To not TTC DC2 because of teen DC1?

[BoxingDayStress]

name changed for this

DH and I are both mid 30s and have always wanted to have DC together. I was a young mum and so already have an older teenage child myself. DH has no children. We were supposed to start TTC a couple of months ago but I have postponed this due to my DC. They have been having a few issues mental health wise, it may just be teenage angst or it may be more - we don’t know yet. They are struggling with this and general life stuff, and I don’t feel it’d be fair for me to now be TTC/bringing a baby into the world, when my existing DC really needs me and I need to feel there for them. Time is not on my side though, I’m 37 in a couple of months but I feel I have to prioritise the child I already have (even though they’re legally adult themselves). DH is being brilliant with my DC but It’s all come to a bit of a head over Christmas where DH is feeling unsettled/sad that he possibly won’t get to try to have a DC of his own, he thinks we should still just go for it, that a new baby may even help my DC and bring joy into all of our lives. But my instinct says no, despite how much I’d love to have a second child. It’s made me wonder how much do other people prioritise existing DC when planning further children?

YABNU - you’re doing the right thing prioritising your existing child. Do not TTC.

YABU - you need to make yourself happy too, TTC

And I think most posts have acknowledged that OP shouldn’t have a baby she doesn’t want. But it’s not entirely clear that the OP doesn’t want a baby. She says my instinct says no, despite how much I’d love to have a second child. So the posts here are gently trying to explore whether that ‘instinct’ is a permanent change of heart on the subject (and then that’s a separate issue to address with her DP) or just akin to cold feet, which could probably be overcome and the 18-year-old is not the root cause.

You know your teen best but when I was a teen with severe mental health problems, a new baby would done the opposite of bringing joy into my life.

Thinking a new baby will help a mentally struggling teen seems hopelessly idealistic. I’m sure it is received as a positive for some, but it can be disastrous for others.

Teen or adult OP’s child is struggling and needs support. She isn’t wrong to reassess as to whether or not she is able to do that and introduce a new baby. She doesn’t owe her DP a child.

Yes this is true, granted. but there are also lots of comments to the effect that it’s not fair on her DP, that he has every right to be angry/ hurt, and even to leave the relationship. That’s definitely not the tone when it’s the other way around.

Thanks everyone for the input so far.

@NoSquirrels it certainly was a huge challenge becoming a parent so young, I hadn’t really thought about how it may impact on my feelings of doing it all again. It’s something I have always wanted to do though.

I think the main worries I have are DC1 having some kind of crisis or otherwise needing my support and I can’t be there because I am busy with DC2. I know that can happen with any age gap between siblings but I think it’d be the TTC intentionally, knowing this is a risk. I guess I’m also concerned that DC1 might resent me for adding in a sibling at such a late stage, it’d change the dynamic and rhythm of the household so much regardless of how their MH is.

It's tricky but even with a baby you'll still have time to support your child. Talk to your husband and make a plan so that you always have one on one time with your teen.

But do you want another child? Or are you using this as an excuse not to have more children? It's ok to change your mind, but tell your husband, so he can decide if he wants to stay in this relationship.

I think the main worries I have are DC1 having some kind of crisis or otherwise needing my support and I can’t be there because I am busy with DC2.

That’s quite a vague fear, isn’t it? You said yourself your 18 year old is maybe just having age-related wobbles (teenage angst) rather than a mental health crisis. You will be able to give them support no matter what happens with a baby if your partner is a good father and steps up with the physical care - babies don’t need the emotional energy/resources that a teenager needs, and a teenager doesn’t need the physical care a baby needs.

Your first baby is an adult now. Your relationship and responsibility to them will change anyway, whether you do or don’t have another child.

I think you need to do some soul-searching on what exactly you’re worried/scared/afraid of- be really honest with yourself- and go from there.