AIBU to think DM did this on purpose?

[DairyDiary]

My DM and DDad had a bad divorce twenty years ago and my DM still hasn’t moved on - both as bad as each other in my opinion. DM has always had issues with me seeing DDad and, as an adult, I see him once or twice a year - I see my DM every other week or so. So much closer to DM. Last Boxing Day, I told my DM we were going to see DDad (she asked) and she got really upset (borderline hysterical), sobbing, saying how nasty we were and that Boxing Day was her favourite part of Christmas! So, this year, we planned to see my DDad on the 27th (and not to tell DM).

Yesterday, I posted some pictures on Facebook of my Christmas and my DDad’s partner commented that she’s looking forward to seeing us today. Before I saw it, my DM liked it - but she didn’t say anything to me. After last year, I don’t want to raise it.

I’m currently breastfeeding DD and she’s CMPA. As a result, I very quickly developed issues with dairy if I have any. Whenever we tried going up the milk ladder, DD was fine but I would get very unwell. Yesterday afternoon, DM asked if I’d like a hot chocolate and I said yes assuming she’d make it with my alternative milk/cream. Soon afterwards, I started having chest pains and palpitations, sweating and shivering. I’ve been vomiting all night, horrendous diarrhoea and I feel awful. Turns out, DM “forgot” and made it with real milk and cream (and a lot of it).

AIBU to think this was intentional to stop me from seeing DDad?

I think you already know the answer to that, and if not, it's indicitive of the relationship you have that you think its the most plausible explanation. Question is, what are you going to do about it?

Sorry but you know she did it on purpose. As the poster above asked, what are you going to do about it?

You are entitled to have a relationship with your dad and her behaviour dounds abusive.

I think it is extremely unlikely that a normal person with normal morals would deliberately poison their child like this.

On the other hand, knowing full well my son is lactose intolerant, I have totally absent mindedly poisoned him once by pouring normal milk into his porridge without thinking.

Thankfully he understood it was accidental and forgave me

Well, maybe assuming she’d remember a fairly sudden onset dairy allergy might have been foolish on your part, you should have checked.
That said, she should not be interfering in your relationship with your father. You need to shut that behaviour down as soon as it starts.

If you think your DM is capable of poisoning both her DD and DGD intentionally then there is no way she should remain in your life surely?

God that’s a terrible thing to accuse you mum of with no real evidence. Surely it’s much more plausible that she just forgot about your very recent allergy given you didn’t remind her?

If she’s really so manipulative and nasty as to intentionally make you sick then why would you ever see her again? Tbh it’s been 20 years so she should get over it by now anyway

Your poor Dad. Sounds like you've utterly sidelined him to appease your toxic mother.

And you wonder why your dad divorced her

and why his subsequent wife is so nice…

of course she did it on purpose. The FB like with no other reaction is your proof.

you’re not safe at your mums and neither is your dd. Step waaaaaay back.

It definitely sounds like she did it on purpose!
That’s not someone I’d want in my life.
Hopefully you are still able to go.

@MzHz

Where does it say OP wonders why they got divorced?

Ah I'm sorry Op my mum hasn't gone as far as poisoning me but she is a fucking nightmare when it comes to my dad.

If you really think she has gone this far this needs to be it for you and her now.

As a rule do you drink hot chocolate?

Was it odd that she offered to make one?

It's surely plausible that she forgot but you don't think so.

That says an awful lot about what you think of her.

I’m wondering why you didn’t remind her, was it some kind of test??
Of course it was an accident, but you really do need to get your head straight if that’s where your mind’s immediately going.

Either she did it non purpose, in which case you should have nothing to do with her.

Or she forgot that you are lactose intolerant, surprised that you didn't notice the taste difference, which is either thoughtless or an accident.

The second scenario is surely much more likely. And yet your mind jumped to the first

Yeah that’s the kind of accidental mistake my mother would make. I’m nc now.

throughout my teenage years I can’t tell you how many of my favourite clothes were accidentally ruined in the wash for example.

whehter or not she actually did it to be honest is less significant than the fact that you think she might have. It wouldn’t cross your mind if she wasn’t unbalanced.

Have you confronted her yet?

I absolutely won’t be confronting her. I didn’t remind her because everything I’ve eaten over the four days we’ve been staying here has been dairy free. DSis has a range of allergies so DM is used to allergies being around and using different milks etc.

It's hard for people who don't have parents like your mum to understand. They'll assume you are jumping to conclusions because they can't imagine a parent doing something like that to their own child. They wouldn't do it, and their own mum wouldn't do it. But not all of us are that lucky. From your OP it's clear that your mum has form and its not out of the blue that you would assume something like this. Fair enough you don't want to confront her. She'll only deny anyway, and even if she didn't I'm sure you know from bitter experience that it will change nothing. Does she have anything to do with your children? Anything she would do to you, she would also do to your children. That now needs to be your priority.

I’m vegan ,
I always check anyone making me a drink uses oat or soya milk
surely, you , knowing how I’ll you could be from cows milk does the same .
if you forgot to check it was not cows milk ,you can’t blame her for not remembering either .

You remind your family members that you’re vegan every time they make you a drink?! Surely they’ve said “I bloody know, stop telling me” with a strong eye roll by now?

But was that the night before he was going to do something you didn't want him to do? Was it just after you found out he was going to do it? Was it after you had a massive tantrum last year when you found out he was doing the same thing?

This woman seems anything but rational, and the timing of her 'absent minded slip up' is extremely suspicious

No, I don't think she did it on purpose. Since your allergy is so new, she likely forgot.
It's up to you to check your food and drinks.

Nobody here can possibly know whether your mum fed you dairy products on purpose or whether it was a mistake. But I would say that a parent who cries and gets hysterical at an adult child because they choose to see their other parent is someone is behaving appallingly and is a toxically selfish and manipulative individual.

Presumably you’ve been dairy free for less than 6m though? Which in the context of your mum giving your dairy milk your whole life isn’t terribly long for it to sink in. Obviously you know your mum best, but honest slip up seems more likely than deliberate poisoning attempt surely?