Father issues

[GibKev]

Hi.

Since I can remember my father has called me ugly, useless, unlovable and a complete failure compared to my older sister.

I have got 2 masters, a degree, been in international sports competitions, but never got told anything good.

At 45 and never married, he thinks there is something wrong with me. I am a guy and due to that he thinks I am gay.

But I have so low self esteem, major depression and anxiety. I used to self harm and be suicidal. However, getting treatment and feeling better in myself and now have dreams and goals.

Anyways, my dad is very ill at present with chronic heart failure and lung issues. I dont think he has much time left.

I dont feel any sadness or sympathy for him and only know itll destroy my mum.

Am I being selffish or unreasonable?

Nice to hear that your are setting some boundaries

@PritiPatelsMaker I feel empowered. Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am not a scared little boy anymore x

Just to update everyone.

I went to the hospital today to give my mum a break and did it off my own free will .

I went and he was shouting abuse at a nurse and refusing to walk and called her all sorts of names. He was telling her he was too weak to walk and she had to do everything for me.

I sat there smiling knowing that my feelings for him are now just sadness in the fact I let him destroy me and he is the one with issues.

I feel no guilt in not wanting to see him again, but know I will have to be there and do things for my mum.

Happy new year everyone!

Happy new year to OP and everyone on this thread. Nice one OP for standing your ground. It's nice to see the updates too. Gives me strength for my own dealings when I see others being strong.

Happy New Year to you too. Here's to a better and brighter New Year with some lovely boundaries

Op he is abusive and I don't blame you for feeling little sympathy or emotion about him dying. I have a mother who 3 different therapists over the years have suggested has narcissistic personality disorder, her abuse is ongoing and she's now in her 80's, it won't ever change or get better. She has always been a complex and toxic enigma to me, but I believed what she said about me and blamed myself for everything. I had anxiety and depression from a young child I can see now looking back. I'm sure I will feel the same when my dm reaches her final days and I'd recommend some therapy or counselling before the event if you can. Dm used to say she'd come back and haunt me!

Wow, you're very accomplished and achieved a lot. Your father is threatened by you no doubt about it. But understanding things rationally or cognitively doesn't make them hurt less. I suppose you grieved the father you deserved a long time ago so don't berate yourself for feeling nothing now.

Have you found Jerry Wise on Youtube, and Jay Reid and Patrick Teahan. They talk about saving yourself by unenmeshing and family dynamics and so on, more than just plain narcissism. I've found their videos so helpful.

When your dad goes, do what feels right for you. Don't be shamed in attending or shamed in to not attending. You have to live with your decision so stand firm in what feels right to you.

Hi @Worldpeaceandallthat

I feel so mentally strong and positive its unreal. I dont think I have any feelings left to be hurt and now its all about me and my future. A future I deserve and be happy in.

X

Hi @Violet80

Sorry to hear about your mum and its a powerful and moving story you have shared.

I hope that you are ok and have the best life now without the drama.

Have a great new year and the best 2023!

Hi @JoyPeaceSleep thank you. And yeh, when I step back I realise I have done a lot of good things in my life and achieved things that maybe wont change the world, but gave me a good start in life and jobs.

I will look at YouTube now and thanks for the suggestions.

When the time comes I will probably do the funeral to show I am the bigger man and support my mum. But I will secretly be happy that a massive negative influence has left me.

Happy New Year to you too op, I'm so sorry your Mum has also been treated so dreadfully by your father, I know you said it will destroy her when he dies, but it sounds like you have a good relationship and I'm sure you will give her strength and support. She might not admit it, but she'll probably feel a sense of relief when he has gone. It will also be like a huge weight lifting off your shoulders I imagine, how do you think your sister will find it? Is she the golden child that he's never abused?

I very much relate to everything you say, as only a child of a toxic abusive parent can. I'm 41 but still sometimes feel like a small child when my dm says or does something cruel or unpleasant to me, there is a part of me that still hasn't escaped her and is still triggered at times, despite years of therapy. Parents have the ultimate power over their child. I am doing very well these days compared to before I had therapy, there's still anger that bubbles up sometimes and yes she can still trigger me occasionally, but on the whole I'm in a much better place and my anxiety and depression has reduced. My daughter is the absolute light of my life, and I think one positive thing to come out of me having my mother as my mother, is that I am the complete opposite to her as a parent - and it has made me a good parent with a strong bond with my daughter. We have a lovely relationship I'm happy to say!

Just to say, you're only 45 op, you still have plenty of time to meet someone despite what your father says. Also, when he is gone, you will have hopefully half your life still to enjoy being free from him