d bought a new top and put it on and said ‘look it’s a size 6, and it’s a bit big on me. A size 6. Did you hear me, I said it’s A SIZE 6!! She also did the exact same speech the next time I saw her.

I was just thinking today that I'd not noticed any threads about penis-portions and being underfed at Christmas by well-meaning (or otherwise) relatives.

I think you should ignore her totally. Go in the kitchen or the chocolate pile and eat what you want. In front of Die Hard. Wherever. Enjoy. What’s the worst that will happen? So what if she says things? Ignore her. If you can’t eat without guilt in the Christmas season, then when can you. Act like she didn’t even say anything 😂 just carry on!

If there’re chocolates in the house then you better believe I’m going to have some 😉 Basic chocolate protocol