Control freak FIL

[wordywitch]

My FIL has always been a difficult man to be around. He’s very controlling about his house and environment, with things needing to be to his exact requirements or he freaks out. He can’t stand noise or mess and dislikes change. For that reason he and my MIL (who is lovely) rarely come to our house, we always go to theirs. FIL doesn’t even like going out to eat very often as he’s a fussy eater and likes things that he’s used to.

He’s a good man and generally kind, but he is very boring to talk to. Never asks anyone about themselves, just drones on for ages about whatever interests him (traffic, the weather, politics, or stuff he did years ago, mainly). My teenage children find him hard to relate to and during our visits their interactions with him are limited. We used to live nearby so would come round for the afternoon and in short bursts but we recently moved further away so when we went for Christmas we stayed over for two nights. It didn’t go particularly well.

FIL has this bizarre insistence on directing me and my husband into and out of the driveway when we arrive and leave, despite us having cameras and sensors for reversing and being perfectly competent drivers. I’ve tried to overlook it and just grit my teeth at being infantilised but on Christmas Eve when we arrived he also insisted on going with me to the shop to ‘direct’ me even though I’ve been to it many times over the years and knew precisely where it was and how to get there. He not only ‘directed’ me but told me how to drive the whole way there, telling me to look both ways when pulling out of side roads and telling me to indicate, where to park, and so on. It was weird.

The rest of the visit, he was constantly irritated at all of us if we so much as put a plate in the wrong place or got our own drink from the fridge as he has an ‘order’ to the drinks that are to be removed to his specification of how chilled they are. He must have said ‘No, not there!’ Or ‘No, not like that!’ a thousand times over two days. By Boxing Day morning I’d had enough of tiptoeing around him and insisted we left after breakfast.

AIBU to think that my FIL has extreme anxiety and control issues that need to be addressed and not just swept under the carpet as ‘the way he is’? My MIL and DH are aware he’s difficult and try to minimise the impact on me and our DC but frankly I’m tired of his behaviour going unchallenged and no one accepting that this is not normal and we (and he) shouldn’t be living like this.

What does he say when you tell him you don't need help parking your car?

Why did you let him come in your car to the shops?

Stop going round if you don't like his behaviour

Everything you don't like is being enabled by you. You need to either call him out on it or stop going round

Did you not read any of what I wrote?!

Limit your exposure. Now is the perfect time. Establish a new Christmas routine where you stay at home with DP & DC, & visit ILs for a short, manageable time. A lot of families do this to establish their own Christmas rituals.
Your MIL is complicit in his behaviour, so he won’t change, the only thing you can do is reduce your exposure, while still being respectful, and honouring the relationship with a short visit.
You may get blowback, as they may complain you aren’t staying long enough, but stick to your guns.
I know a number of families who were subservient to a paterfamilias and family rituals; when they inevitably passed, these families would have nothing created of their own to fall back on. This is an opportunity. Good luck!

My Dad is similar in lots of ways. He is undoubtedly a narcissist and very emotionally volatile. He had a traumatic childhood event (dad dying suddenly at 15) but he is an arsehole to his family when the tiniest bit challenged.

I won’t go down the list of things he does, but he’s very similar, especially the driving.

Unfortunately age accentuates this rather than mellows them out. My husband finds him very hard to be around. The only thing you can do is change how you react and whether that’s sucking it up and ignoring it, or refusing to stay, you’ll have to decide.

Could he be autistic or neurodiverse? It sounds a lot like my youngest dd who has symptoms of asd.

As the parent of a teen with asd, I suspect that the FiL's need for control is rooted in anxiety and that he'd love not to feel like that but that it's unlikely to change. But "content" ? No one should be "content" to micro manage other people, even if they find themselves unable to do otherwise. And its not ableism to point out that its not very comfortable to be on the receiving end of such behaviour.

I too would have sat utterly bemused and drove to the shop FIL in toe.

I had a member of my family like this and they were absolutely unbearable and you had my full sympathy
the saddest part ? MIL.
I bet she absolutely CRINGES at his behaviour and is mortified he makes hurts unwelcome

its doing no one favours if he doesn’t get help

that control is not normal and sounds like OCD type behaviour, which is awful both for the sufferer and for those around.

Just to give a glimmer of hope, I have a family member who is exactly like this and is very likely neurodivergent.

It peaked when he was in his mid seventies but, incredibly, age has actually mellowed him. I was astonished to hear him say that it didn’t matter how I put things away after washing-up. The pandemic reawakened a desire to control everything around him, but (now in his eighties) he is still much better than he was.

As your kids are now teenagers, you are getting to the point where they start to have lives independent of you. Which is very handy for reasons not to visit overnight or at Christmas etc. The younger one is spending Boxing day with boyfriend/girlfriend's family or older one is volunteering for part of Xmas day at a food bank or whatever.

Your FIL sounds a nightmare, but that is how he is, and not too dissimilar to some elderly male relatives in our extended family.

I think you just have to grin and bear it and try to avoid overnight stays if at all possible.

You will never change him, so keep visits to a minimum.

The thing about the cold drinks....How did he ever cope with a child?