Control freak FIL

[wordywitch]

My FIL has always been a difficult man to be around. He’s very controlling about his house and environment, with things needing to be to his exact requirements or he freaks out. He can’t stand noise or mess and dislikes change. For that reason he and my MIL (who is lovely) rarely come to our house, we always go to theirs. FIL doesn’t even like going out to eat very often as he’s a fussy eater and likes things that he’s used to.

He’s a good man and generally kind, but he is very boring to talk to. Never asks anyone about themselves, just drones on for ages about whatever interests him (traffic, the weather, politics, or stuff he did years ago, mainly). My teenage children find him hard to relate to and during our visits their interactions with him are limited. We used to live nearby so would come round for the afternoon and in short bursts but we recently moved further away so when we went for Christmas we stayed over for two nights. It didn’t go particularly well.

FIL has this bizarre insistence on directing me and my husband into and out of the driveway when we arrive and leave, despite us having cameras and sensors for reversing and being perfectly competent drivers. I’ve tried to overlook it and just grit my teeth at being infantilised but on Christmas Eve when we arrived he also insisted on going with me to the shop to ‘direct’ me even though I’ve been to it many times over the years and knew precisely where it was and how to get there. He not only ‘directed’ me but told me how to drive the whole way there, telling me to look both ways when pulling out of side roads and telling me to indicate, where to park, and so on. It was weird.

The rest of the visit, he was constantly irritated at all of us if we so much as put a plate in the wrong place or got our own drink from the fridge as he has an ‘order’ to the drinks that are to be removed to his specification of how chilled they are. He must have said ‘No, not there!’ Or ‘No, not like that!’ a thousand times over two days. By Boxing Day morning I’d had enough of tiptoeing around him and insisted we left after breakfast.

AIBU to think that my FIL has extreme anxiety and control issues that need to be addressed and not just swept under the carpet as ‘the way he is’? My MIL and DH are aware he’s difficult and try to minimise the impact on me and our DC but frankly I’m tired of his behaviour going unchallenged and no one accepting that this is not normal and we (and he) shouldn’t be living like this.

My dad was always a bit controlling but it had become more intense with age. Anxiety is also a big thing - and he speaks to my sister and I like we are silly children.

it’s difficult to be around - if we call it out he huffs or laughs incredulously like we are being unbelievably ridiculous.

i really do sympathise- it’s hard especially when you spend a lot of time with him.

i am trying to accept that he will never change and I just need to learn to live with it - and vent with my sister!

I now strongly suspect my fil has undiagnosed Nd and yes...he has made poor.dh life a misery and then mine also. Dealing with any one's extreme Quirk's is hard work when they present themselves as totally rationale and normal.

I think with some people we just need to learn coping mechanisms. He isn't a bad man, he is just different to what you are used to. I prefer quirky people, dh's family are all the bouncy, popular, cool types, whereas my lovely family are all a little odd and much nicer with it.

It's hard to be on someone's space when they are watching your every move and you can't help yourselves to drinks etc and constantly told off.

That's not someone being fun and quirky! That's someone invading your right to move around freely.

This is very different territory.

i don’t think you have ever had to cope with a highly controlling individual who has intense anxiety! It’s not a quirky personality type that is the opposite of cool. It’s not a little odd! It’s being constantly
corrected, controlled and berated! Surely you aren’t saying you enjoy being controlled and lectured?

I can relate to this my DF is extremely controlling and growing up in that environment was miserable, visiting now is just as bad as the behaviour is more noticeable as I'm less used to/immune to it. He is obsessed with potential burglary, house fires, mess etc some of his ideas and just nuts tbh and yet he is in fact very clever and well educated. Should anyone or anything challenge his control its met with rage, if you point out some of his beliefs aren't logical again it's met with rage. He has no empathy at all for anyone else I am beginning to wonder if he is maybe neuro diverse after reading lots of the threads on MN but I'm not sure what could be done to help him now as he's elderly and is in the final stage of dementia. I'm not sure he would even have accepted help even if we could have got a firm diagnosis. But it would have made my childhood/teenage years a lot more bearable.

Tara, exactly.

It sounds like your FIL is very happy with his ASD life which runs as he would like it.

Accepting him for who he is would be by far the easiest way.

I have pulled over and stopped the car when my MIL decided to back seat drive the whole way - she doesn't do it anymore! However everything else she does I just smile and nod. She's happy and our visits are short enough for me to let it roll over me.

Undiagnosed neurodivergent there without a shadow of a doubt!

As someone with diagnosed ASD, I do recognise myself in the description of FIL, but it's not an excuse to make your guests miserable fgs. Poor OP is also a human being with feelings and being relentlessly harangued over the festive period isn't fun for anyone.

Totally agree frosty. I am highly neurodiverse myself and can struggle with people in my space -but the key here is the lack of any capacity to understand how anyone else feels about being constantly criticised and bossed around. This may well be Asd (which several members of my own family have) but feeling stressed by being constantly controlled and criticised is not 'ableism' (for heavens sake!!) And to brefugee, the poster bragging about how assertive they are and thus would never happen to them- you sound naturally rude and oblivious to others yourself. Anyone with any empathy or sense of propriety would feel uncomfortable about being near this man and his very difficult behaviour. I agree the op should stop seeing him but this is not an easy decision as he is her husbands father. Posters on here talk so much self satisfied rubbish sometimes.

I think he sounds a little like a narcissist and I am not one of those people who bandy that term around.

One of the main traits of narcissism is the intrinsic, almost subconscious belief (one which they never question themselves about) that nobody knows how to do anything as well as they do (hence the telling you how to drive etc). It is a genuine, whole hearted belief which they are utterly convinced of, that they are either the only ones who know how to do something or that they are the one to know it best above anyone else.

If he has any other self-focused behaviours, then it may be something to consider.

i think he might be autistic

My MIL sounds a bit like this. Not the driving but the home stuff. She was mentally abused by her mum as girl although she will deny it ever affected her. However she now has to be complete control, hates surprises and disorder and her house is so tidy and clean. I get told off for doing things wrong! My DH is very good at managing her though. Anyway does your FIL have anything in his past to make him want to control everything?

@SchnauzerEyebrows

What are examples of other self focused behaviour? I don't understand the term?

@SchnauzerEyebrows and why narcissistic and not autistic?

I get that you would want the best for him and you do really know that you can't change this fir him or make him do anything, he would have to want to change this. Given he's lived with this all of his life its unlikely. My DBIL is like this and has got more extreme the older he has got and since he has retired.

I imagine he's had a lifetime of being comfortable like he is, he won't change now. Sure you can ask him if he would like to be happier by becoming more relaxed about things, but it's probably a hornet's nest for him, he'd never be brave enough to unpack his own behaviours & why he behaves as he does.

If he's anything like the anxious people I know he truly believes he's doing best & he would be a negligent unsafe bad person if he didn't try so hard to make everything "right" the way it's supposed to be.

He sounds exactly like my 79 year old father, who is almost certainly on the ASD spectrum, and whose reluctance to deviate from routine has got far more pronounced with age. I sympathise. It can be very difficult to be around, especially the lengthy monologues about the detail of something only of interest to him, recounted with absolutely no sense of his hearers, eg. 20-minute retelling of his recent dental work told to two total strangers in a car park.

www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm

Autism & Narcissism do NOT display the same behaviours! That's insulting, I have a child with ASD who is the least self centred person on the planet!

Honestly it's very unlikely he'll change now in fact it will probably get worse with age.
Having said that I wouldn't skirt around it anymore. If you're asked at next Xmas, I'd decline saying that it was clear last year that fil couldn't cope and that ht wouldn't be fair on either family to repeat it.

@@SchnauzerEyebrows

I'm not at all saying, declaring it does.

I'm interested in why someone has said autism but someone else said narcissism.

My FIL is like this. That's why I no longer spend time in his company. Hell will freeze over before I allow him to control and remark on every single little thing I do. He even tried to pull that shit in my home. I'm not having it.

I agree with PP OP that there very likely is no 'cure' for his issues diagnosed or not. He probably just struggles with visitors and a break to his routine, so by all means make it easier for him by not visiting for long stretches but don't kid yourself that you're trying to help by bringing this up. He could probably mask a little better but that would still make everyone uncomfortable knowing he was incredibly stressed and hiding it. Better all round to just accept his quirk and keep visits at a level that don't drive you all insane.