To not TTC DC2 because of teen DC1?

[BoxingDayStress]

name changed for this

DH and I are both mid 30s and have always wanted to have DC together. I was a young mum and so already have an older teenage child myself. DH has no children. We were supposed to start TTC a couple of months ago but I have postponed this due to my DC. They have been having a few issues mental health wise, it may just be teenage angst or it may be more - we don’t know yet. They are struggling with this and general life stuff, and I don’t feel it’d be fair for me to now be TTC/bringing a baby into the world, when my existing DC really needs me and I need to feel there for them. Time is not on my side though, I’m 37 in a couple of months but I feel I have to prioritise the child I already have (even though they’re legally adult themselves). DH is being brilliant with my DC but It’s all come to a bit of a head over Christmas where DH is feeling unsettled/sad that he possibly won’t get to try to have a DC of his own, he thinks we should still just go for it, that a new baby may even help my DC and bring joy into all of our lives. But my instinct says no, despite how much I’d love to have a second child. It’s made me wonder how much do other people prioritise existing DC when planning further children?

YABNU - you’re doing the right thing prioritising your existing child. Do not TTC.

YABU - you need to make yourself happy too, TTC

If your existing child was a younger teen, then perhaps you should wait. But as your existing child is legally an adult, I think you’d regret not trying if you do try want another baby.

How old is your teen?

I don't think it fair to deny your husband a child of his own . Teenage years are always full of angst , hormones raging and in 99% of cases they come through unscathed.

I agree with this - I don’t know why you are calling your existing child a ‘teen’ when they are also ‘legally an adult’.

So they are 18+ then. Not a ‘teen’. They are an adult.

I can see why you DH is upset. You both knew you wanted to have kids, you’ve now changed your mind which is your prerogative, but he is understandably upset about that.

Is your adult child living with you? Do you really want another baby or not?

The DC is just about to turn 18

They share their time equally between my house and their dad (this is DCs choice)

Do you generally feel anxious about having enough love and attention to go round? In terms of practical support, does your eldest take up a lot of time? Can you pinpoint exactly what it is that’s worrying you?

Gently asking, are you maybe getting cold feet about the idea of another child and your teen DD seems like a good reason to latch onto. I may be completely off the mark but just wanted to check

There’s a 16 year age gap between my 2 children. I too was worried because DC1 had been an only child for so long, was going through teenage angst etc. I also didn’t want them to feel left out. Honestly, for us it has been nothing but positive having DC2 - the bond between them all is amazing. DC1 has started coming with us on days out, holidays etc again because DC2 is there.

If I had a pound for every person who has tilted their head and me and asked “how DC1 feels about having a baby sibling?” though, I’d be a millionaire.

*at not and

Good for you for prioritising your existing child, even if she is nearly an adult, she clearly still needs you. Trust your instincts, they are right.

You're entitled not to have a child if you don't want one. You're entitled not to let anyone else pressurise you into having a child.

But your DH is also entitled to look for another relationship if he really wants to be in a relationship where he can have children with someone.

How was your experience of pregnancy and having a newborn with your first child? I imagine it was pretty overwhelming, as you were so young. You are a different person now, I’d imagine - do you think that you have fears that you’re not going to be enough for both children related to how you found being a first-time mother?

It’s absolutely OK to change your mind and no one should say otherwise, of course, although this will be difficult and sad for your DP. But in order to be sure about your decisions you need to unpick exactly what it is you’re afraid of, and why that is.

As they are only with you half the time anyway , so obviously have options I would go for it .

You don’t have to have another baby if you don’t want one.
But I’d be pissed off if I was your DH.

This is what I wondered, too…

I think you need to be honest with yourself op and with your oh. If you want a child then go for it, if you don’t say so but don’t use your existing child as an excuse to not have one. You can look after her and have more children.

Same!

14 years between my girls. I now have a 16 year old and a 1.5 year old. It's worked out fine. It's hard to balance my attention between their different needs, obviously, but that would have also been the case if they'd been closer in age, so 🤷‍♀️

Oh and they have a gorgeous bond despite the age difference 😊

Fascinating responses on this thread. Whenever a woman posts to say she’s so upset and hurt that her DP has changed his mind about having (another) DC she is roundly told she is BU , that she is being selfish, she has no right to expect a child and should focus on the existing children, etc .

YANBU - you don’t owe anyone a baby. It’s you that is pregnant, gives birth, and will be doing 99.9% of all baby related things.

I am your age with teens and I would not be starting all over again.

It seems you don't understand the words eighTEEN and nineTEEN.

@Pascor wind your neck in - no need to be so aggressive.

18/19yo are adults - young adults but adults nonetheless.

If you said to someone you had a teen, most would assume you meant 12/13 - 16/17.

Absolutely fine not to want another child for whatever reason. However you need to stop bulls hitting your spouse and let him decide if he is ready to give up on being a parent in order to stay with you or find someone who wants to have children with him