To leave because my mum is making things so difficult.

[Helplesstohelp22]

My mum has chronic pain and an acute severe cold on top. She missed most of Xmas because of this and my dad did it all. I had a really nice time and have been doing a lot for her to help - bringing food and drink, doing cleaning.

The problem is she isn't improving in terms of the cold, won't take any paracetamol/take comfort measures and is now taking out her pain and anger on my dad. Refusing to see a doctor, insisting she's improving when she isn't, not using her asthma inhalers.

She can be really, really nasty when she's angry and I haven't seen this side of her since I was a child and I can't go through those emotions again. I was a very mentally unwell child due to the dynamic between my parents, but mum mellowed with time and dad learnt not to wind her up as much (he's passive aggressive and can put her down when he's frustrated - certainly no angel).

But tonight she told him to fuck off for switching on a light in his own house. And she looked at him with pure disgust and hatred. He's had his own health problems but would never do that. She also had a longer rant at him with some very unpleasant words. Dad had been quietly watching TV and she didn't like the noise but used me as the reason why he needed to turn it down (I didn't care) and I felt like I was being used.

I know the answer is to go home. But I liked being there to help her. Things were good. Now I just feel so sad about Christmas and am troubled by memories of the past. I was so unhappy and I've just been sat in my childhood bedroom wishing I could be anywhere else.

I’d definitely leave OP. If being there is having a negative effect on your mental health, it’s not worth the stress. I’d also tell your mum exactly why you are leaving.

To be honest they're both so frail given they're only in their early sixties, both with chronic illness, and I know any bad illness could hospitalise them.

I live 2.5hrs away and when I am at work in a healthcare job I'm painfully aware that i miss them and wish I could see them more before they die.

I know they could live a decade or more but they're so poorly that I don't believe it. I feel so guilty for living so far away and like a bad daughter.

I just wanted a happy Christmas memory. Nothing perfect. Just some time with them. I feel so guilty going home early.

You're not going to get your happy Christmas memories. You're getting a horrible and upsetting revisit of your childhood.

Be kind to yourself and just go home. You can't change anything there. It is not wrong to leave.

I'd suggest some therapy to help work through things. So sorry you've had a bad time.

Thanks. It just came as a shock because she's been on what is I guess "good behaviour" when I've seen her for a day at a time and I thought she'd grown and changed. We haven't had an incident like this for ages.

But dad confided in me that she's been nasty to him for months. I just haven't seen it because she's always happy to see me and the Hyde part of her has been suppressed by her joy

My mum was chronically unwell towards the end of her life. Unfortunately she was also nasty with it and short tempered. There were no happy memories to be had at Christmas by that point. Try to remember the good Christmas memories you already have with your parents OP.

You can't change the dynamic between your parents. It's sad but honestly they're likely to become further entrenched in their positions as they age and you don't need to witness that as there's literally nothing you can - or should - do.
its only going to upset you further. Get home and try to chill before you have to go back to work.

I’m truly sorry that you have had such an unpleasant Christmas. Without banging on too much about my own problematic childhood/Christmas I really do feel like I can relate - my own mum sounds a lot like yours - one minute she can be the mumsiest mum and the next she can be unbelievably nasty (in my mums case alcohol abuse is a big factor). She’s currently staying with an older relative, and I would love to spend more time with that relative but I can’t when she’s around, because spending more than half a day with her usually becomes quite traumatic. In any case, I just wanted to tell you to try and not feel too bad about putting yourself first and leaving when things get too much for you (I say “try” because I know it’s easier said than done). As painful as it is to witness this kind of behaviour, you can’t control how they behave - they are adults and need to realise that their actions can drive people away if left unchecked. They denied you a normal healthy childhood - try to limit how much they take from you now.

I hope next Christmas is a better one for you.

Me too with the difficult mother and weak dad. In a similar situation I left, saying why, and started to set boundaries. She eventually got the message and became a little less aggressive. I felt bad about my dad being stuck with her but as PP says, their relationship is theirs to address - you are not responsible for that. Take care of your own emotional health and do what's right for you.

Just go home OP.

Your mother has what is called the 'power of self determination' so if she doesn't want to take medication you can't make her.

Also I agree that your parents' negative dynamics are not your problem.

I have lost track of how many childhood Sunday lunches were ruined by my mother shouting about something. I left home as soon as I could.

If she started her antics on one of my subsequent visits, I just got up said "I'm not listening to your abuse", picked up my bags and walked out. She began to tone it down, which proved to me that she could control her behaviour.

Sometimes you just need to walk away to protect your own mental health.

Of course you can leave them to their mutual misery.

It frustrates me when people won’t follow treatment plans and behave horribly to people who care.

Having said that, is she taking any medication at all? I’ve been prescribed stuff for persistent pain that sent me loopy, and a bit loopier still for a while coming off it. But my family were all fully aware and ‘primed’ for it iyswim.

Its not fair to leave loved ones in the dark and floundering.

If OP’s mum was male, OP would be told the mother is an abusers, she is a victim and must flee into the night to a refuge.

We have this exact situation on another thread, except the man said the F word in front of wife and kids. Cue 20 pages of posters telling the OP she must flee for her life with her kids. I see the sexism and hypocrisy is strong on here.

Hope you are ok OP.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I barely slept due to some weird adrenaline from memories of my childhood.

Woke up and dad very guiltily said he was going out for the day and did not invite me. So I'm stuck with her (I don't have a car).

I am unfortunately stuck here because my dad will need to drive me home. I plan to go for a long walk.

I am considering getting the train but not sure I can carry 2 suitcases.

She won't take any medication, no. She's always been resistant to medication - when I was a kid I was never once given paracetamol other than Calpol when very small. It was a revelation the day my GP suggested I take a painkiller for a headache and it took the pain away!

I've informed dad that I'm leaving tomorrow and he is crushed. He wanted us to go to the coast for a day out.

He's been trying to placate mum all day. She's hiding in her room stonewalling us both. He made her a cup of tea and she let it go cold in the kitchen. He made dinner and she refused it. He invited her to watch TV and instead she stomped about tidying up and refused help when she struggled on her crutches.

If anything he should be the one sulking after how she spoke to him.

I feel like I'm 14 years old and really struggling mentally. If I leave early and my dad gets ill again I will feel so guilty for missing time with him.

I used to run away from home. Now I have my own home to escape to.

I'm so angry she is doing this again after years of relative peace.

Mum just came and told me to have a safe trip and thanks for my help. Dad must have told her. "It's a good decision for you to go". Well that's me being told to leave then.

Absolutely none of this is your fault, OP. It's all on your parents for failing to communicate with you properly about their needs. If they won't give you permission to help, or intervene, or speak to their GP, then there is literally nothing you can do except leave and look after your own mental health.

Your mother could be getting pain relief and a community physio referral from her GP surgery. She could seek therapies. She chooses not to. That's on her, I'm afraid.

Have you ever read about 'learned helplessness'?

Thank you. Yeah I actually work in mental health and am familiar.

Ironically I wanted to use my AL to decompress from work and emotionally fill my battery back up.

I'm so frustrated that she's just going to let me leave rather than swallow her pride, apologise and let us be a family again.

I'm so frustrated that she's just going to let me leave rather than swallow her pride, apologise and let us be a family again.

You'll never get an answer to what her goal is, I don't think. From afar, it sounds like she may be dishing out unwarranted punishments specifically in order to distance you from either her, or your father, or from their marriage. You really don't need to be sticking around for that childhood re-enactment.

Were they ever really the family that you needed? I doubt it.

Sorry that sounded terse. Didn't mean it to be. I really feel for you.

Honestly as a child I used to wish she could die.

Then in my early twenties something shifted and she changed. I began to forgive her. There was a sustained positive change and she was a happy, kind, generous woman. She was always a bit emotionally OTT and easily knocked by any physical or emotional pain, and leaned on me a bit e.g. when her dad died but I've also leant on her.

I've had 2 hour phone calls with her. We went for afternoon tea. We went to the woods. I felt safe. I thought we had got past it.

I have a photo of us all as a family just a week ago and it breaks my heart to look at it now.

I can't relive those early years again. I know I sound dramatic.

Going home sounds like the best plan. Go home, and find something really lovely and calming to do with the rest of your time off.

Maybe just do shorter trips in future. Better to have one nice day, than stay for 3 days and feel awful.

Yes you're right. I will shorten future trips.

I will come up with something to do with the rest of my AL.

Consider telling your father that he doesn’t have to live like this and you will help him leave if he asks.

then go home and try to enjoy the rest of your break.

Well done for putting your needs first xx

There's nothing I could say that I didn't say aged 10, 15, 21.

Unfortunately.

There's not a chance he'd leave at 60. He wants a quiet life and will weather the storms for the calm in between. He mentally checks out and leaves the house til she calms down. I couldn't do that as a kid without being dragged back.