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AIBU?

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Original poster

Personality or looks?

41 replies

Shawaddywaddeee · 29/12/2022 06:41

I'm with a guy who is funny, adores me, great with my son, hard working, would do anything for me
BUT
Is really not very good looking, terrible in bed and a bad kisser

I keep trying to weigh up what is more important?

I've had highly sexual, big chemistry relationships in the past but they didn't make me laugh like he does or treat me as well, and after being a single parent for nearly 17 years I feel his attributes are good for me and what I need more than a good shag.

I just worry that eventually it'll become a problem?

I am known for getting the ick easily so maybe even if I was with a fit hunk swinging from the chandeliers maybe I'd get bored of him too?

Do looks fade anyway?

Can you become more attracted to someone over time?

I know everyone's going to call me shallow but I'm just being honest and wanting advice or stories of similar experiences and how it worked out

OP posts:
steff13 · 29/12/2022 06:45

I find somebody more or less attractive based on his personality. But bad kisser/bad sex would be a no from me.

MargotChateau · 29/12/2022 06:45

Personality every time. But you seem to have a fundamental chemistry issue, the sex is bad, even kissing is bad. Without this there is no intimacy or sexual relationship.

I’m not sure what to advise, but I’m not sure this relationship is the right one for you.

It’s great you picked someone who isn’t toxic and is a ‘good guy’, I’d maybe end this relationship and look for similar qualities but in someone you are attracted to.

Oysterbabe · 29/12/2022 06:48

He's ugly and bad at sex, throw him back. There's no shortage of men and you don't need to settle. If you do you will end up with the ick and a miserable life.

Zanatdy · 29/12/2022 06:49

I was thinking it was ok until you said he was a bad kisser and bad in bed. I spent years with my ex who I never really fancied, but he chased me and I relented, thinking being good friends and that he was a nice guy would be enough. Well it wasn’t and he didn’t turn out to be such a nice guy after all. Started dating an ex colleague 6wks ago, always fancied him and last night I stayed at his. Jeez, I realised that being with someone I didn’t fancy was a terrible idea as now I’m dating someone I do fancy, who is great at kissing and sex. Don’t settle. This guy is very funny and we can talk about anything, including ex’s. He’s a good dad too (has custody) and can cook. Seriously, there must be something! For now I’ll enjoy swinging from the chandeliers!!

but no, don’t go there. When the honeymoon period is over you won’t want to have sex with someone you don’t fancy. Especially bad sex.

TennyTroo · 29/12/2022 06:50

I don't think it's as black and white as personality vs looks - I think personality can really affect how attractive I find someone. There's a very classically handsome guy at work but he's awful, arrogant and sexist. I find him ugly.

But if you're not matched sexually and don't enjoy kissing him, you need to ask yourself if you'll ever be happy in a relationship with shit sex and no kissing.

Some people would be, some won't - no right or wrong but up to you.

704703hey · 29/12/2022 06:52

TennyTroo · 29/12/2022 06:50

I don't think it's as black and white as personality vs looks - I think personality can really affect how attractive I find someone. There's a very classically handsome guy at work but he's awful, arrogant and sexist. I find him ugly.

But if you're not matched sexually and don't enjoy kissing him, you need to ask yourself if you'll ever be happy in a relationship with shit sex and no kissing.

Some people would be, some won't - no right or wrong but up to you.

This is how I feel too

mickybarrysmum · 29/12/2022 06:56

The kissing and sex can easily be sorted out honestly ☺️☺️☺️ a bit of guidance on clothes and pointers on sex and you're laughing. Having had the big Bonny lad relationships I can honestly say the looks element fades fast and you really don't want to be left with a man resembling the human form of beige.

girlmom21 · 29/12/2022 06:59

Attraction can develop but I wouldn't want to be with a bad kisser.

How long have you been together?

RiaG91 · 29/12/2022 07:03

I personally think that personality is the bigger value for me. However, a bad kisser and being terrible in bed would leave me unsatisfied - and that's generally a downfall to a relationship.

MaryJean87 · 29/12/2022 07:06

Personality is more important but I couldn't be with someone I didn't fancy. If you're not into him I'd end it and look for someone who ticks all your boxes. It doesn't have to be either/ or.

Avastmehearties · 29/12/2022 07:09

I find that a lovely personality has often transformed a not-classically-gorgeous physicality into real beauty in my eyes (both in friends and lovers) but I don't know about bad sex and kissing. Have you tried guiding him in what you like? If so how has he responded?

What is it you don't like about his looks, could he smarten up a bit in terms of presentation? I've known some men to take this well, if they've got a bit sloppy in terms of dress and regular haircuts, that kind of thing. Ok, it's not ideal to want to change someone and people can wear what they like etc but I'm just thinking maybe there can be some middle ground here. I dated for ages and it's not easy to find someone you genuinely click with who is kind, funny and caring.

FuckabethFuckor · 29/12/2022 07:11

Combination of both. (And I’d say values over personality but that may be semantics.)

It’s a bit like making hollandaise; most of the time the two things don’t blend properly and you have to chuck it away and start again. But when you get it right it all comes together perfectly.

HauntedAbbey · 29/12/2022 07:12

Personality is incredibly important however I also believe there has to be at least a spark of attraction for a relationship to properly work.

Iceballoon · 29/12/2022 07:12

Sorry to sound shallow but looks over personality, I couldn’t be in a relationship or be sexual with someone who I didn’t find attractive… I just couldn’t do it!

Also, I don’t believe looks fade, if a man is handsome he remains handsome for life.

BCBird · 29/12/2022 07:13

Personality for me is the most important thing but sex is important to.me too. Bad kisser and bad in bed,can't you model what you like? I.have onli had 2 serious relationships. The first I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread the sex was awful he had ED and never wanted to discuss anything. Lack if intimacy and how bad it was had me dying inside. Next relationship I was up front said I didn't put up with selfish sex. We had a wonderful time together. Ss for the bad kissing that was me. 🤣 I soon picked up tips from.him. we laughed about it. Be frank and gently suggest things. Good luck

MiniHouse · 29/12/2022 07:14

For me as I got older I realised how unimportant looks are. You love someone for their personality, values, what they're like to be around and that indefinable thing in their soul. My partner is quite good looking but at one point I did surprised myself by having a crush on someone who is not and at that point I really understood how little looks matter when you have a connection.

A bad kisser can learn if you're willing to be honest and say is prefer you did it this or that way. I think the same for sex, you can guide a person. Maybe read up on this and give it a go.

Also think about the life you want and who is most likely to give you that life. It's also possible if you're asking the question that you want neither of them.

Avastmehearties · 29/12/2022 07:17

Avastmehearties · 29/12/2022 07:09

I find that a lovely personality has often transformed a not-classically-gorgeous physicality into real beauty in my eyes (both in friends and lovers) but I don't know about bad sex and kissing. Have you tried guiding him in what you like? If so how has he responded?

What is it you don't like about his looks, could he smarten up a bit in terms of presentation? I've known some men to take this well, if they've got a bit sloppy in terms of dress and regular haircuts, that kind of thing. Ok, it's not ideal to want to change someone and people can wear what they like etc but I'm just thinking maybe there can be some middle ground here. I dated for ages and it's not easy to find someone you genuinely click with who is kind, funny and caring.

That said though. If you're not attracted to him and the physical stuff is sub par to the point that you're posting here, I would be considering how much you're trying to persuade yourself here. Not everything had to be perfect straight away, hence suggesting whether anything can be ironed out, but in the end a solid base of sexual connection/ attraction has to form, differentiating you from being friends.

Ylvamoon · 29/12/2022 07:20

I'm with a guy who is funny, adores me, great with my son, hard working, would do anything for me
BUT
Is really not very good looking, terrible in bed and a bad kisser

I keep trying to weigh up what is more important?

All of the above!

EllieRosesMammy · 29/12/2022 07:21

I think you need a good balance between both. If there's no sexual chemistry with someone then I don't think the relationship is built to last, especially if sex is an important part of a relationship for you (which for most adults it is).

I also believe that if you're meant to be with someone then you see beauty in every part of them, even the "ugly" bits.

Diverseopinions · 29/12/2022 07:30

It is interesting because you seem to know your partner well; your analysis makes sense and you have introduced your man to your son, so you trust him, and there is some established history of kissing, flirting and being romantic.

Is it the case that he has stopped trying or responding passionately? It seems that it used to be good - on balance. I suppose you wouldn't have gone out with him on date after date, if there hadn't been some intrigue and pleasure in imagining where it would go; the thrill of seeing his number appear on the screen; telling your friends about him. He wouldn't have gone for you, if you hadn't shown enthusiasm which seemed to be tinged with some excitement.

Is it the case that sexual chemistry is so important to get us over those humps in the road when things seem dull or hard, because only those who blend with your chemistry can even seem acceptable, when you have just had a baby, or, work is arduous and you both stop making an effort. Maybe men stop trying in the same passionate way, after the first glow of new passion has faded.

Maybe some couples do literally spell out explicitly what they like in bed and receive it rather than feeling a 'jump on your bones' eagerness for their other half's sex hormones.

RealBecca · 29/12/2022 08:13

It's not an either/or situation. You dont make yourself get past the basics, of the basics arent there then he isnt right for you.

Many people arent models and that's fine. But their partners are actually attracted to them not going through the motions because he does the dishes.

Everydaywheniwakeup · 29/12/2022 08:47

Do not stay with someone you need to teach to be a good kisser or good in bed.
I could maybe get past unattractive if the personality was so great that I fell for him fast. If that doesn't happen, friend zone forever.
In summary, shit sex, unattractive, no.

Merryclaire · 29/12/2022 09:23

Looks aren’t what matters as you can fancy anyone if the spark is there, but the bad sex and kissing are an issue - unless you both have low sex drives and are happy for this aspect to fizzle out. Or, if you’re confident enough, why not teach him to be better? He’ll want to please you so I’m sure will follow your lead.

No one can tell you if this relationship is right for you or not, but there are always ways to improve the bits that aren’t as good if overall you feel happy.

However, if you start to resent him and be mean to him then please end it.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 29/12/2022 09:29

You àre allowed both you know, OP! Someone who you are both physically and mentally attracted to.

Kissing and sex - this is subjective, if a guy is appealing enough they'll get one shot at improving. I remember saying to my otherwise wonderful partner in the early days 'I want to kiss your lips, not your tongue!' and that was enough. He listened, and has been a beautiful kisser ever since. If a guy keeps being shit after a not so subtle hint, that's it.

Original poster
Shawaddywaddeee · 29/12/2022 09:46

So we've been together a year now and we really do get on great

I think I've taken the view that no one is perfect and making me laugh every day is worth more than amazing sex

The looks can change and he's on about getting fit in 2023 so maybe they'll improve (I feel so bad saying that 🙈)

The kissing thing is he's really sloppy and it makes me cringe (that sounds so bad too 🙈)

But I'm going to just stick with it until I'm unhappy because regardless of everything I am happy

I just don't have great sex and good kissing but I've had relationships like that and after the sex slows down I got bored

There's no way of getting bored with my bf as he's up for anything I want to do (going away etc) and will do anything to make it happen so I'm very lucky in that sense

OP posts: