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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want husband's friend in the house?

49 replies

adriatche · 29/12/2022 16:18

Name changed for this.

We have three boys and my husband's circle is more than questionable. His friends smoke weed (DH has always had a problem with weed and I strongly believe the people he hangs around with are a huge factor) and are a bad influence in general.

We had multiple arguments over this, but I don't want him to invite them inside the house.

He calls me controlling and thinks it's unfair as he's never refused any of my guests. But my friends are not into the same things and I don't fear my sons being around them.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Keyansier · 29/12/2022 16:47

If you think they will light up in the house or in the garden with your boys around (how old are they?) then YANBU. If you're just protesting on the grounds of what they do in their spare times then YABU and very controlling.

knowsmorethansnow · 29/12/2022 16:48

He's a grown man with children. He's choosing to do it, he isn't influenced. He's no better than his friends.

Keyansier · 29/12/2022 16:48

Just to add, but even then: Just because you think they might do it, until they actually do it and you have reason to refuse them into your home, then you are still being controlling over your DH friendships.

IncompleteSenten · 29/12/2022 16:49

Does your husband have no backbone? He can't say no to these friends? He is forced to participate?

Menomenon · 29/12/2022 16:50

Urgh, the whole scenario is bad parenting: from weed smoking, to not understanding the role of personal responsibility, to the rows.

VanillaSnap · 29/12/2022 16:51

Our house is pretty much open house for guests, but we both have a clear understanding that any of us can veto any of the other's friends no questions asked.

SausageGate · 29/12/2022 16:51

knowsmorethansnow · 29/12/2022 16:48

He's a grown man with children. He's choosing to do it, he isn't influenced. He's no better than his friends.

This.

You married him, you live with him, you had DCs with him. He’s no better than them so you can’t possibly think they’re that awful.

Coffeetree · 29/12/2022 16:54

He and his friends are birds of a feather.

Are you hoping that if he gets new friends, he'll have less of a problem with weed?

girlmom21 · 29/12/2022 16:55

He's the same as his friends so they're no worse than him and he's not better than them. Are they likely to come to your house under the influence?

shatteredmama · 29/12/2022 16:56

Why would you fear your sons being around them? Would they be trying to smoke weed in front of them? Or have they made lifestyle choices which concern you, or have certain traits for example?

If it was just the weed issue alone, and if they wouldn’t be smoking it around the kids, I have to say it wouldn’t really concern me.

There are other things which would concern me much more, for example history of violence, prison time, excessive swearing in front of kids

Shoxfordian · 29/12/2022 16:58

It sounds like you married a loser but then you knew this

Original poster
adriatche · 29/12/2022 16:59

They wouldn't be under the influence and wouldn't smoke at home. It's more so what kind of message we're giving the kids. And not wanting to be around rude and loud thugs tbh.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/12/2022 17:00

Why on earth did you marry this loser? It's mind boggling. You got exactly what you signed up for.

Original poster
adriatche · 29/12/2022 17:01

He has a kind heart. His weed problem is the main issue.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 29/12/2022 17:03

adriatche · 29/12/2022 16:59

They wouldn't be under the influence and wouldn't smoke at home. It's more so what kind of message we're giving the kids. And not wanting to be around rude and loud thugs tbh.

But isn't that exactly what their dad is?

shatteredmama · 29/12/2022 17:05

adriatche

Ah, well if you describe them as rude, loud thugs. I understand and wouldn’t want them in my home or influencing dc either. YANBU

Original poster
adriatche · 29/12/2022 17:05

girlmom21 · 29/12/2022 17:03

But isn't that exactly what their dad is?

Show quote history

They made him the way he is

OP posts:
Original poster
adriatche · 29/12/2022 17:06

shatteredmama · 29/12/2022 17:05

adriatche

Ah, well if you describe them as rude, loud thugs. I understand and wouldn’t want them in my home or influencing dc either. YANBU

Thank you

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/12/2022 17:07

adriatche · 29/12/2022 17:05

They made him the way he is

Show quote history

FFS, stop making absurd excuses for your husband's behaviour. He is exactly who he chooses to be, and your kids have the burden of having him for a father.

Shoxfordian · 29/12/2022 17:08

He’s an adult and he chooses to be friends with them, stop blaming them for his behaviour

EmergentThoughts · 29/12/2022 17:10

You think their father's friends would be a worse influence than their father somehow? They all sound the same!

JoyBeorge · 29/12/2022 17:10

adriatche · 29/12/2022 17:01

He has a kind heart. His weed problem is the main issue.

He has a kind heart? Well that's ok then..

HappyintheHills · 29/12/2022 17:11

They haven’t made him anything, he is as he is and was when you chose to marry him - did you really believe he would change?

SausageGate · 29/12/2022 17:11

adriatche · 29/12/2022 17:05

They made him the way he is

Show quote history

You should probably tell the police about the gun they keep pointing at his head 🙄

magma32 · 29/12/2022 17:13

Fgs are you telling me your Dh doesn’t have a mind of his own? There’s always someone else to blame for someone’s behaviour, I’m sure his mates were made that way by someone else too, who gives a shit.
Fact is your Dh is no better than them and you had kids with him knowing that fact. Now you’re making excuses and instead of addressing the issue with your Dh you’re scapegoating his friends.
No wonder he’s calling you controlling etc.
my dh’s friends are from many different backgrounds and cultures and experiences yet still have similar ethics and decency to him.
I’ve never been into thugs and druggies personally so it would be really odd if my Dh started hanging around with these type of people.
I certainly would blame my Dh and not the other ‘boys’ for influencing like he’s some stupid kid who can’t make his own mind up.
As they say you can tell a lot about a man from the company he keeps.
You’re deluded if you think it’s all his friends’ fault.