Father issues

[GibKev]

Hi.

Since I can remember my father has called me ugly, useless, unlovable and a complete failure compared to my older sister.

I have got 2 masters, a degree, been in international sports competitions, but never got told anything good.

At 45 and never married, he thinks there is something wrong with me. I am a guy and due to that he thinks I am gay.

But I have so low self esteem, major depression and anxiety. I used to self harm and be suicidal. However, getting treatment and feeling better in myself and now have dreams and goals.

Anyways, my dad is very ill at present with chronic heart failure and lung issues. I dont think he has much time left.

I dont feel any sadness or sympathy for him and only know itll destroy my mum.

Am I being selffish or unreasonable?

I wouldn't say so. It absolutely astounds me that people bother to have children just to be horrible to them throughout their lives. I lost both of my parents when I was young and have been floundering around through life ever since and then just when I start to feel like some sense of normality is back I see and hear stories and behaviour like this and it just makes me feel extremely bitter tbh (not towards anyone per se, just the situation as a whole, something I do need to try and work on).

However, if you have a good relationship with your mum, I think you should support her as she is undoubtedly going to be going through every emotion right now.

You reap what you sow. In this case I mean your father.

My parents were abusive to me, in different ways to yours, but nevertheless I had an extremely unhappy childhood. I always kept in touch with then and wouldn’t say I was without any feeling of sadness when they died, but I was never close as an adult and they didn’t see a lot of me (or indeed any of me and my siblings). I have always said, as I said here, they reaped what they sowed.

So no, I don’t think you are being unreasonable, I think it is to be expected. It seems like you have no issue with your mother though, so focus on her.

Hi @Keyansier

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I am there for my mum and know she is being shouted at by my dad and made to feel like crap. He used to hit her in the past and I told him if I found out he touched her after that I would destroy him. I am not a violent person, but you should never hit a woman.

Due to this I am a people pleaser and help others before myself and never feel good enough. Although again, working on that.

People say I am amazing and great with kids so I know I can do it.

But its the thought that I cant stand my own dad that drives me insane. I think its wrong to hate it, but know due to the past its so understandable.

And sorry to hear about you losing your parents when young. Sending a hug x

Yo are nit selfish at all. Could you have some counselling about how you feel about your F's illness?

Thanks @Aprilx

And sorry about what you went through. Its not nice and so glad you came out the other side. You sound amazing.

When anyone says anything nice about me I cry and tend to latch onto them for love and support, which I know is also a bad thing.

And yeh, its all about my mum from now on.

I think you should be there for your mum. He is most likely abusive to her too in his own way, but she will need you regardless.

Hi @PritiPatelsMaker my counsellor knows all about my dad and even heard him shout abuse down the phone at me, so think he would understand. Its just he is on holiday until 10th Jan so cant see him to speak until then.

Absolutely not, OP.

Your father sounds not unlike yours. He was physically violent -one slammed my head down a door and gave me concussion - this was likely because I was the girl as my brother never bore the brunt of his physical abuse. But the mental/emotional abuse probably did even more lasting damage. He used the same kind of language you relayed above, and it chipped away at our self-esteem throughout our entire childhood. To this day, you can call my brother anything you like, but the words 'waste of space' are like a red rag to a bull with him. He's a gentle guy, but that phrase makes him lose his shit.

I made the decision that my father would not be a part of my adult life. When I went NC with him I told him some painful truths about exactly why. He of course blamed me (I was a child). We were out of contact until he was on his death bed. I don't know why I visited him; I just felt that I should. He had no vocal cords by that time, so couldn't speak to me. But I don't think he would have had anything to say I cared to hear.

I often wondered, throughout my adulthood, how I'd feel if something were to happen to him. I wondered whether, having made the decision to cut him off, I'd always feel guilt.

Here's the surprise. I don't. I couldn't care less. I have never, not even at his funeral where I really felt I had no right to be, shed one single, solitary tear for the bastard. Do I feel guilty? Not a bit of it. That man was my abuser. I don't even owe him the luxury of grief. I'd already been paying that debt practically since my birth.

Your feelings are entirely valid. YANBU. I'm sorry about what you've been through and what is still to come, but know that none of this is your fault. It will be okay. 🌹

Hi @Neodymium yeh, I am all about my mum and always chat to her, make her laugh and help when I can. I just dont like going to her house.

I know he has abused her physically as well as mentally. Plus cheated god knows how many times.

I may be a failure in his eyes, but will never be half the loser and joke of a man he is. I only want to see people happy and successful

He sounds like my dad (so very similar experiences). I totally get everything you are writing.

I hope you're ok. You can be there for mum but I know it will be hard.

This is an extremely sad thread. I'm going to unwatch/unfollow it now. I hope you are okay OP and everyone else that has posted so far

Hi @MarieIVanArkleStinks

Wow, thank you for sharing that powerful story and so glad you got through it and became the amazing person you are now! Seriously your story has brought tears to my eyes.

My physical scars have gone, but the mental ones are here bugging me like they do you. I cant seem to believe I am good enough for anything or anyone. Plus built up so high barriers.

You are right, you didnt owe him anything and basically I dont. What I got was less than the basics of fatherhood.

X

Thanks @Worldpeaceandallthat

Hope you are ok and glad I am not the only one. But then again I kind of wish I do as nobody else gets hurt or abused.

I have a two people in my life, one is my mum and the other my best friend who I adore. She has family issues so we bond.

You should be proud of yourself OP for what you have achieved and your feeling are totally justified by the way your father has treated you. You can be there for your DM. Sorry for everything you have been through.
I have a similar relationship with my mother. I am the oldest of 3 siblings and have been treated very differently. She is cold towards me and can be mean with her words. My parents had me when they were very young and I think she struggled. Over the years I have learnt to rise about it but it did hurt. This will sound very cruel but she has terminal cancer and hasn't long and I don't feel anything. It is a sad thing to say bit she just brings sadness into my life. I hope you will be ok, OP.

Thanks @Hatemymiddlename

And sorry to hear what you went through. Its not nice. And glad you came through it.

And yeh my dad just brings misery and moans at everything. It brings me down to the fact I can't wait to leave.

If it wasn't for my mum there would be no contact.

She just messaged and said he was really sick so I said to call an ambulance as it would be for the best but he flipped at her.

No helpinng some people.

And like my best friend says sometimes you have to be selfish to go forward

He is now in hospital after a heart attack and going to a specialist clinic to check him out as he has a pacemaker etc.

I got called to come and get his things.

Sat looking at him and feel nothing. Just anger sadness and resentment.

Don't feel guilted into spending time with him in Hospital @GibKev. Make sure you spend your energy on yourself and your DM

My thoughts are with you today @GibKev. You must be full of conflicting emotions and that is very understandable.

You have nothing in the world to feel guilty for. I hope you will do whatever feels right for you as opposed to him.

Thank you, also, for your earlier kind words to me.

Sending you best wishes for today. You have a lot on your shoulders, it's ok to feel that way too💐

Hi @PritiPatelsMaker I went to give my mum a break as she had been there all night and had no sleep, so basically went and sat there in silence. I didnt try to make conversation and spent most of the time watching tv.

I sat there with a complete stranger and had no feelings of guilt or sympathy.

It has drained me mentally and physically though.

It has drained me mentally and physically though

I bet it has. Did your DM want you to sit with him? If not, it's ok to take your DM home for a shower and a meal and leave him alone

Hi @MarieIVanArkleStinks

I actually had no conflicting thoughts or feelings today. I had spoken to my best friend in the morning who said "feel no guilt for how he has made you feel". "he tried to destroy you and doesnt deserve your sympathy".

So we sat a lot in silence and I watched TV.

It was like a stranger and I was just thinking of my mum who was home sleeping after being with him all night.

Hi @Worldpeaceandallthat thanks

We all have things on our plate and shoulders and thus I wouldnt put myself to be any better or worse off than the next, its just I dont speak to many people or trust and know that mumsnet is amazing for help. Yeh, I am a guy, but really do prefer talking to ladies.

Now I can focus on my mum and more importantly myself and make myself happy and belive I can be the best me. I think I deserve some good things.

Hi @PritiPatelsMaker My mum went home about 8am as she hadnt slept all night and think she had enough of being shouted out. So I let her rest and relax whilst I picked up the slack. When my dad left hospital to go to the specialist I went to see her and we chatted, played a quick game of cards and had some food. So its all good.

My focus is now on her and then all about me and trying to become the man I deserve to be and make myself happy for once.

Thank you for your help, support and advice, it means the world.

Hi everyone my dad spent the night in a specialist clinic and came back earlier but I never thought about him or wasted my energy. I have taken a lot from the advice here and know its his loss. I may not be the "best" but I am a good man with a good job, a house, qualications, no criminal record and a few select friends.

I have spent time with my mum again today and was there when he called her and was shouting at her for not finding a phone number. I took the phone and he did the same to me but I calmly said "if you cant be nice just hang up", to which he did.

I have his hospital bag here and called him now to ask if he wanted it as I am out all morning tomorrow and wont be able to do it before 1pm. You would of thought i was asking him for a million pounds the way he reacted. I was just thinking I am helping you out, so chill out and respect me . In the end I said when I get time I will drop it off tomorrow and if he goes without its his issue.

My mum was shaken by his tone on the phone and makes excuses for his behaviour. She used to be happy and active and now just spends time alone or with my dog. She even remarked that its lucky the way she has been treated by him recently its good she hasnt gone insane.

As for him, his heart seems ok, he has a tick on it and now has pneumonia.

I really dont feel anything at present just sadness for my mum and a determination to make her happy.

Thank you again for worrying and thanks to everyone for their amazing help and advice xx