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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want ex and his mum to take DD on holiday!

42 replies

BananaCocktails · 28/12/2022 00:53

I am no longer with my
ex who cheated and treated me badly - we split 6 months ago and he left the family home and he sees her twice a week for a couple of hours at mine. He is living with his mum and doesn’t take her there to stay overnight because he says he is working all the time. I suspect he is living somewhere/ with someone
else

He called me today and said that his mother would like to take her on holiday to Jamaica
for a week in October next year half term . My daughter does not like staying overnight with his mother - I tried once several months ago , she cries to come home , and a few times earlier in the year- same issue - on last occasion she was dropped back to me at 11pm as she kept crying to come back and grandma didn’t want to hear it

DD doesn’t really have a reason for not wanting to stay with grandma - However, her grandma has not really been that close to her throughout her life and has always never liked me for absolutely no reason at all . And had been nasty to me on a few occasions in the past . DD also mention that they were both talking about me behind my back in front of her to which ex strongly denies.

When my DD was born premature she was in hospital- and she never came to visit
didbt bother with her until she was
2 and since then she has been seeing her once every month as she works - just taking her to the shops or something,DD never wants to go I suspect because she’s just not that close to her -but I feel bad saying no to grandma as I don’t want to be accused of ruining growth of a relationship between them both

my parents are from Spain so I take her to see extended family every year- she is extremely close to my mum over here in the uk also and ex is jealous of that

he just came off the phone shouting that I take her to my country but why not his and he will go too If I am more comfortable with that, I said that it’s not that I don’t want her to go. It’s because she doesn’t particularly like staying with them both and I’m not sure she would be happy staying with them
for a week even if it is in the Caribbean, and that I don’t feel Jamaica is a very safe country. He got very angry at that

he said apparently They are both just going to stay in a hotel and not visit family but I don’t believe them.

Idon’t want to sound horrid but my friends auntie went to Jamaica and her boyfriend was murdered and I know you can be murdered anywhere in the world but now I’m anxious. there are parts of Jamaica which are not very savoury and I don’t believe they will both be staying in a hotel and not visiting
family at all
they haven’t been to Jamaica for over 20 years, so they wouldn’t know what it’s like over there outside of the resorts -if it was somewhere else, I’ll be fine with that because I know they will definitely be staying in the hotel and in the resort

I know my daughter needs to know her heritage and I have done my best to try and teacher aspects of her heritage as best as I can, but I feel like I’m being awful and over anxious about this . I don’t want her to go and also think flying to the Caribbean for a week is a bit pointless, two days of that would be just flying and she’s already going to spend three weeks in Spain where we return the first of September . Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 28/12/2022 00:57

Age?

Krakinou · 28/12/2022 00:59

How old is your daughter? I think regardless of the destination, the fact your daughter doesn’t even like staying over with her grandma locally is reason enough that she shouldn’t be going on holiday with her.

Original poster
BananaCocktails · 28/12/2022 01:00

She is 8

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 28/12/2022 01:02

In that case YANBU

If she doesn't want to go, they can't force her.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 28/12/2022 01:03

I wouldn’t even bother mentioning the destination at all. She hasn’t managed even 1 night with her grandmother in this country without being upset. Therefore it is obvious a week away isn’t suitable.

just say no she wouldn’t want to be away from me for that long. Keep repeating and don’t get into and discussions about it.

Does your partner have PR? Does your daughter have a passport. Just wondering if there would be any possibility of her being kept there if she went? Unlikely but worth mentioning as it has happened to mothers.

toomuchlaundry · 28/12/2022 01:04

I was wondering whether there was a risk they might not bring her back

Redglitter · 28/12/2022 01:05

No, you need to do what's best for your daughter regardless of how your ex feels. If your daughter won't even stay overnight with her locally her Gran is crazy to think an overseas holiday will work

Could you try & get her to tell you what she doesn't like about staying & see if it's fixable. Maybe with time she could go a short trip in this country

The first time my Mum & I took my niece on holiday it was close enough to come home or my brother to come & get her if she was unsettled or homesick - she was neither but everyone was happier knowing the option was there

MintJulia · 28/12/2022 01:05

YANBU At 8 or 9 (by then), she knows she doesn't enjoy being with her paternal grandmother, and forcing your child to go on holiday with her would be a horrible thing to do.

The dgm has no right to take your dd abroad. You dd doesn't even spend overnights with her father. I'd say no.

pizzaHeart · 28/12/2022 01:08

YANBU and I agree with @Whowhatwherewhenwhynow

Lexi868 · 28/12/2022 01:09

There's something that I don't like about his and his mum's insistence to take your daughter on holiday to "his country". Your daughter isn't comfortable with grandmother and clearly won't want to go and they can't force her. I dont think I'd let my kid go that far away. Definitely say no
And just stick to it.

JFDIYOLO · 28/12/2022 01:22

I used to work at airport. One parent taking the child away to their own country on the pretext of holiday then staying, keeping the child there, marrying them off even - this was a repeated issue we had to get involved with. This feels off. Tell them she does not want to go there, she does not want to stay with grandmother, you do not want her travelling so far without you, especially to a country with such a high crime rate. Jamaica has just declared a state of national emergency over the crime rate. Send him this. And repeat 'no' calmly and assertively. nypost.com/2022/11/16/jamaica-declares-state-of-emergency-over-surging-crime-including-tourist-hot-spot-montego-bay/

ExactlyasIsaid · 28/12/2022 01:31

My children's dad lives in Jamaica and they only go when I take them. I refuse to let his aunts take them.
On one of our trips we witnessed a robbery gone wrong and the victim was killed, on another my son had an accident and ended up in A&E there and I just think it's too far in case anything happened to them and I wasn't there.
The crime rate is very high and of course they're likely to leave any resort they stay at to visit family.
I also agree that it's too far to go for one week- I don't know anyone that's gone for a week.
If he has PR he could push it and get permission from the courts to take her so I would try and come to a friendly solution with him on it. He needs to understand that your daughter isn't comfortable staying with his mum for one night let alone in a foreign country for a week.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2022 01:35

Your answer should be no, and I hope your ex doesn't not have access to your childs bc or passport.

Wombat100 · 28/12/2022 01:38

If you take your daughter to Spain to see family then it doesn’t seem wholly unreasonable for him to want to take her on a visit to his home country too.

I understand why you’re worried but he’s her dad. I know this is a stretch but what about if you went and stayed out there for a week too? That way your daughter would have the comfort of mum being there but she still gets to see dad’s family or whatever it is he plans on doing while they’re there?

Original poster
BananaCocktails · 28/12/2022 01:48

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow it did cross my mind that they could keep her there and not bring her back but then I thought I was being silly
they both don’t like me very much so I guess if it’s not impossible -then its possible
ive done absolutely nothing to that woman her son lived with me for many years whilst he abused me and never gave me a penny , in fact I used to give him money as he used to spend all his wages- my self confidence was terrible, so I never left him, I guess he just badmouth me to her all the time and she decided she didn’t like me.
this is the worst part for years into a 12 year relationship. He marched me down to the abortion clinic whilst I was shaking and vulnerable and crying and they both pay for me to have the abortion pill. Luckily for me I had my DD afterwards but I never forgot what they did
Thankfully I am a stronger person now

OP posts:
Original poster
BananaCocktails · 28/12/2022 01:49

Four years into a 12 year relationship I meant sorry for the typo

OP posts:
Original poster
BananaCocktails · 28/12/2022 01:52

@JFDIYOLO that’s frightening. Didn’t realise it was common !

OP posts:
Original poster
BananaCocktails · 28/12/2022 01:56

@Wombat100 i would go for the week they would not want me there and I probably couldn’t get a week off so soon after returning from a 3 week stay in Spain in September , I would also be nervous on my own

OP posts:
MeMyselfandI2 · 28/12/2022 03:31

I’m not offering an opinion on whether the holiday should happen or not. But for information purposes; the UK, Spain, and Jamaica are signatories to the 1980 Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction. This means if there was some type of abduction to Jamaica after some legal proceedings the home jurisdiction would be found to be the UK. This would not be an immediate answer, but knowledge is power.

Ihavenodesiretobequotedinthepaperthankyouvmuch · 28/12/2022 04:06

No, do not allow you daughter to go abroad with an abusive man and his nasty, unpleasant mother. Your daughter doesn’t want to stay there for a reason- perhaps she doesn’t feel safe with Nan or maybe dad. Of course they bad-mouth you. Of course they say they don’t.
She 8yo and should be given a choice about going that far with these people. Jamaica is a very beautiful country, full of many lovely people, but it is very different to UK and can be very dangerous. Do you trust them to keep your daughter safe?

Perhaps she might go with them when she is older, and more able to appreciate its sense of history and cultural richness.

Netaporter · 28/12/2022 04:26

If this insistence by her Father to take her to Jamaica without your consent escalates further, I’d take legal advice. However, if he is named on her Bc and has PR he could also make it awkward for you to go to Spain.

Assuming you hold her UK passport, I’d also consider writing to the Jamaican embassy asking for them to not issue a passport in your DD’s name if requested. They do not have to agree but it will be noted. If she holds a Spanish passport and doesn’t have a UK passport there are steps you can take to prevent one being issued.

I’m sorry you find yourself in this position. Trust your instincts though.

Iflyaway · 28/12/2022 04:36

Definately do not let your daughter go to another country in another continent with family she does not feel relaxed with. At the age of 8 she is extremely vulnerable.

You can go with her yourself when she is much older, teenager for instance.
Much more important for her to grow up in a stable family environment, like you have in Spain to go to for holidays.

I've been to Jamaica many times. I love it. Yes, it has its dangerous areas, like anywhere. London, for instance.

Personally, if - I'm a single mum - my child (who is now an adult) felt in any way uncomfortable spending time with divorced family there's no way I would facilitate visits. (They don't, and I have).They can come here if they want to spend time with them. That way I could monitor the atmosphere.

I owe it to my child to protect him.

MuggleMe · 28/12/2022 07:37

I'd be saying don't book anything until you've both worked on dd being happier staying over with ex and GP.

If ex needs to take time off to facilitate it, so be it. But until dd is happy with a few nights (worked up to it by April/May perhaps) it's a non-starter, and remind them of ex-mil dropping her home at 11pm.

Original poster
BananaCocktails · 28/12/2022 17:00

Thanks for your advice all
I’d just say no x

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 15/02/2023 11:51

Do you have any sort of formal contact order in place with her father? Under normal circumstances it should be a problem for him as her parent to take her on holiday for a week, but for his mother to take her would just be odd.