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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to choose my own engagement ring ?

54 replies

Bluelightbaby · 27/12/2022 22:37

I’ve known for ages that my DP has an engagement ring in his safe for me, he told me a while back.

I’m actually nervous for when it happens as when he’s bought me jewellery in the past, it’s really not to my taste at all !

I’ve got my heart set on a ring I’ve seen, but it’s highly unlikely it’s that one in the safe.

I think jewellery is an extremely personal choice and if I’m going to wear it forever, I’d like it to be something I love ! I was married for twenty years before this relationship and chose my engagement ring and loved it ! Was devastated to stop wearing it tbh :(

so who would be happy for a surprise ring or who would prefer to pick their own ?

AIBU ?

OP posts:
user1474315215 · 27/12/2022 22:42

We chose mine together. Had a chat about getting married (no huge proposal), then chose a ring. I really wouldn't have wanted a surprise.

fatsocatso · 27/12/2022 22:44

Yep, I also told mine I wanted to choose before he proposed, so I get that. You'll have an army of here telling you you're an ungrateful bint though.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2022 22:44

Of course not! It’s your ring on your hand for many years to come.

Does he know you know? What’s with the hanging around waiting for a proposal? If he doesn’t know you know or you claim you don’t then just tell him you want to get married and there’s a ring you’ve got your eye on.

We chose our rings together.

WhatLikeItsHard · 27/12/2022 22:46

I told my DP I wanted to choose my own ring, like you said if I'm going to wear it forever I'd like to make sure I love it!

Why does he have a ring in the safe? Is it a family heirloom, or did he buy it for you?

Lockheart · 27/12/2022 22:47

Why don't you just talk to him and show him the kind you like? If you know he has one in the safe then presumably you've talked about engagement before. No need to make comments about other jewellery not being to your taste, just stress to him that you have your heart set on a certain style and ask if the ring can be changed if it is not that style.

user1471548941 · 27/12/2022 22:47

We did it together. My husband knows I hate surprises,
have particular taste and have my own idea of what I’d like. And he’s not one for chosing even clothes etc for me.

we talked about marriage, booked a day out in Birmingham to visit the jewellery quarter, had a very very special day designing the ring together and he collected it a few weeks later and we booked a fancy dinner to celebrate together and
announced to the family at a pre arranged family gathering the day after (it was near Xmas!)

Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 27/12/2022 22:50

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2022 22:44

Of course not! It’s your ring on your hand for many years to come.

Does he know you know? What’s with the hanging around waiting for a proposal? If he doesn’t know you know or you claim you don’t then just tell him you want to get married and there’s a ring you’ve got your eye on.

We chose our rings together.

He told me that he had it ! He said I can’t wait for you to be divorced, I’ve got a ring in the safe and as soon as you’re divorced I’m proposing….so he’s been waiting for me to be divorced (split from ex-hubby for years, but only just got round to divorce) but divorce was back in may….but no proposal yet….we went to Iceland recently and I was sooo sure it would happen then, but no :(

trouble is because I know he’s already got the ring, I can’t really say sorry I want another one ? But worried I won’t like it….as his taste in jewellery is umm questionable!

just not sure what to do !

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 27/12/2022 22:51

Lockheart · 27/12/2022 22:47

Why don't you just talk to him and show him the kind you like? If you know he has one in the safe then presumably you've talked about engagement before. No need to make comments about other jewellery not being to your taste, just stress to him that you have your heart set on a certain style and ask if the ring can be changed if it is not that style.

He’s seen the ring I like as saw it on my laptop and he just said oh that’s nothing like the one I’ve got you…I think you’re going to be disappointed

OP posts:
Marypuppuns · 27/12/2022 22:52

weird To tell you he’s got a ring not much of a surprise proposal

Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 27/12/2022 22:53

WhatLikeItsHard · 27/12/2022 22:46

I told my DP I wanted to choose my own ring, like you said if I'm going to wear it forever I'd like to make sure I love it!

Why does he have a ring in the safe? Is it a family heirloom, or did he buy it for you?

No he bought it - 18months ago !

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 27/12/2022 22:54

Marypuppuns · 27/12/2022 22:52

weird To tell you he’s got a ring not much of a surprise proposal

Well it’s been 18months since he bought it so it’ll still be a surprise lol if it actually happens 🤣

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 27/12/2022 22:54

Bluelightbaby · 27/12/2022 22:51

He’s seen the ring I like as saw it on my laptop and he just said oh that’s nothing like the one I’ve got you…I think you’re going to be disappointed

Show quote history

It’s not a great sign that he is so unfazed about giving you something you won’t like.

How long have you been together?

Are you sure this ring isn’t from a previous relationship?

Yankw · 27/12/2022 22:55

He has a safe! I’m picturing a 12 bedroom mansion with a safe hidden by a secret door!

willstarttomorrow · 27/12/2022 22:56

If you have talked about becoming engaged, surely you have made a decision you are or you are not? If you want a ring then that can then be decided together as the 'big surprise' of him getting down on one knee is irrelevant.

Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 27/12/2022 22:56

luxxlisbon · 27/12/2022 22:54

It’s not a great sign that he is so unfazed about giving you something you won’t like.

How long have you been together?

Are you sure this ring isn’t from a previous relationship?

Show quote history

We’ve been together for three years but been work colleagues/friends for longer.

definitely not from a former relationship

OP posts:
WhatLikeItsHard · 27/12/2022 22:56

Why has it been in a safe for 18 months?

How do you even know it's in there? Did he tell you? And then just not propose because...?

Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 27/12/2022 22:57

Yankw · 27/12/2022 22:55

He has a safe! I’m picturing a 12 bedroom mansion with a safe hidden by a secret door!

Haha not quite ! We both work for the nhs 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 27/12/2022 22:57

No, I chose mine. You have to wear it. If he’s purchased it already, have you seen it?

You can always say nothing and switch it /claim you do t want to damage it.

Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 27/12/2022 22:59

WhatLikeItsHard · 27/12/2022 22:56

Why has it been in a safe for 18 months?

How do you even know it's in there? Did he tell you? And then just not propose because...?

Honestly don’t know. He’s been waiting for me to get divorced……although been split for years. But divorce happened in may and we’ve had a few romantic type weekends away since so he’s had plenty of time ! Not sure what he’s waiting for tbh

he told me and I’ve seen the box

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 27/12/2022 23:00

I’m tempted to buy the one I like and me propose to him 🤣🤣

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2022 23:01

i wouldn’t be hanging around like this, or him thinking it’s okay if you’re disappointed. That’s not nice. It’s like an odd power play.

You're not kids if you were married for 20 years, all this waiting for someone to decide something so big like this for you is weird and a bit cringe. How many more romantic moments or holidays will be ruined by a will he won’t be?

shortpeopleproblems · 27/12/2022 23:04

I always knew I wanted to choose my own. When we had the whole marriage discussion at various points the idea came up of like a 'haribo ring' proposal, so he could still go choose a ring and get down on one knee etc, it was just a cheapy (but still nice) one. I wore it on my other hand for years.

Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 27/12/2022 23:07

shortpeopleproblems · 27/12/2022 23:04

I always knew I wanted to choose my own. When we had the whole marriage discussion at various points the idea came up of like a 'haribo ring' proposal, so he could still go choose a ring and get down on one knee etc, it was just a cheapy (but still nice) one. I wore it on my other hand for years.

That’s what I did with my ex-husband

OP posts:
WhatLikeItsHard · 27/12/2022 23:13

Not sure what he’s waiting for tbh

Ask him. And tell him you'd like to choose your own ring, though 18 months down the line is a bit late to mention it.

If you can't talk to him about it, you probably shouldn't marry him.

Original poster
Bluelightbaby · 27/12/2022 23:16

We talk openly about everything, he’s my best friend and has been for years but it’s more a case that I don’t want to hurt his feelings than I can’t discuss it with him.

OP posts: