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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Personality or looks?

41 replies

Shawaddywaddeee · 29/12/2022 06:41

I'm with a guy who is funny, adores me, great with my son, hard working, would do anything for me
BUT
Is really not very good looking, terrible in bed and a bad kisser

I keep trying to weigh up what is more important?

I've had highly sexual, big chemistry relationships in the past but they didn't make me laugh like he does or treat me as well, and after being a single parent for nearly 17 years I feel his attributes are good for me and what I need more than a good shag.

I just worry that eventually it'll become a problem?

I am known for getting the ick easily so maybe even if I was with a fit hunk swinging from the chandeliers maybe I'd get bored of him too?

Do looks fade anyway?

Can you become more attracted to someone over time?

I know everyone's going to call me shallow but I'm just being honest and wanting advice or stories of similar experiences and how it worked out

OP posts:
MaryJean87 · 29/12/2022 10:57

What you described sounds more like a platonic friendship. If you feel there's something missing, don't settle, because those little issues such as the sloppy kissing will only annoy you more over time. But only you can know if he makes you happy enough to overcome that.

DuplicateUserName · 29/12/2022 11:00

Only a year in and you're cringing when he kisses you?

Nope, he's not for you.

YellowRedBlueGreen · 29/12/2022 11:20

🤮

Angeldelight81 · 29/12/2022 11:21

He will end up leaving you. People can tell when they’re not fancied and they’re not found attractive and actually he deserve somebody who thinks he’s a good kisser and great in bed. You really do need to throw him back.

Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2022 11:22

Look at all the women on the relationship board who are in miserable relationships with terrible sex.

Not a chance.

Weath · 29/12/2022 11:25

It sounds more like an amazing friendship...

neverbeenskiing · 29/12/2022 12:00

he deserve somebody who thinks he’s a good kisser and great in bed

But realistically, if he's a bad kisser and rubbish in bed he's not going to find that, is he?

Butterlover1 · 29/12/2022 12:01

Teach him to be a good kisser and good in bed.

These things can be taught. Personality can't.

Just need to be really open with him about what you want from him in bed etc.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 29/12/2022 12:18

steff13 · 29/12/2022 06:45

I find somebody more or less attractive based on his personality. But bad kisser/bad sex would be a no from me.

This. His looks wouldn't matter if the other stuff was good

OatFox · 29/12/2022 12:26

Personality but bad sex/a bad kisser is a big no for me.

harrassedmumto3 · 29/12/2022 12:28

A lack of chemistry/attraction CANNOT be ignored. It doesn't matter how lovely the person is in every other way. It's not fair on either party to just settle like this.

SLS500 · 29/12/2022 12:46

Have you tried giving him some guidance in the bedroom? Perhaps he's unaware of what works for you. See if he's open to suggestions. Perhaps the physical chemistry could grow.

Failing that do the right thing and let him go for both your sakes, life is too short to just settle.

Pinkdelight3 · 29/12/2022 13:00

It's not about looks because people find all kinds of looks attractive, but it doesn't sound like you find him attractive and it's not surprising with the bad kissing and shit in bedness. If those things can't be fixed, it's going nowhere really. Lots of women on here settle for guys thinking this stuff doesn't matter and then it's much harder to part years down the line when it gets unbearable. You know he's not the one for you so why put up with it just to not be alone?

Diverseopinions · 29/12/2022 14:02

It's interesting, as sixty years ago, eighty years ago, people married without having had sex. They might have held hands and possibly kissed, after engagement, but it wasn't unusual to be unaccustomed to how the other one would behave or express themselves in bed. Somehow, your common or garden pair - let's say nice people, not abusive or disinterested people - must have suggested what felt good.

How did the modern pairings, being discussed on MN, get off the ground in the first place, if things were pretty repulsive at that early stage, before the nobility and good-heartedness of the partner would even have been properly discovered? It sounds like a change, a few months in.

Is it that the eagerness and desire to please created a sense of 'passion', in the beginning, and the spark kind of fades and the unappealing aspects, such as sloppy kissing, become more prominent and noticeable?

Getting a sexual bond going is when you're most fighting with fears of something icky being about to happen and least likely to excuse physically disgusting habits.

Is it that ....no surely not ..that porn puts people, or just men, off ordinary sex, so they don't try? I certainly think that people who don't want to engage with trying different approaches and improving things: the men it seems, in some of these threads, might be lost in their own thoughts of something else?

Blendandmix · 29/12/2022 14:07

Personality 100% but you have to find them abit attractive!

Luckydip1 · 29/12/2022 17:30

Sounds like he would make a good friend for you but not right as a husband.

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