To think I’ve made a stupid stupid mistake

[Embelline]

I slept with my best friend over Christmas.

and if that isn’t bad enough there is a whole complicated backstory and he can be a bit of a shit.

my original thread is here:
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4563222-aibu-to-think-this-is-really-shitty-of-him?page=1

but basically I’ve known him forever, he made a pass at me when I was married, got nasty when I turned him down then told me DH was cheating and that was why he had done it. I thought it was a malicious lie but it turned out to be true.

the last few months have been really hard, dealing with the adjustment to life on my own etc and although I didn’t speak to friend for a month or two, I was weak and found myself wanting his support. So we fell back into being friends and I put all the other stuff in the back of my mind because, I’ll be honest, it suited me to do it. I was alone and felt devastated and I wanted to be able to lean on him, I knew he would be there for me.

nothing untoward had happened, I had convinced myself what happened before wasn’t as big of a deal. anyway I’ve found Christmas a struggle. Yesterday I was without DS. Family all busy. Friend came over and we watched films and drank too much and I think I just wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to have a moment of recklessness instead of responsibility. I instigated it ffs knowing too well he still had feelings for me.

im a truly awful person. He is ecstatic, and I don’t know how I feel. About anything.

what do I do now? I am so ashamed of myself for messing with his feelings when I don’t know how I feel.

ive fucked everything up haven’t I? And DH will be so smug if he finds out or if friend and I actually get together as he used my friendship as one of the reasons he was on dating sites and didn’t believe there was nothing going on.

what a mess. I deserve all the harsh judgements I’m going to get on here.

I remember your thread, he's a nasty twat and you should cut him off completely.

It will be fine, don't worry

So the only shitty thing about your friend, who you love (and who loves you back), is that he made a pass at you when he knew DH was cheating on you? If that’s right, I think you should stop freaking out and give this a go.

... and that when she turned him down he was really nasty to her.

OP, he sounds like your typical Nice Guy playing a long game. I think you should get rid.

You've made a mistake.

Stop the self-flagellation and imagining.

Correct the mistake. Tell him you regret it and it won't happen again.

Move on with your life focusing on skills, hobbies, friendships and family.

@Notthetoothfairy he got pretty nasty with me when I turned down his advances before, which is why we fell out to begin with.
I don’t know how I feel about him, I just feel totally panicked by the whole thing.

You won’t get any from me. Who cares what your DTBEH thinks? Was it fun? How do you feel for this friend now?

Either way, what’s done is done so style it out, laugh it off.

New Year, new slate. Wash that ex out of your hair and move forward.

Don't feel bad for wanting a shag, if you wanted it at the time and it filled a hole (ha!) then that is fine.

If things are more complicated and he is a twat as a pp said then thankfully sexual relations no longer mean you are shackled for life.

Take time, decide what you want, but don't give any head space to your cheating nob of STBXH

It was fun, to those asking. It was amazing actually, and in the moment it was the best I have felt in ages. Not somebody’s soon to be ex, not somebody’s mother, some friend to pity because her life has caved in.

but then in the cold light of day, I have such anxiety about what happened, I think mainly the fact that I instigated it, I don’t know, as well as the fact it happened. I know it’s just sex when it comes down to it, but at the same time because of everything, its
not.

@Lhoevaelth i don’t know how I feel about him now which I think is also a massive part of the problem

Oh gosh, give yourself a break, why are you being so hard on yourself when you are the only person in this whole story who hasn't behaved badly? It's just sex so drop the guilt, whether you do it again is up to you. Obviously be careful because he has shown you another, not so pleasant side of him but don't give any headspace to your dumbass ex. This is so none of his business, horrible cheating bastard

I can't see the big deal - you are separated from your partner and fully entitled to have a one night stand! Don't beat yourself up.

Had the friend been a good friend it might not be worth endangering the friendship over, but he doesn't sound that nice.

Thank you you’re all being much kinder than I expected.

it feels like a huge deal, I don’t really know why. I wasn’t expecting to feel so panicked about it today.

ive got a night on my own tonight and am actually spending it on my own, resisting the urge to ask friend over, and I’m going to watch terrible Christmas films and try not to overthink everything.

thanks to everyone who took the time to post, you’ve made me feel a bit better. @MolliciousIntent i haven’t forgotten what he said before. Like I said, I have been pathetically weak since this all kicked offZ

Well I don’t have any willpower it seems as he came round again last night in the end. I think I’ll take posters advice and just have a bit of fun and see where it goes.
i did explain to him last night that I don’t know how I feel or what I want from it but he didn’t seem upset by that at all. Just said he had waited so long a bit longer wouldn’t make a difference to him.

The problem will come when you start to back away. He sees you are a reward for waiting for so long, he isn't going to let go quite so easily.

Be REALLY careful- he told you your DH was cheating but only because it suited him/spite. What's to stop him telling your soon to be ex about the two of you?

I've been back and read your other thread (ps are you aware of the nc fail?)

I have a different view point to the pp, I don't think he was a twat. I think he handled things badly but I believe that, as he had never done anything like that before, that it was driven by finding out your DH was cheating. He has obviously cared about you for years but sometimes it is seeing that person get badly treated/hurt that makes a person realise quite how much they mean.

Don't let your STBXH have any space in your head, if he had kept his penis in his pants the situation you are in now.

As for the friend, just take it easy and keep checking it is what you want and keep talking to the friend. Life is short, have fun.

Perhaps you needed this to happen.
You have choices, but who cares what people say, an ex or otherwise.
Good on you for being spontaneous, and it was good, right?
That is all I would think when you feel anxious.
Stop worrying, look for a more regular Good tike I say!

in his pants you wouldn't* be in the situation you are now.

Truly who cares what your ex husband thinks about any of it, it’s none of his business. Don’t beat yourself up, you had fun and don’t need to feel bad. Try not to embroil yourself in anything serious with this friend though, take a step back and find you, friends, hobbies, dating etc rather than unintentionally end up in a serious relationship without a breather.

@MrsRobinsonsHandprints yes I realised when I posted but thanks - my (female) friend stayed over on and off this yeR when she was working near us and we kept each forgetting to log out when using my iPad so our post histories are… interesting! I should just set up a new username really.

thanks for all the posts just reading through them now.

@Blueberrywitch I’m just worried that if he found out he would feel vindicated in all the lies he’s been telling about me getting with friend (which I never ever did while we were together and only now has it actually happened, months after) and will get even nastier.

Just thought I’d update. We are still seeing each other but haven’t put an official name on it and I’m actually really happy. I don’t know where it’s going to go if anywhere but after the mess of the last year I am happy just to have something that’s easy and doesn’t make me anxious or stress me out (I know I started out really anxious about it when it first happened!) so just wanted to thank those posters who said get on with it if it’s making you happy.