Sense check

[Sensechecks]

I’ve name changed for this.

I need a sense check. Husband and I have 2 daughters. Oldest is 7, youngest is 18 months.

When oldest was a toddler, my husband smacked her a couple of times. I was livid and I told him to stop. He did.

however, in the last 6 months or so, he’s picked our 7 year old up in a temper and forcibly removed her from rooms when she’s not been listening or not doing as asked. The force used is enough to leave marks. I told him the last two times that this wasn’t acceptable and if it happened again, he would be living elsewhere.

This happened again this evening. I’ve told him I will be seeing a solicitor asap. He is very sorry etc etc but I don’t think this is on. Using his physical strength against her in any format isn’t right, is it?

Her misbehaviour has been things like not listening, not doing as requested, arguing back. Normal 7 year old girl stuff, imo.

aibu to split family up over this?

This made me go cold. It was exactly the same with my father. It's how he was able to deny and hide his abuse of me for so long.

YANBU op. Well done for following through and telling him to leave, it must be heartbreaking for you.
What you've done will stop this escalating. He is manhandling her rough enough to leave marks just now but she is still small, what happens as both your dds get older and bigger? That's when my parent started hitting and bruising me, pushing me against walls and slamming my head against doors. You're absolutely doing the right thing.

Someone much wiser than me will be able to advise on you on writing down these instances to show solicitor etc, and what your next steps are.

Big unmumsnetty hugs to you OP, take deep breaths and keep posting here, there's so many knowledgeable posters that can help.

I would absolutely leave my husband if he did this. And I never comment flippantly about that.

If I think of my dad, tough as you like but an absolute gentle giant with everyone, I cannot imagine feeling about him, the way your little girl must feel about her dad. A grown man leaving marks on a small child? What's next? Where is the line drawn?

Please protect your poor children and yourself.

My own dad never once laid a finger on me. I can’t imagine feeling about my dad the way my daughter must’ve felt about hers.

what am I teaching her about boundaries and male violence if I don’t follow through. I should have done it already.

I’m heartbroken.

Bless you. And well done for taking the first steps to protect your family.

I hope you can have full custody and not have to leave your children with him at any point.

You've done so well. You're protecting your children before it goes further.

if that is what he does when you are around id be very worried about what he does when your not if he loses his temper with a child. If I was in your situation I wouldn’t be comfortable to leave the children alone with him and would want him to move out.

No advice that hasn't already been said but want to say you sound amazing OP and well done. Don't be too hard on yourself for not doing it before - it's easier said than done and you're doing the right thing now

Forget about the past, just please don't let him talk you into letting him back, he wouldn't have seen the light of day if it was my kids. You've done it now so start from here. You can make sure now your children know about boundaries etc and that it is wrong and against the law etc. Be strong, he is an asshole, using 'I'm the big man and you will do what i say' bullying techniques

"One of the times he did it she caught her shin and got a cut"
He would have been out right then whilst 999 was being called!!!

Your children will thank you more that you protected them trust me!

What a twunt of a human!!!
It does not EVER matter how much your child gives attitude, that will never give anyone the right to be psychical , more so at this age and from the people they depend on most!!

And if he is doing this in your own home , like hell would he be seeing her "alone!!!"
Sorry isn't acceptable anymore. Sorry is so easy to say , just falls out the mouth. Means shit when it happens multiple times!!

I'm sorry, but if he can control himself when you are a witness, then he could control himself when you aren't in the room.

He didn't care to exercise that restraint more than once & I would be concerned he would escalate.

It's like when a woman turns up saying 'he's only hit me once.'
We all know it's just because it's the first time, not the last time in 99% of cases.

I don't even know how hard you would have to grip a child to leave red marks on their torso.

If you love your kids & yourself, you need to make them & you safe before somebody else steps in & makes them safe from both him & the woman who let them remain exposed to an unsafe home.

He is leaving.

I’m just gutted this is what it has come to. Been married 10 years, together 15.

He’s going to his mum’s.

I don’t have any family. Both my parents and only sibling all passed away several years ago.

I’m terrified of doing this alone, but I know it’s the right thing to do.

I’m sorry - ‘you hope there’s worse’? What does that mean? You hope he’s hurt my daughter more than he has?

They mean that a court will still allow him to have contact and probably overnights with your children unless something much worse than you've said on here has happened

'The marks this time were red hand marks on her torso where he’s picked her up'

I can't work out how snatching a child up and lifting them leaves red hand marks?

Isn't this more in line with a smack?

If you weren't in the room can you be sure she wasn't hit?

For you to have any chance of refusing him solo contact you will need more than what you’ve posted.

Obviously no one wants a child to be harmed, but what you’ve put here won’t be enough to keep your children safe if you split.

Leaving could be worse for them if he gets 50/50 and you have no control or input into how he acts with them during his contact time.

She’d have told me if he’d hit her. Her skin does mark easily - it’s where he’s picked her up too roughly and too tight. Not actual hand prints.

aibu to split family up over this?
You need to ASK?

I told him the last two times that this wasn’t acceptable and if it happened again, he would be living elsewhere.
So this is the second time you haven't followed through on your word, & now third time he's shown you that he's going to continue physically chastising DD no matter what you say.

Are you going to wait around for the fourth?

I think it can be quite 'easy' for men to default to using their strength to 'resolve' a situation when less strong women have to use other strategies. He needs to actively learn other ways, if not the teen years will be horrific.

Bullshit.
I could default to using my strength over a 10 year old, because I am an adult & could overpower them without any effort.
Do you think I choose not to do so because of my female sex - or because I know it's fucking immoral?

I'm so sorry, @Sensechecks

You know it's the only thing to do, but it will also be indescribably painful.

You are being a good mum and doing the right thing by your child. Don't beat yourself up with guilt about the past. He alone is responsible for his because of his chosen actions.