Do your parents and in laws get jealous of each other re: DC?

[whitewalls27]

We see my mum every week or so. We take DC to see her.
When we do, it's usually at a place where she is with her friends. Often she'll keep saying "the baby doesn't even know me! She doesn't know who I am!
I'm your grandma!" (Baby is 6mo).

My mum has only been to ours 3 times since the baby was born. We usually go to her.

Anyway, she said to me that she felt left out that we had gone for a meal with in laws because she wasn't invited.
When we go out with my mum, we don't invite in laws and vice versa.

So this time we were going for a meal with in laws and I invited my mum along.

My mum seemed really put out that In laws were cuddling and playing with DC.
She looked really miserable actually and looked like she was giving dirty looks.
I don't think this is intentional but my mum sometimes does this. She is quite passive aggressive (or seems emotionally immature) and will do this weird cough thing to show that she's not happy about something, so she was doing that.

It was a bit awkward really. We don't usually see them all together unless it's a special occasion where everyone is invited so this was quite new for us.

Imo you need to stop pandering to grown ups and start enjoying your own dc.
When I was very young and had just had a dc my dm was at our home. His dps arrived. My dm flounced off home. She chose to jeopardise our relationship.. And tbh it never got any better. I wish I had just left her to it.
Offer up a time either /both can visit. If they choose not to make it their loss. Your dc absolutely does not need adults fighting over her.

It's really unfair on you to do this. I would knock joint activities on the head as it's just going to cause friction. My mum can be like this with my brothers kids as they do seem to spend a bit more time with my SILs family. She's secure in her position with mine though as DH family live quite far away so don't see our kids as often.

I've noticed though that even though they don't see their other grandparents as often they are still close to them and talk about them a lot. So your mum is being silly tbh, and if she keeps it up it will cause her trouble in the long run. Six months old is very young for a meaningful bond to form, it will be there in time.

If she says anything again I'd just say that your husbands parents have as much right to spend time with their grandchildren as she does, and you're not playing favourites. And then try not to get drawn into it if you can. I wouldn't tolerate any dirty looks or passive aggressive comments though.

This post reads to me like you sound against your mum and on your in laws side automatically whatever happened - maybe because there's history between you and your mum? I'm not sure we're reading an entirely accurate account of how things happened here IMO.

I agree don’t pander to your mum. You’re spot on though I’m saying she is passive aggressive and emotionally immature. Don’t play the game.

Unless parents actively get on it is alway odd having both sets of parents together. It didn’t work, don’t do it again.

My inlaws get a bit weird about my parents looking after my DC for the day sometimes but they live miles away so we aren't likely to ever do the same with them

Oh and my mum is a bit like this. We barely even see my in laws because they live so far away, but my kids enjoy time with my MIL so much more than with my mum.
you often get back what you put out. If your a passive aggressive, negative moaner…..even kids pick up on that.

What an utterly bizarre tale from the opening post. Projecting much?

*take

It’s not odd. They’re all adults and share the same dgc.
If they can’t get on then they need to learn how for the dgc.
My dd has a baby and we all just had Christmas at her in laws.
I am delighted to see my dd’s mil enjoying being with her dgc and I know she feels the same for me.
Surely a dgc being with so many people who love them is something to treasure.

Yes, frustratingly so. I don't mention now when the other grandma has cared for DC unless it's relevant or imperative. I don't understand why people have such a possessive claim over a child that isn't theirs. Sounds like your mum has seen her quite a bit so it seems unfair to be annoyed at you.

My in laws were actually fine. They didn't seem bothered by anything.
It was just my mum really. She doesn't really know them. And I'm not sure what she was expecting.
She got her phone out and was just texting because I think she felt uncomfortable.

I was then trying to get the baby to pass to my mum so she didn't feel left out. I realised how anxious I felt the whole time which was awful.
I kept saying to DP 'pass the baby to my mum'
DP was like 'right, in a minute'.
I ended up saying it 3 times. It was purely because I could see my mums face.
I didn't know if she was hurt, upset, angry, uncomfortable or all of them together!

She will ask me things like 'so how often do in-laws see DC then?'

I tell my mum she can come and see DC whenever she wants but she doesn't come to the house which means we always go to hers.

No, none of mine did.

However, my advice would be not to pander to her.
She isn't a friend of your PiL - why would you invite her a long to a meal with them ?
Generally Grandparents meet when it is your wedding, or something to do with the Grandchildren, and hopefully on those occasions everyone will get along. That's where the relationship ends for most. Obviously there will be exceptions where they just happen to hit it off, or potentially where they already were friends, but there is no expectation that the parents of both halves of a couple need to go out together.

@UsingChangeofName
It was really because she specifically said she felt left out which really took me by surprise. She said 'You didn't invite me when you went for a meal the other week. I was left out. I felt left out'.
I was so shocked when she said it. So this time I invited her.

Ha no my in laws weren't that interested. It was on us to call them and arrange a visit, and often it was 'we'll let you know' (retired and not particularly social - I mean it's not like they were out and about a lot). So no jealousy there!

My in laws do i think, despite never coming to us, never offering to help, never really interacting with the kids, demanding we always go to theirs and drop everything for them. So obviously the children enjoy my family more. You get what you give.

”I was then trying to get the baby to pass to my mum so she didn't feel left out.”

^ I would be really wary of doing this. Using your baby to try and meet your mums needs. It’s not a good behaviour pattern to start.

Has your mum often made you feel guilty for things or emotionally manipulated you? Just wondering if there is a wider context of behaviour here.

Yes but we only have this problem with the in-laws that live far away.
My parents see my DC weekly and are very hands on - playing, walks in the park etc. The other close by grandparents are also very hands on.
The jealousy comes when the "far away" ones find out DC are looked after or seen regularly by the other grandparents and have a wonderful time. What they fail to realise is if they put their devices down and switched off the TV, interacted with DC even if its just a game or a walk, they'd be a lot more enthusiastic with them too.
Don't pander to it. It's your mums responsibility to build a relationship which you are clearly trying to facilitate.

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow

Yes, you're absolutely right.
At the time, my anxiety was through the roof. I was so conscious of how my mum was feeling, I just wanted her to feel ok and included, and passing her the baby was a way I thought to do this.

I have always been conscious of pleasing my parents. They have been emotionally manipulative in my childhood. My dad was more so, but he has died now.
My mum wasn't as bad (she went along with whatever my dad did), she seems quite immature and 'victim' like and I have often taken care of her needs even at the expense of my own.

When my mums food arrived, my MIL said 'oh I'll have her a moment as your food has arrived'.
MIL took the baby from my mum.
My mum looked really put out and pissed off.
MIL had hold of the baby and I noticed the baby looking at my mum so I kept saying 'mum, look, the baby is looking at you'.
My mum barely looked up so I said it again and she briefly looked at the baby.

I realise now that was another way I was trying to make my mum feel better.

I have always been conscious of pleasing my parents. They have been emotionally manipulative in my childhood. My dad was more so, but he has died now.
My mum wasn't as bad (she went along with whatever my dad did), she seems quite immature and 'victim' like and I have often taken care of her needs even at the expense of my own.

But it isn't your job to arrange everything around your Mum's emotional manipulation. You are a parent now yourself. You need to put your dd's needs first and also to think about your needs.

The answer to She said 'You didn't invite me when you went for a meal the other week. I was left out. I felt left out'. was - "Well, no, we were seeing PiL. I'm seeing you now. We don't have to do everything altogether. Sometimes I see friends, sometimes I see {insert whoever else you might spend time with}, and sometimes we see you."

Op you sound like you have quite a good level of awareness of your mums behaviour and how you react to it. I think that in itself is very positive. You’re a good person so you were trying to make her feel better, but I think with people like your mum to have to get comfortable with upsetting them, because no matter what you do they will never be happy and will always want more from you.

Maybe you and your OH could have a chat together about how you might move forward in a way that is best for your and your baby. I think that is likely to mean being quite boundaried about what behaviour you accept from your mum and by working hard to make sure you prioritise yourself and your baby above your mum (even if that means your mum tantruming/being upset/ moaning to others).

my mum is very similar and when I had my first child the toxic behaviour became so much more apparent. However I found I was much more assertive with her when I had the motivation of not wanting her shitty behaviour to impact my child.

I could have written this! OP I feel your pain

You’re going to have to face up to this and confront it. Confront your past and tell yourself you’re not that powerless little girl anymore, you’re a grown woman with a partner, home and now child. You don’t have responsibility for your mother’s mood.

so TELL HER. Whenever she moans say “you are more than welcome to come to us, we see you most weeks. There’s no need for the passive aggressive stuff, you’re not hard done by and you you think you’re left out but you’re not. You could do more but you won’t because you want it all on your terms.”

then breathe! If she’s unhappy it’s because she is choosing to be.

Yes I agree. It's not odd at all and in my family and husbands family, we all get on and all spend Christmas together, my family and his family etc. Same with my sister's in-laws, they spend time with our parents and my family too.

Your mum sounds odd OP. Jealous of the in laws?!! It's bizarre and all very teenage drama.

You sound like a lovely generous mum/daughter. So refreshing to read a post from a mum who actually wants GPs involvement and is doing her best to facilitate it. I don't think you can do any more, and should stop worrying. You've opened up your family to both sides and after that if they're not seeing enough of DD or feel the bond isn't as they'd like it, that's on them isn't it? They all know where to find DD and your mum should take responsibility herself for getting to know her.

We see my mum every week or so. We take DC to see her.
When we do, it's usually at a place where she is with her friends

I'm curious as to why you take the baby when your mum is with other people. Why do you not go to her house? I can't imagine having built the same relationship with my grandbaby if my contact with her had been in a public place of sorts, with my friends around.