To be able to eat what and when I like

[Climbles]

Staying at the in laws with DH DS and DD. My MIL will cook 3 meals a day. Generous portions and always lovely home cooked food.
She doesn’t like anyone else in the kitchen and stays there all day. She doesn’t get involved in any activities with the family. We have tried many many times to suggest takeout or simple food so she isn't in the kitchen all day but she genuinely wants/needs to cook and won’t allow anyone to help.
The problem is she constantly berates DH for eating too much. Saying not to snack, not to have another portion etc. She never says anything directly to me but generally talks about moderation and not snacking etc. I don’t overeat but do snack. I also don’t like to eat breakfast early but feel like I can just grab something later without it being a big deal and inviting comment.
AIBU to want to eat what I want when I want or should I fit in with how she runs her house while I’m here? It’s only a few days but it’s Christmas I want a cheese board or chocolates with guilt.

If your DH isn't wanting to address it with her directly, then I think you should eat the chocs and if/when she says something he should say "has anyone ever told you you have a weird attitude towards food?" and then carry right on.

This sounds like a classic eating disorder. People with eating disorders think about food ALL the time. It isn't as people might imagine about eating all the time, it is about denying oneself all the time. It is a control thing, similar to OCD-type disorders.

People with eating disorders will spend a completely disproportionate amount of time shopping for food, handling food, cooking food, reading about food and watching other people eat food as well as watching/comparing themselves eating food. They are in thrall to the thrill that denial brings. It is the only thing that they feel in control of and they cannot let it go.

They are living in their own world - it is often only when you spend some time with someone with a severe eating disorder that you begin to see how their whole life is blighted like this.

I have a close relative who comments on weight / what we eat etc so much that we have limited the amount we see them. I take your point that the op should just go and eat the cheese and chocolate but it isn't going to be an enjoyable experience if you are being watched with disdain. The best thing imho is not to be around these people too much at the times of year / whenever you want to eat what you want eg Christmas. Totally takes the fun out of it!

My close relative has am eating disordef and often tells me their weight, proudly, or what they eat in a day at that moment.

She was telling DH earlier is his issue is that he doesn’t keep track of what he eats. It’s mindless apparently. This totally fits with the idea that she probably tracks what she eats obsessively.
Im really glad I started this whiney thread now. I think the insight is making me feel less irritated by the whole thing.

Why does her opinion of you outweigh your right to have what you want?

Do Christmas somewhere else from now on?

Generally I think you follow house rules, but controlling and commenting on food is being a bad host.

If you have to go there bring your own extras but eat them when you want, and if you get an comments be quite sharp ‘I rather you didn’t comment on what I’m eating thanks’. Repeat every single time. She’ll probably stop. She sounds insecure rather than aggressive.

Oh she sounds like she an eating disorder then.

It doesn’t alter the fact you do need to push back, but at least you know where it’s coming from. If you want you could challenge some of her ideas eg that tracking is the only healthy way to eat.

No way would anybody be telling me I couldn't eat my own chocolates!

As long as you are still eating her meals then bloody snack away in between I say!

If she glares just glare back.

Maintain eye contact as you slowly lift each chocolate and pop it in your mouth. Bonus points if manage an "mmm" at the the same!

This haha!!! I agree, slowly eat the chocolates and say ummm delicious while looking her in the eyeballs.

Interesting

When I host I serve three generous meals a day. And would encourage people to have more rather than less at meals.

But I have to admit, it wouldn’t occur to me to serve snacks for adults, except maybe something with pre dinner drinks. Chocolates would generally come out after a meal not randomly in the day. If people brought their own snacks or went rummaging in the cupboards between meals, I’d be a little surprised.

Likewise when I stay somewhere, I would expect to eat when food is produced. Yes sometimes I might feel peckish between meals but it’s not the end of the world to wait till the next meal.

Ok in your case OP the MIL goes well beyond this and makes comments about eating too much which is a whole separate issue. But the not helping yourself to snacks between meals - that’s just normal manners IMO.

Food obsession, thinking about it, planning, spending all day cooking, monitoring what everyone eats, controlling what everyone eats - it sounds like she has an eating disorder.

I don't think you have to serve snacks per se but definitely accept people will have them. Even ignoring the time of year a solid diet would include some kind of snack mid morning or afternoon (eg fruit), especially as not everyone feels up to a generous breakfast at times.

Re your last sentence, I'd never help myself to snacks in someone elses home that's true (unless the host had definitely declared an open cupboard policy as my ex MiL had) but if I wanted one I'd ask and wouldn't expect it to be a huge deal unless food was about to be served.