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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my mum not to FaceTime every single member of extended family when she comes over

45 replies

redtrucky · 29/12/2022 07:14

I see her about once a year because I don't like her. She probably knows this as she insisted she comes and stays the week next week even though I'm working and she sits around expecting to be waited on. I just couldn't seem to work a way without being extremely mean to stop her coming.

Last year she came and FaceTimed for about a couple of hours extended family who I never hear from and hardly know but she insisted we all had to say hi. It's weird and intrusive but worse my dc hate it because she forces them to sit with her while she shows them to the family. Extended family don't live in this country but often come to the U.K and have literally driven past our door before going back to their country without even saying they're in the U.K. so hardly people im close enough to ruin my bank holiday over imo.

My dc have said please don't let my mum round because all she does is make them speak to strangers, they actually want to spend time with my mum instead.
Aibu to say no FaceTiming with the dc when she gets here or should I just put my dc through the few hours of weird awkwardness again this year.

OP posts:
dontpickupthemob · 29/12/2022 07:16

Just tell her no she can't come and stay simile.

dontpickupthemob · 29/12/2022 07:16

Simple*

pepperminttaste · 29/12/2022 07:23

I am in a not dissimilar situation with my mum!

I have come to the conclusion that I need to just say a definite no to certain things. Easier said than done but when it comes to my children, I find it easier to do.

I have also recently adopted the phrase 'I'm going to stop you there because I don't like where this conversation is going'. And then I walk away. Doesn't do much for our relationship but it's already strained and I feel so much better about myself when she leaves.

Original poster
redtrucky · 29/12/2022 07:29

I have said no and no and no and we are away and we aren't here. We even said we were going away and she text and called every day and then said she knows we're not away. I am planning when she comes to ensure she understands next year is a big no because I am working all year she doesn't help at all but has high expectations that I treat her on birthdays and Christmas and says hurtful things if I do t get whatever she's asking for. When I say I'm finding things hard she says oh well I had more dc than you so stop moaning etc.

Dh says he will get rid of her for next year too so it's just this year!

OP posts:
watchfulwishes · 29/12/2022 07:32

Tell your children they do not have to Facetime, ever, with anyone unless they want to. They are allowed to walk away from the device into another room.

Stop inviting your mum if it is unpleasant when you do.

RC1234 · 29/12/2022 07:34

Can you say the wifi is broken for the weekend? She might not have enough mobile data for all the calls then.

LynetteScavo · 29/12/2022 08:01

Tell your children to refuse to go on the FaceTime call. Tell
Your mother firmly that your children will not be going in a FaceTime call. I would suck it up and smile and wave at the relative and then quickly walk off, but close the door behind me and leave my DM to it.

My DM tries the same thing, and I find it so cringe. I would probably rather have a tantrum than chat with relatives I wasn't expecting to on FT, and so when I say NO firmly my mother gives up.

Original poster
redtrucky · 29/12/2022 08:02

@RC1234 that is a good idea actually! Thanks @watchfulwishes I will remind dc but she is very heavy on the pressure

OP posts:
Weepachu · 29/12/2022 08:07

She’s not English, is she?
I’m pretty sure she was on my maternity ward for 5 days 😂

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 29/12/2022 08:09

So you said "no" repeatedly, and she ignored you and told you she was coming to visit anyway, and she's planning to stay for a week?!
how far away does she live? and how will she travel?
what happens if she arrives at your house and none of you are at home? (you told her you were going out/ away, didn't you?)
can you try ignoring the doorbell?

Original poster
redtrucky · 29/12/2022 08:44

She is English. She is very controlling won't let things go. I visited her a couple of months ago in anticipation of avoiding this seasonal visit but despite our efforts of trying to balance No and being polite she's coming. Me and dh are getting a plan together foe when she comes to ensure that she is fully aware we are doing the Christmas season alone next year and will also be in touch with my siblings who are equally eager to palm her off onto us,

I do feel bad but we seem to end up with her every year because everyone else stays quiet and I'm probably the biggest pushover and she knows it, dh says he will sort her out next year as she really is difficult. I dont have any problems in life being assertive but usually after the second no it's not happening people back off. She seems to get worse when I tell her no. Almost like it's unacceptable I won't have her. I'm so tired from work and need a break and I know I'm not going to get one now.

We also asked if she would like to go out for the day but she says she's too old to be walking around (she's in her 50's fgs) which also means putting the heating on all day blah blah. Very annoying and expensive. She lives an hour away but also stalks out whereabouts through bullying my siblings as well. Every single time I text them saying I might go away etc she texts me straight away that day. I think maybe she's got something wrong with her as she's always been this way so I try not to be too mean but it's so so tiring. And I honestly don't like her. She's pretty mean to me it's like a bully turning up. I don't like how she treats me and dh in front of my dc either.

OP posts:
ThePoetsWife · 29/12/2022 08:54

Just ignore the door when she arrives.

AlisonDonut · 29/12/2022 08:54

You said no because you were working, so be out working when she arrives and get your DH to take the kids away for the day. If there is no audience she will probably go home?

Munches · 29/12/2022 09:00

ThePoetsWife · 29/12/2022 08:54

Just ignore the door when she arrives.

I would too

Weepachu · 29/12/2022 09:04

She sounds very unsavoury. I never normally advocate going no contact but if she is bullying you then you’ve every right. Or at least very low contact. You don’t have to put up with this treatment. Let your siblings carry the can for a bit.

Original poster
redtrucky · 29/12/2022 09:12

@AlisonDonut it's almost like having a toddler acting very spoilt. If I work she will make even more of en effort to invade my space and act up. She pretends she comes to see the dc but then she spends most of her time winding me and dh up. I am already fairly lc.
She's now texting saying what exactly did I want to do in the day because it will all depend on how she feels when she arrives. It's just control. She has to be in control. We can't simply ask to go out for the day as she hasn't made that decision.

If I say I'm working she hovers around and likes to remind me that I wouldn't even have a 'great job' if she hadn't been such a superb mother. Outside the fact I left school with nothing and went to evening college to catch up because she laughed when I said I wanted to go to university.

She also tells me how lucky I am to have a dh who 'slaves away for his family' and still makes her a tea. He works less hours than me. I'm actually starting to think the garden shed is looking roomy as I type this. I don't really talk about it. Too embarrassing IRL

OP posts:
Lochroy · 29/12/2022 09:15

She sounds like a nightmare. I have my own problems with my family so I know it's easier said than done, but when I read this, I do wonder why we try and have any sort of relationships which such cloudy difficult people.

SolitudeNotLoneliness · 29/12/2022 09:15

Just message her and say the visit is cancelled, she isn't welcome.

Jedsnewstar · 29/12/2022 09:21

Mum I am working you cannot come to stay.

whatever your mum says in response

The answer is no. I am not explaining myself further it is no.

guilt trip response

Still no

LizzieSiddal · 29/12/2022 09:21

She sounds absolutely awful, I really feel for you.
Tell her you’ve all come down with Nora Virus/Covid or whatever you fancy. Life is too short to put up with a person who treats you like this!

FannyFifer · 29/12/2022 09:31

Just say that she can't come, why on earth are you both putting up with this?
Phone her, don't make any excuse, just say, you are unable to stay as it doesn't suit us.

AlisonDonut · 29/12/2022 09:40

redtrucky · 29/12/2022 09:12

@AlisonDonut it's almost like having a toddler acting very spoilt. If I work she will make even more of en effort to invade my space and act up. She pretends she comes to see the dc but then she spends most of her time winding me and dh up. I am already fairly lc.
She's now texting saying what exactly did I want to do in the day because it will all depend on how she feels when she arrives. It's just control. She has to be in control. We can't simply ask to go out for the day as she hasn't made that decision.

If I say I'm working she hovers around and likes to remind me that I wouldn't even have a 'great job' if she hadn't been such a superb mother. Outside the fact I left school with nothing and went to evening college to catch up because she laughed when I said I wanted to go to university.

She also tells me how lucky I am to have a dh who 'slaves away for his family' and still makes her a tea. He works less hours than me. I'm actually starting to think the garden shed is looking roomy as I type this. I don't really talk about it. Too embarrassing IRL

Respond with 'I'm going to be working and DH will be taking the kids to activities which is why I said not to stay so I won't be doing anything except working, eating and sleeping.'

Lenald · 29/12/2022 09:42

I don’t think it’s the bridge to die over if it’s once a year. Give her 5 minutes with DC then call DC away.

ThePoetsWife · 29/12/2022 09:43

Just stop replying to her texts. Google the grey rock technique.

RedHelenB · 29/12/2022 09:45

Is it that big a deal once a year?