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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don’t want ex and his mum to take DD on holiday!

42 replies

BananaCocktails · 28/12/2022 00:53

I am no longer with my
ex who cheated and treated me badly - we split 6 months ago and he left the family home and he sees her twice a week for a couple of hours at mine. He is living with his mum and doesn’t take her there to stay overnight because he says he is working all the time. I suspect he is living somewhere/ with someone
else

He called me today and said that his mother would like to take her on holiday to Jamaica
for a week in October next year half term . My daughter does not like staying overnight with his mother - I tried once several months ago , she cries to come home , and a few times earlier in the year- same issue - on last occasion she was dropped back to me at 11pm as she kept crying to come back and grandma didn’t want to hear it

DD doesn’t really have a reason for not wanting to stay with grandma - However, her grandma has not really been that close to her throughout her life and has always never liked me for absolutely no reason at all . And had been nasty to me on a few occasions in the past . DD also mention that they were both talking about me behind my back in front of her to which ex strongly denies.

When my DD was born premature she was in hospital- and she never came to visit
didbt bother with her until she was
2 and since then she has been seeing her once every month as she works - just taking her to the shops or something,DD never wants to go I suspect because she’s just not that close to her -but I feel bad saying no to grandma as I don’t want to be accused of ruining growth of a relationship between them both

my parents are from Spain so I take her to see extended family every year- she is extremely close to my mum over here in the uk also and ex is jealous of that

he just came off the phone shouting that I take her to my country but why not his and he will go too If I am more comfortable with that, I said that it’s not that I don’t want her to go. It’s because she doesn’t particularly like staying with them both and I’m not sure she would be happy staying with them
for a week even if it is in the Caribbean, and that I don’t feel Jamaica is a very safe country. He got very angry at that

he said apparently They are both just going to stay in a hotel and not visit family but I don’t believe them.

Idon’t want to sound horrid but my friends auntie went to Jamaica and her boyfriend was murdered and I know you can be murdered anywhere in the world but now I’m anxious. there are parts of Jamaica which are not very savoury and I don’t believe they will both be staying in a hotel and not visiting
family at all
they haven’t been to Jamaica for over 20 years, so they wouldn’t know what it’s like over there outside of the resorts -if it was somewhere else, I’ll be fine with that because I know they will definitely be staying in the hotel and in the resort

I know my daughter needs to know her heritage and I have done my best to try and teacher aspects of her heritage as best as I can, but I feel like I’m being awful and over anxious about this . I don’t want her to go and also think flying to the Caribbean for a week is a bit pointless, two days of that would be just flying and she’s already going to spend three weeks in Spain where we return the first of September . Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Vastula · 15/02/2023 12:06

You can say no, but he can also say no to your trips to Spain.

Would he be open to having at least every other weekend with her, and a short break away with your daughter and his mum in a few months? Unless there’s some massive backstory, your daughter and her dad lived together for the vast majority of her life and she must be comfortable with him, if not her grandmother. When she’s older she might resent having no ties with her Jamaican family, especially if she’s told you blocked it.

unclebuck · 15/02/2023 12:16

Stop conflating issues. She cannot go because she does not know her grandmother. Jamaica is a wonderful country and that has nothing to do with it.

musingsinmidlife · 15/02/2023 12:27

This isn't really a likely scenario for abduction. They haven't been there in 20 years. Unlikely ex and his mother want to abandon life here and not return. Nor does it seem he would want to parent full time a child he sees for a couple hours a week.

Is there a court order regarding custody? Why not start to increase the amount of time she spends with him to see if that closens their bond. He should be taking her out, not just seeing her at yours. If he wants to start doing things like holidays, he needs to have a closer relationship with her and he should start building that now.

This trip doesn't sound like it would be enjoyable for your daughter at all and Jamaica does have safety / violence issues. It is reasonable he wants to emerse her more in his culture and to meet his family but he can start now by emersing her more in his culture here. If he doesn't have court ordered access you are fine.

BurbageBrook · 15/02/2023 13:35

I would say no. Your daughter wouldn't want to go, or enjoy it when there, and she comes first.

SnackSizeRaisin · 15/02/2023 13:44

I think I'd approach it by saying no at the moment. Her dad needs to start looking after her properly, taking her to his house without you there, having her overnight, providing her with a suitable bedroom and cooking her food etc. Then she also needs to become more comfortable with her grandma. Then a UK trip with both of them for a few nights.
Jamaica would be a great opportunity but this doesn't seem like the best time, maybe when she's secondary age, or when relationships have improved considerably?
I don't think it's reasonable for her dad to shirk any real responsibility but then expect you to send your daughter abroad to keep his mum happy.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 15/02/2023 13:53

it's clearly not a good idea for her to go at this stage.

but rather than a point-blank refusal, better to say "it's nor appropriate to plan a long holiday like this when she hasn't managed a single overnight stay with your mum happily yet. I am not going to risk her being miserable and thousands of miles away for this year, suggest your mum books a 2 or 3 night weekend break somewhere in the uk and we'll see how that goes"

MargaritaRita · 15/02/2023 13:53

Suggest that members of the Jamaican family could visit you all in UK maybe?

I personally would be very wary, but most of all there is no way that I would subject my daughter to something she doesn't want.

liveforsummer · 15/02/2023 13:57

When you say she doesn't like staying at granny's is that with or without her dad also there?

Reugny · 15/02/2023 14:02

SnackSizeRaisin · 15/02/2023 13:44

This.

Pottedpalm · 15/02/2023 14:10

BananaCocktails · 28/12/2022 01:49

Four years into a 12 year relationship I meant sorry for the typo

I’m wondering why you stayed for another eight years.

Reugny · 15/02/2023 14:13

If her father refuses to do what @SnackSizeRaisin suggests the only other way for her to go to Jamaica is if you go as well.

Also one major reason for her going is for her to meet her extended family and seeing if she has cousins or whoever she gets on with that she via one you can keep in touch with. Staying in a hotel/resort may make that difficult.

MrsSlipSlop · 15/02/2023 14:28

My DDad was from Jamaica. I visited once as a child but have no wish to go back because of the violence (three relatives murdered in separate incidents).

There is a tradition/culture of giving children to relatives to be brought up. My aunt decided she wanted to “adopt”’me so I could stay there to be “brought up properly” and got the family to back her but my DM prevailed and luckily I didn’t stay.

Addymontgomeryfan · 15/02/2023 14:39

I don't think it's unreasonable at all for him to want to take her to Jamaica. It's far enough in advance for you all to start working on his and his mother's relationship with your daughter.

Another point to consider is if he has PR he does not need your permission to take your daughter to Jamaica on holiday.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/02/2023 14:41

I would focus on your daughter here, not your worries and concerns. Say it's not in ger best interests because -

Your daughter does not want to go
She has never stayed overnight with your ex or his mum
She has never spent more than a few hours at a time with them
She is anxious at being so far away from home without you

Say you are happy to assist with the process of working towards it in a year or two, if your daughter wants to go then, but you will all have to work together to build it up gradually eg have her overnight a few times, then a uk weekend away and a uk week away, first, so that your daughter will find it a lot easier then going for a week with them. it sounds positive but I doubt they will do it.

At her age I dont think they can force it anyway. Though I would definitely talk to her about what she should do if they try and make her any time (tell a border guard that she doesnt want to leave the country and her mum doesn't know about it and tell them to call the police).

LabradorEyes · 15/02/2023 20:57

I would refuse but also I guess he will now refuse to let her go to Spain. Still I think that's preferable to having the poor child spend a week in a place she doesn't want to be.

What passport does your daughter have? You won't be able to renew the Spanish one without him being present, and he could potentially ask for the British one to be held by the police so that you can't leave the country

Emmamoo89 · 15/02/2023 21:04

YANBU X

Christmaspyjamas · 15/02/2023 21:08

At 8 (presumably 9 or 10) your daughter is old enough to express her wishes.

You don't seem motivated by the best of reasons.

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