Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sense check

44 replies

Sensechecks · 28/12/2022 16:52

I’ve name changed for this.

I need a sense check. Husband and I have 2 daughters. Oldest is 7, youngest is 18 months.

When oldest was a toddler, my husband smacked her a couple of times. I was livid and I told him to stop. He did.

however, in the last 6 months or so, he’s picked our 7 year old up in a temper and forcibly removed her from rooms when she’s not been listening or not doing as asked. The force used is enough to leave marks. I told him the last two times that this wasn’t acceptable and if it happened again, he would be living elsewhere.

This happened again this evening. I’ve told him I will be seeing a solicitor asap. He is very sorry etc etc but I don’t think this is on. Using his physical strength against her in any format isn’t right, is it?

Her misbehaviour has been things like not listening, not doing as requested, arguing back. Normal 7 year old girl stuff, imo.

aibu to split family up over this?

OP posts:
Stressedmum2017 · 28/12/2022 16:58

Well leaving a mark is against the law. He must be being pretty rough to leave a mark too. I wouldnt think its worth risking social services involvement and them being taken away from both you so I would follow through.

IDoAllMyOwnStunts · 28/12/2022 17:01

He's had his warnings and has carried on. Protect your daughter, he's left you with no choice really.
Hope your daughter is ok.

SerenaTee · 28/12/2022 17:03

It’d be a dealbreaker for me without a doubt.

Pollywoddles · 28/12/2022 17:05

I wouldn’t have told him a second time.

You’re not splitting up your family, you’re protecting your children. If he’s leaving marks now, what will happen if he’s really annoyed?

astralpiano · 28/12/2022 17:07

Take photos go to the police. This is abuse.

Original poster
Sensechecks · 28/12/2022 17:10

This is what I thought. I’m mad at myself for not kicking him out the first time it happened. He seems to think because he’s apologised to our daughter that it’s all ok again.

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 28/12/2022 17:15

It’s abuse.

Kick him out ffs.

Pipsickl · 28/12/2022 17:17

If you don’t follow through it’s likely to escalate.

think carefully about what access etc he will be able to have in future, ensure that your children are safe

this all sounds horrendous, I am sorry this is happening to you x

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 28/12/2022 17:18

You need to report him to the police. Or he will get unsupervised access to your vulnerable dc..

serenaisaknobhead · 28/12/2022 17:23

Once was one too many times. Don't keep allowing this to happen. Protect your children.

Zanatdy · 28/12/2022 17:26

Deal breaker for sure. It used to engage me when my ex spoke badly to my kids, if he laid a finger on them I’d have walked immediately. Fact is you’ve given him chances, he can’t control his temper clearly and that’s risky. I’d be insisting on supervised access too

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 28/12/2022 17:30

That poor little girl.

I was once like her. It started off with leaving marks, and when I was four he beat me until my arse was red raw and skin was peeling off.

At fifteen, he slammed my head down a door and kicked me when I was curled in a ball in the floor. I ended up with concussion.

I ended up in therapy for cPTSD, which it's taken until my forties to recognise.

Why my mother, whom I loved dearly and believed at the time did her best to protect me, stayed with this monster is a question which even now is too painful for me to contemplate.

Please don't let your child be like me.

Original poster
Sensechecks · 28/12/2022 17:32

He’s leaving. Thank you. I hate myself for letting it happen again.

OP posts:
IDoAllMyOwnStunts · 28/12/2022 17:34

Well done op.

Survey99 · 28/12/2022 17:37

Don't keep giving him ultimatums and then not follow through.

No adult, even their father, would get away so lightly with leaving a mark on my child in anger.

NoSquirrels · 28/12/2022 17:39

You should photograph and document the marks. As you’ll have to negotiate custody at some point.

Original poster
Sensechecks · 28/12/2022 17:50

I feel sick. My 7 year old is back to laughing and playing with her sister. What a fucking mess.

The marks this time were red hand marks on her torso where he’s picked her up. One of the other times, she banged her shin on something as he was removing her from room and it left a small cut.

He doesn’t think he’s done anything that bad. He’s now not speaking to me after I told him I’d emailed a solicitor to make an appointment.

I don’t understand why he can’t keep his temper in check. 7 year old is fabulous at pressing buttons but wtf is he doing trying to manhandle her in to compliance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sensechecks · 28/12/2022 17:51

Also - it’s only ever happens when I’m not in the room.

OP posts:
FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 28/12/2022 17:53

Sensechecks · 28/12/2022 17:51

Also - it’s only ever happens when I’m not in the room.

So he can keep his temper in check then

ClaretBarret · 28/12/2022 17:55

YANBU to ask him to leave, but what plans do you have in terms of him getting custody.

What you’ve described won’t be enough to deny access or even have supervised visitation, so they will be alone with him from now on

TeenDivided · 28/12/2022 17:58

Take a deep breath.

Would this be resolved if he had more 'tools in his toolbox' for dealing with the DC? ie Would a parenting course giving different strategies resolve this? Is it not worth trying to resolve this, especially as if you split he'll have the kids half the time anyway?

I think it can be quite 'easy' for men to default to using their strength to 'resolve' a situation when less strong women have to use other strategies. He needs to actively learn other ways, if not the teen years will be horrific.

Original poster
Sensechecks · 28/12/2022 18:01

ClaretBarret · 28/12/2022 17:55

YANBU to ask him to leave, but what plans do you have in terms of him getting custody.

What you’ve described won’t be enough to deny access or even have supervised visitation, so they will be alone with him from now on

I don’t know. I honestly don’t know what the answer is. I’m a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sensechecks · 28/12/2022 18:02

TeenDivided · 28/12/2022 17:58

Take a deep breath.

Would this be resolved if he had more 'tools in his toolbox' for dealing with the DC? ie Would a parenting course giving different strategies resolve this? Is it not worth trying to resolve this, especially as if you split he'll have the kids half the time anyway?

I think it can be quite 'easy' for men to default to using their strength to 'resolve' a situation when less strong women have to use other strategies. He needs to actively learn other ways, if not the teen years will be horrific.

Maybe if he acknowledged the issue and sought out some parenting classes himself and realised there’s a problem, maybe it would have been salvageable. But I don’t think it is now.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 28/12/2022 18:06

Well he got away with it back then and he’s getting away with it now. The minute my DH laid a hand on any one of our kids I’d be packed up and gone, and would tell everyone what he’d done. But you just keep doing the old ‘okay, ONE more chance.’ But why would he change? And even if he does is it ok to be with a man who’d like to bruise the kids with his violence but doesn’t because he you might leave him?

ClaretBarret · 28/12/2022 18:35

Sensechecks · 28/12/2022 18:01

I don’t know. I honestly don’t know what the answer is. I’m a mess.

Show quote history

Use him leaving as time to have a think about next steps.

Id also start writing down all the incidents, I hope there is worse than what you’ve put here as tbh it’s not a smoking gun, and the shin incident wouldn’t even phase most let alone be cause for leaving.