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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be utterly fucked off about DS’ car

67 replies

Thecaristheproblem · 28/12/2022 12:28

Fuck off daily mail and other journos

DS is 17 and in sixth form doing a levels. DS is a very insecure person and always looks for ways to raise his “social status” amongst his peers. DS passed his test earlier this year. He was absolutely desperate for a car. Me and DH are not rich and for years have always been a one car family - because of the cost of running two and me and DH can manage just fine. I frequently bike or walk to work which is fine by me but I don’t have use of the car that often as DH works away and I work locally. When DS passed his test it was may this year when it was abundantly clear that we were entering a cost of living crisis and petrol was going to massively increase. DS was practically begging for a car and DH wanted to help him buy one. To me this was just a ridiculous vanity project and I don’t see a reason why a teenager still in education needs a car. It would be one thing if we were rich but we really aren’t. In the end I reluctantly agreed and me and DH took out a small loan to buy a fourth hand fiesta from a private seller on the condition DS payed for all the upkeep and insurance.

Fast forward to today and it is clear that there are several things wrong with the car, with the MOT being in January. DS has mocks in January but has spent almost the entire Christmas holiday working in his zero hour contract job, meaning he’s done virtually no revision. DS is also always pestering us for petrol money as he simply can’t afford it because work often dries up with his job. DS is also absolutely insufferable to his friends about the car (he’s the only one in his group who can drive) and always lauds the “power” of having it over them which means a lot of his mates are getting pissed off with him. I just know the MOT is going to be more than DS can afford leaving us with the option of either scrapping the car or us severely stretching our finances to pay up the cost.

I’m utterly pissed off at DH for bouncing us into paying for it and DS for asking. I wish we’d never bought it. Aibu to be utterly fucked off about the car

OP posts:
Pearls1234 · 28/12/2022 13:10

Anyone familiar with AITA, what’s the mumsnet equivalent of ESH? I guess EBU? Everyone’s being unreasonable?

I would vote EBU.

DH shouldn’t have tried to persuade you knowing full well it wasn’t a good financial choice for your household.
DS shouldn’t have begged for something he knows his parents couldn’t afford, at 17 he should understand income/outgoings.
You shouldn’t have given in so easily, but I do get wanting to make your son happy.

Tell DS it’s his responsibility, if he can’t pay it he’ll have to SORN it until he can.
Now he has some experience on his CV would he consider a job with proper part time hours and not a zero contract?

hattie43 · 28/12/2022 13:11

What's this got to do with the daily mail and journo's.

Maybe the issue is you agreed to something you can't afford . I say you it's really your son . So get rid , end of problem

SirGawain · 28/12/2022 13:16

HowVeryBizarre · 28/12/2022 12:47

I’m fascinated as to why you think your family drama about a teenager and his car might be newsworthy.

Perhaps you’ve missed the point of Mumsnet, which is intended for people who want to share experiences or seek the opinions of others.

brusselspout · 28/12/2022 13:17

I feel like you've agreed, and now are using it against him.

This exactly.
Just stop paying towards the car. He will have to SORN it and fix it when he can afford to.

givethistokevin · 28/12/2022 13:21

Old car needs work done, it's hardly newsworthy.

DS has mocks in January but has spent almost the entire Christmas holiday working in his zero hour contract job, meaning he’s done virtually no revision. DS is also always pestering us for petrol money as he simply can’t afford it because work often dries up with his job.

I think you need to work a bit harder here. He is either spending almost his entire time working OR the work often dries up. It can't be both.

ivykaty44 · 28/12/2022 13:22

This is why I let my dds purchase their own cars, they worked for the expense of owning & running a car

he didn’t have to work to but the car and so you e sent the message that stuff like petrol is a case of just ask the bank of mum and dad, so you give it to him once or twice and he comes back for more.

DampSquids · 28/12/2022 13:24

You set him up for failure here by buying him such a lousy car.

KirstenBlest · 28/12/2022 13:25

The car hasn't failed its MoT, and the MoT itself isn't expensive.
As cars go, parts for a Ford Fiesta are cheap . You might be catastrophising.

Lovelystuff · 28/12/2022 13:25

SirGawain · 28/12/2022 13:16

Perhaps you’ve missed the point of Mumsnet, which is intended for people who want to share experiences or seek the opinions of others.

Show quote history

HowVery is talking specifically about OP telling Daily Mail to fuck off, implying that she thinks they might want to publish an article about this story

thelobsterquadrille · 28/12/2022 13:28

You don't even know if it'll fail it's MOT, yet you're on here stressing about how you should never have bought it in the first place - seems daft to me Confused

WeepingSomnambulist · 28/12/2022 13:28

You decided to buy him a car but make him responsible for the upkeep, so instead of buying a solid, reliable, good condition car you bought him a really old, had multiple owners car. Probably as cheap as you could get.

How on earth is he meant to afford to maintain a broken down, old banger?

You should have either bought him a decent car which would last and be affordable to run or not bought him one at all. It doesnt sound like any of you can afford this so you should have gone for option 2 and not bought him one at all.

Sometimes kids have to just be told that there are limitations to what a family can finance. It sounds like his friends are in that boat since no one else has a car.

He was trying to be the big man when none of you have the money. Get rid of the car until he can afford one.

RunLolaRun102 · 28/12/2022 13:30

It’s a rite of passage for parents to buy kids their first car if they can afford it. And honestly if he is studying f/t it should have come as fully funded as possible with the expectation that he gives you lifts when asked or do other chores. You created this issue by making him work to maintain the car/

Zwicky · 28/12/2022 13:31

You might be catastrophising

This.

If he’s being an arsehole to his friends then maybe suggesting he stops being an arsehole might help. I don’t understand why you bought a car without having even a passing conversation about who would be responsible for maintenance and fuel. Is he the sole driver? It’s not fair for him to always fill it up and be responsible for all maintenance if you are driving it too but I can’t quite get my head around the idea of a working 17yo asking his mum for petrol money so he can go and be an arsehole to friends unless his mum emptied the tank.

Butchyrestingface · 28/12/2022 13:32

All these SORN-happy posters, assuming that everyone has access to off-road parking...

Willowswood · 28/12/2022 13:33

Oh dear.. really feel for you as funnily enough, our DS is 17 in January and we've also bought him a second hand fiesta.

Although we made sure when we bought it, that it had a brand new MOT. Wouldn't touch any second hand car without this, and I always make sure I check the previous MOT history online to see what previous advisories were if any. If any advisories are on there and not sorted out, I wouldn't buy.

I realise you can't do this, but maybe just a tip for future car purchases? Hope you can work things out x

Ponoka7 · 28/12/2022 13:33

HowVeryBizarre · 28/12/2022 12:47

I’m fascinated as to why you think your family drama about a teenager and his car might be newsworthy.

The DM/Mirror etc like to pick family drama/dilemmas up from here. I'm surprised that you don't know that.

Kanaloa · 28/12/2022 13:34

Butchyrestingface · 28/12/2022 13:32

All these SORN-happy posters, assuming that everyone has access to off-road parking...

Well if they don’t have access to private parking and can’t afford an MOT, then they can’t afford a car… so that’s life really.

Squirrellane · 28/12/2022 13:36

You have a golden opportunity here to teach him a highly valuable life lesson. If he wants all the material stuff to look good to his mates, he needs to pay for it himself. If/when the car fails it's MOT you can declare it off the road until he has saved enough to fix it.

latetothefisting · 28/12/2022 13:36

To be fair in some ways your ds has been quite responsible and hardworking - he knows he needs money to pay for the car and knows his work dries up seasonally so has taken on loads of shifts while they are available. In many ways that's quite admirable and better than a lot of similar aged lads who would either spend the whole holidays doing fuck all or spend their money on expensive trainers and drugs.

I also agree with the pp who said you shafted him a bit - it's a fourth hand cheap car, it should have been obvious it was going to need some work at some point. You havent suggested that any of the work needed is due to him driving badly, it's just entirely anticipated wear and tear on an old banger!

I agree that you would have been better off never buying the car to start with but unfortunately if you want his priorities to realign with what you think he should be prioritising (school) then you might have to bribe him in some way, e.g saying you will may for the repairs if he does well in his exams. If not you can't really blame anyone if he continues to decide his car is his priority and so he needs paid work to finance it.

Ponoka7 · 28/12/2022 13:37

It must be a decent job if he can afford the insurance at 17 on top of expenses and his personal living costs. You shouldn't have bought it, it could have been a reward for his hard work leading up to his exams. But you have and it's on you, as much as your DH. You need to speak to your son about becoming unlikable and your DH about him picking up more expense. I'd worry about your DS showing off while driving and wrapping it around a tree.

Kennykenkencat · 28/12/2022 13:38

Tbh I think you were unreasonable in getting him a 4th hand fiesta and taking out a loan

I looked into used cars when Dd passed her test and realised quite quickly that once you take into account depreciation, mot’s, breakdowns, mpg, tax and all the other stuff that comes with a used car for those of us who don’t know how to fix a car it was cheaper for to go and get her a brand new lease car.

We were looking at cars earlier this year and for a small run around I think I saw some for under £100 per month.
Maybe a bit more for no money down.

I think the unreasonable bit is not looking at all possibilities to save money and working out the running costs etc when you know you are short on money

FWIW I think your Ds might have more friends and be more secure if he didn’t act like a prat to his mates.
Or are people only his mate because he has a car.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 28/12/2022 13:46

If he's worked loads of hours he can use the money earned to get the car through its MOT.

He may need to look for a more reliable job if he wants to run a car long term though.

If he doesn't have enough cash to get the car through the MOT then if you can afford to loan him some that's a possibility but if not he will have to either learn to fix it himself with second hand parts, sell it, or sorn it.

Alternatively he sells it now with a short MoT.

Babyroobs · 28/12/2022 13:54

I feel your pain. We have had years of this ( 4 dc). We helped DS1 get a second hand car, that then went on to have numerous problems which we ended up paying for and then he had an accident and then ended up with it breaking down on the motorway on the way back to Uni after lockdown. He needed a car to get to his part time job at Uni so he ended up taking my decent car as it was lockdown and I was working from home. Two years later he still has my decent car, cannot afford to buy one of his own ( poorly paid job) and we usually end up having to pay for it to be repaired as he has no money. I know we are mugs. Fortunately ds2 managed to buy his own car and maintains it. DS not interested in driving ( thank god).

Kennykenkencat · 28/12/2022 13:55

We are definitely not well off but maybe because of the way I was brought up in a multi generation extended family household that we treat individuals money with the same respect as our own. We look at it as family money. I.e As a family how much will this cost. If I am getting Dd her car I will look at the whole cost of the car not just on what it is costing me but what it will cost my Dd as well.
Everything is on the internet so running costs etc. common problems associated with older makes of cars, insurance categories, depreciation etc. is all there to be worked out.

thelobsterquadrille · 28/12/2022 13:56

Butchyrestingface · 28/12/2022 13:32

All these SORN-happy posters, assuming that everyone has access to off-road parking...

Well, if he can't afford an MOT and doesn't have the space to store and SORN his car, he can't afford a vehicle in the first place and will have to sell it 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's just life. Not everyone can afford to run a car and it's hardly essential when you're 17 and still living at home.