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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Treatment of DD

26 replies

SpicedPumpkinLatte · 26/12/2022 23:02

I think my feelings are valid, but checking here. Want to be clear from the outset that I absolutely would not say anything to the people involved and this is not about presents, just the principle.

I've been with DH for 10 years, married for 5. I have a 15yo DD from previous relationship.

MIL has a very good friend who is a lovely lady and DH and I often invite her whenever we invite MIL to our house for a meal, or go out to eat, for my DDs birthday parties. When she was poorly recently, I text her frequently to see if she needed anything, offered to drive her to appointments, etc. We treat her as family. We gave her a small Xmas gift and card earlier in the week.

This lady often babysits for SIL's two sons (3 and 7) as she doesn't use formal childcare. SIL does not invite her for her children's birthdays.

MIL mentioned in passing that friend had popped in and dropped off Xmas presents for SIL's kids. There was no gift for my DD.

Now, I know lots of MNers do not think stepchildren should be treated equally to bio children but AIBU to think that this was a bit thoughtless given that we have a nice relationship with this lady? She sees DD often and is always invited to our family events. I would never expect a gift for DD but it did sting that she got gifts for SIL's kids but not DD?

Again, this is not about the material gift, more the principle of my child being treated differently.

OP posts:
Blinki · 26/12/2022 23:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Aprilx · 26/12/2022 23:07

I think there is a difference buying for a 3 and 7 year old versus a 15 year old. I would assume it is an age thing not relation thing because this lady is not related to any of the three.

July70 · 26/12/2022 23:10

Yes, it's an age difference - don't make something out of nothing imo

SalmonEile · 26/12/2022 23:17

it could be because she baby sits them , or because she feels closer to SIL (has she known her since she was a child?)

when you invited her to your SDs birthdays did she bring a gift then?
has she never given your SD a gift in the ten years ?
how does SD feel about her as a person, Is she someone she cares about or feels affectionate towards?
do they spend a lot of time together

Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 26/12/2022 23:18

Your kid is too old. And she doesn’t have a caring role with your DD.

Original poster
SpicedPumpkinLatte · 26/12/2022 23:20

Thanks. Maybe it is the age thing, not sure.

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 26/12/2022 23:22

If she babysits them she may feel she has a different relationship with them and this is what drives the gift giving.

SalmonEile · 26/12/2022 23:22

Sorry I read wrong it’s your DD not your SD!

Original poster
SpicedPumpkinLatte · 26/12/2022 23:25

SalmonEile · 26/12/2022 23:17

it could be because she baby sits them , or because she feels closer to SIL (has she known her since she was a child?)

when you invited her to your SDs birthdays did she bring a gift then?
has she never given your SD a gift in the ten years ?
how does SD feel about her as a person, Is she someone she cares about or feels affectionate towards?
do they spend a lot of time together

She has known us all for the same amount of time.

My DD likes her, chats to her when we all meet up, etc.

I don't think she has given my DD a gift come to think of it. I wouldn't ordinarily care, as we don't invite her in order to get presents, but I was slightly hurt that she bought gifts for our nephews but not DD.

But, yeah, maybe she views my DD differently as I've never called on her for (free) childcare.

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 26/12/2022 23:32

Honestly op, you're overthinking this one. She gives the young kids she babysits for a little gift, totally different relationship with your teenage daughter .
I think you might be over sensitive here

RunLolaRun102 · 26/12/2022 23:32

I would gently stop your dd from viewing her as family because she clearly doesn’t view her the same if she has never gotten her a gift. There should be absolutely no need to involve her in your dd’s events. Just quietly stop inviting her

Original poster
SpicedPumpkinLatte · 26/12/2022 23:36

RunLolaRun102 · 26/12/2022 23:32

I would gently stop your dd from viewing her as family because she clearly doesn’t view her the same if she has never gotten her a gift. There should be absolutely no need to involve her in your dd’s events. Just quietly stop inviting her

Yes my thoughts exactly. You're all probably right that she views my DD differently as she is not called on for childcare. But, if that's the case, no need for us to go the extra mile for her if she does not consider my DD in the same way.

OP posts:
SalmonEile · 26/12/2022 23:39

I suppose if she’s been giving SILs kids presents for potentially 7 years and nothing for your DD in ten then maybe it’s time to evaluate the relationship
you gave her a gift and card did she give you one back ?
When you texted her offering help did she take you up on it?
how does your MIL treat your DD?

Crazycrazylady · 26/12/2022 23:43

Honestly if she is a nice lady and close long term friends with your mil , I wouldn't stop having a relationship with her because she didn't get my daughter a present . Sometimes it's just nice to be nice for no other reason than that .

SemperIdem · 26/12/2022 23:50

There’s a massive age difference between your SIL’s children and your daughter.

Your MIL almost certainly doesn’t feel the same about your daughter as she does her grandchildren. Much in the same way she doesn’t love you the same way she loves her daughter.

Original poster
SpicedPumpkinLatte · 26/12/2022 23:51

I wouldn't stop a relationship with her as we see her all the time at MIL's anyway, but I think I will scale it back a bit.

@SalmonEile she didn't give us a card or gift, but that's fine. MIL treats my DD just fine. Equally, DD is very sweet with her, makes her a cup of tea, carries her bags, etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpicedPumpkinLatte · 26/12/2022 23:55

SemperIdem · 26/12/2022 23:50

There’s a massive age difference between your SIL’s children and your daughter.

Your MIL almost certainly doesn’t feel the same about your daughter as she does her grandchildren. Much in the same way she doesn’t love you the same way she loves her daughter.

On the age point, a few people have mentioned this so I guess it's a plausible reason. I just see them all as children who still get excited about Christmas.

On your point about my MIL, I never said that I expected HER to feel the same way about my child. I do a lot more for her than her own daughter but I'm under no illusion whatsoever that she loves her daughter an immeasurable amount more than me! That's natural.

OP posts:
PenanceAdair · 26/12/2022 23:55

You've known her for a while; Has she ever given your DD a gift: birthday, Christmas? And is this the first time she's given your SIL's children gifts? In other words, how has she treated you all in the past or is this a one-off incident?

Aprilx · 27/12/2022 00:01

SemperIdem · 26/12/2022 23:50

There’s a massive age difference between your SIL’s children and your daughter.

Your MIL almost certainly doesn’t feel the same about your daughter as she does her grandchildren. Much in the same way she doesn’t love you the same way she loves her daughter.

Not sure this is relevant. The gift giving wasn’t MIL, it was a friend of MIL who has no biological relationship with any of the three children, but she babysits for the two little ones and not the teenager.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 27/12/2022 00:05

MIL mentioned in passing that friend had popped in and dropped off Xmas presents for SIL's kids. There was no gift for my DD.

So it’s not the MIL doing the gift giving it’s a friend of MIL’s? And you’re mad at MIL? What am I missing?

Original poster
SpicedPumpkinLatte · 27/12/2022 00:07

saltinesandcoffeecups · 27/12/2022 00:05

MIL mentioned in passing that friend had popped in and dropped off Xmas presents for SIL's kids. There was no gift for my DD.

So it’s not the MIL doing the gift giving it’s a friend of MIL’s? And you’re mad at MIL? What am I missing?

I'm not mad at MIL!! I'm a bit upset that her friend gave our nephews gifts but not my DD, despite the fact that she sees my DD often, is invited to her birthday parties, family meals, etc

OP posts:
Original poster
SpicedPumpkinLatte · 27/12/2022 00:09

I don't think she has given my DD a gift in the 10 years we have known her. But I know she has given the nephews gifts in previous years. I don't know why it's only bugging me this year! Maybe it is because we have seen more of her this year for various reasons.

OP posts:
PenanceAdair · 27/12/2022 00:13

That says something then.

By the way, I think the notion that family is always better that non-family no matter how they treat you is stupid. If you and your DD have treated her 'like family' more than others, I don't think it's unreasonable to feel disappointed that you're not treated the same way.

So to avoid getting hurt, I'd realise where she's placed you and scale back. Treat her accordingly but still kindly.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 27/12/2022 00:13

@SpicedPumpkinLatte Glad to hear you’re not mad at MIL, the way other posters were talking I was wondering why the poor woman was getting the boot!

I do think it’s probably unfair to be mad at this woman… I’m going to call her Gwen. It sounds like your daughter and Gwen have a more casual relationship then Gwen does with the two younger ones.

BungleandGeorge · 27/12/2022 00:14

I don’t think there’s any need for you to be inviting MIL friend to personal occasions such as family meals and birthday parties. It’s quite unusual to do that. At this stage I’d say it’s because your daughter is almost an adult and many people just want to buy for little kids. But if she’s turned up at her parties with out a gift and not given you a Christmas card (when she has to others) I’d scale back the hospitality as it doesn’t sound like it’s reciprocal

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