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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my mum not to FaceTime every single member of extended family when she comes over

45 replies

redtrucky · 29/12/2022 07:14

I see her about once a year because I don't like her. She probably knows this as she insisted she comes and stays the week next week even though I'm working and she sits around expecting to be waited on. I just couldn't seem to work a way without being extremely mean to stop her coming.

Last year she came and FaceTimed for about a couple of hours extended family who I never hear from and hardly know but she insisted we all had to say hi. It's weird and intrusive but worse my dc hate it because she forces them to sit with her while she shows them to the family. Extended family don't live in this country but often come to the U.K and have literally driven past our door before going back to their country without even saying they're in the U.K. so hardly people im close enough to ruin my bank holiday over imo.

My dc have said please don't let my mum round because all she does is make them speak to strangers, they actually want to spend time with my mum instead.
Aibu to say no FaceTiming with the dc when she gets here or should I just put my dc through the few hours of weird awkwardness again this year.

OP posts:

maslinpan · 29/12/2022 09:50

She lives an hour away? Great, it's worth prepaying a taxi for her and sending her on her way. And block her quality n everything for at least a week.

PollyPeePants · 29/12/2022 10:01

She only lives an hour away and stays for the week. Nooooooo. Maybe you could get her to leave after a couple of days? Because work? Accommodate her day one and then start being a bit harder about her needing to go because of work.
No to FaceTimes involving the kids.
No to the heating on all day.
No to her controlling everything.
Pick her up on it every time she says something out of order.
Be 'difficult' and she wont want to stay a week when she lives so close.

BeenThereWithThis · 29/12/2022 10:03

Why are you putting up with this ? Message her and say unfortunately you are cancelling the trip.

Personally I'd go no contact with her.

Poppyblush · 29/12/2022 10:06

Why on earth are you doing this? Just pretend to be ill. she doesn’t give two hoots about your kids so why inflict this on you all?

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 29/12/2022 10:07

Set up MAC address filtering on your router but don't add her device(s) or the device she's going to use to facetime. When she puts the password in to login to the WiFi, it'll accept the password, but won't connect. Tell her that her/the device is obviously broken...

Alternatively, book a couple of nights in the nearest Premier Inn or Travelodge. When she turns up, tell her you said you'd be away, and you ARE away. Eventually she'll have to go back home.

paintitallover · 29/12/2022 10:11

Actually go away next year.

CoffeandTiaMaria · 29/12/2022 10:13

I’d tell her it’s not convenient, you cannot have her this year and why doesn’t she go and stay with x (anyone? Sibling?) this year for a lovely change?
You need to be completely blunt, then block her.
If she’s so persistent turns up then simply tell her that it’s not convenient, you will be in touch sometime.
Easier said than done, I know!

Theeaglesoared · 29/12/2022 10:21

She sounds ghastly. I'd say I've had a bit of a mental health crisis over christmas (sound embarrassed when you say this) and I'm not up to hosting anyone for the foreseeable. So sorry etc, etc

Inkpotlover · 29/12/2022 10:28

Tell her you've all tested positive for Covid this morning and she can't come now as you feel rotten and are isolating. Screenshot positive tests from Google and send them to her and your siblings so they can't undermine you.

Then next year get your DH to tell her in no uncertain terms she's not welcome. If she kicks off, block her. She doesn't sound like a nice mum, she sounds like a horrible bully.

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2022 10:36

Why does she stay if she only lives an hour away? Does she drive to you? I’d just tell her you have other people staying so there’s no room at the inn.

Squirrelblanket · 29/12/2022 10:38

Not my mum but my husband's family love video calls. I honestly find it really weird. Why do you need to see my face?! I usually say hello briefly and then remember something that I urgently need to do in another room.

Bigbadfish · 29/12/2022 10:41

You're acting like a helpless bystander instead of an adult with actual control.

You are allowing this to happen. You can't play the victim in a scenario you've created.

stillbewildered · 29/12/2022 10:43

We had a similar situation but with a
Camera shoved in our childrens faces, they do not like it and neither do we,
knowing this is to record gc opening crappy presents so she can show her friends
what a great gp she is, albeit on her yearly fraught visit.

We said, yes come and visit but no camera, gave reasons.
So, put out, she didn’t come.

There was absolutely no goodwill, from her, only totally selfish behaviour,
as in your situation redtrucky, just say NO!
It is so liberating !

Original poster

redtrucky · 29/12/2022 10:55

I don't think I'm acting the victim I honestly don't know how to stop it other than maybe slamming the door in her face.

I don't know why she needs to stay and she says she'll stay one night then stays and stays. If we say we're going out or working she says yes you carry on then. We managed to push her back and not have her for Christmas after my sister took her on. But then she's invited herself for new years. It's not a simple case of saying no we've said no several times. She's acting as if we haven't said no.

She knows we don't want her there or at least I'm not sure how she doesn't know. We hardly see her but she's taking this almost like a challenge to ensure she's seen. If we even hint she's not coming she rings several times a day. Texts all the time. We have cut back to replying about once a week and ignoring all calls. But once she's seen us it settles down. Yes we are giving her what we want but we don't know how without being nasty to get rid of her and also we are a bit scared of what she'll do if we outright cut her off.

OP posts:

Toomanysleepycats · 29/12/2022 10:55

I don’t know if this is helpful.

But we mostly try and hold back on saying the truth and not losing our temper in a situation like yours.

What would be the very worst outcome if you just let rip? You say you don’t like her. Would an out and out argument with her achieve what you want? During the visit when she’s grinding your gears, rather than trying to control your emotions, let your emotions take control.

I know it’s not easy defying a parent, we are conditioned from birth to defer to their authority.

It seems you have nothing to lose. If she goes NC or LC with you, won’t that be a win for you?

The alternative if you want to your DC to have contact with their GM, is that she might then respect your house rules when she visits.

crackofdoom · 29/12/2022 11:02

I'll never forget my dad opening up my laptop and installing Skype on it without even asking me (this was about 10 years ago) so he and my mum could spend hours loudly chatting to my brother abroad- who I really don't get on with- in my living room. Even better because in those days, Skype calls mostly consisted of "Can you hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME?! Oh, he's gone again" ad infinitum 🙄

forrestgreen · 29/12/2022 11:07

I'd ring and text her the day before to say you have covid in the house. Please don't come as you're not answering the door to anyone.
Answer one more phone call to confirm it again. Then block her for the week.

If you're seen out say it must just have been a flu...

Floralnomad · 29/12/2022 11:10

Just ring her and say you are all ill and not to come , then next time just say no and stop telling your siblings anything . If you can’t do it get your husband to do it .

purplethings · 29/12/2022 14:16

Tell her you've all got gastro with added Covid and the doctor says you have to isolate !

FictionalCharacter · 29/12/2022 14:23

“we don't know how without being nasty to get rid of her and also we are a bit scared of what she'll do if we outright cut her off.”
You’ll just have to be nasty if you keep saying no and she keeps doing it. She’s upsetting your kids, so it for them if not for yourself. She’s a nightmare- she just wants to do what she wants in YOUR home and she’s getting away with it.

What exactly could she do if you go NC?

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